as unsinkable as i can be // the wilds

chapter fourteen.

"You guys realize that she's the only one who came alone, right? I mean, other than Jeanette."

"I didn't even think of that."

"I mean, can anyone tell me her last name? Or where she's from?"

"She's from South Carolina, Rachel. She told us that."

"Okay, Nora, but do you know anything else about her? Other than the state that she's from?"

"Guys, we shouldn't be talking about her. She could be awake or something."

"Y'all, I agree with Martha. Raelynn doesn't have to tell us anything if she doesn't want to, okay? That's her own business."

"Shelby, shut up. There is something sketchy going on with her or something. Seriously, guys. Something is up with her."

"Rachel, just leave her alone-"

"Shut up, Nora! I'm trying to make sure that we aren't sleeping with someone who's gonna go psycho on us, okay?"

"Okay, girl, you've really taken this way too far. Just let it be."

"I'm not going to let it be, okay? But good to know, Shelby, not to save your butt when you wake up and she's choking you from some episode she's having-"

"She's from Greenville, South Carolina, she's sixteen, and her full name is Raelynn Savannah Jones. She's an only child and has grown up in Greenville her entire life. She loves her hometown, especially the downtown, because the trees have lights on them and at night they glow and light up the entire Main Street. She also wants to be an author when she graduates from college, which is going to be Columbia University because she's at the top of her class. She is specifically interested in fantasy and realistic fiction, and all of her work has always been centered around astrology and space.

She would also love to be an editor as well because she knows that writers can't make everything off of just their books, even though she read me a part of a piece she had memorized, and it was the best thing I've ever heard. I mean, despite the fact that I haven't read a book since like, third grade or whatever. But she's brilliant, and funny, and so brave, and so fricken beautiful. So Rachel, you better shut up and leave her alone before I literally go over there and beat your idiotic dumbass."

There was silence, and Leah strung her fingers through mine to calm the shaking. I tried to silently hold back the sob that had been building on the back of my tongue, but it escaped, echoing throughout the cave.

"Hey, Raelynn, don't listen to them-" Leah tried to comfort me, but I pushed her away, pulling myself up, wrapping my arms around myself in an attempt to keep the cold out and the heat in.

I need to get out, I need to get out-

"Rae-" Toni's voice stopped me dead in my tracks, worry dripping from her body, her words she had said about me echoing in my head over and over and over again.

"Rae, you're okay, don't listen to them-"

"No, no, they're right, I'm messed up-" My stomach churned, stopping me, and I ran out of the cave, vomiting everything I had eaten the last couple of days up into a bush beside me. Toni rubbed my back, and when I finished, she helped me sit down, which was something that had become a common situation. My body shook, everything inside of me rattling. The words... those words...

"What did I tell you? She's lost it."

Toni swerved around, and I tried to grab her arm and stop her, but she slipped free of me.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Toni shoved Rachel to the ground, pinning her shoulders onto the cave floor. I could hardly see what was going on, as the sun was barely peeking over the horizon, but when I tried to get up to pull Toni off of Rachel, my knees buckled underneath me.

"Toni, stop!" I heard Shelby yell.

"Maybe you're the psychopath," Rachel growled, and I heard a grunt as she flipped Toni over.

"Rachel stop!" Nora screamed, trying to push her off of Toni as she pulled at her hair.

"What is wrong with you?!" Toni screamed. "You don't know what's happened to her! You don't know what she went through before she got here! I love her and you're out here thinking that you can just say whatever the crap you want, but you can't! You don't know!"

"Oh yeah? Then what happened to her, Toni? What happened to her to make her so messed up that she can't even take two seconds of someone saying something to her that she just crumbles? What happened?"

Writers like to use the phrase "deafening silence." For a while, I hated it. I thought it was so stupid; how could silence hit you in a way that knocks the wind out of you?

But that silence... in that cave... it knocked everything out of me. Because I knew I was going to have to tell them.

"I-I"

"Toni, it's okay." I stood up shakily, and Rachel pushed Toni off of her and came up to where I was standing.

"Well then? Spit it out."

Deep breath in, deep breath out, deep breath in, deep breath-

"Rae, you don't have to," Toni called out to me, cutting in front of Rachel.

"Seriously, Raelynn, there's nothing you have to tell her," Leah called out from a few feet away, and I could see the concern, yet understanding in her eyes as the sun finally came up.

"No-" I cleared my throat. "No. I have to do this." I inhaled deeply, closed my eyes, and started talking.