as unsinkable as i can be // the wilds

chapter nineteen.

"Hey, you seem better," Leah commented, looking at me slightly as we gathered fronds from the forest. "Like, a lot better."
I sighed, smiling a little. "This happens," I told her. "The honeymoon phase. You have a big freak out, and then suddenly, everything's okay. And then, once again, everything comes crumbling down once again." I stood up straight, stretching my back and arm muscles. "I guess I'm just waiting for that crumbling moment once again."
Leah stood back up beside me, holding a large group of fronds in her arms. "I get that," she frowned. "I hate that I can say it, but I get that. Something... something isn't right here." She gazed out into the ocean, her voice lowering as if she wasn't talking to me, but to someone else. Or even herself. "It never was right."
I moved into her line of sight, dropping my pile and placing my arms on her shoulders, shaking her a little. "Don't do that, Leah," I whispered. "Don't cave into yourself, because the moment I crumble, I need someone there for me who knows how it feels."
Leah started walking back to where Rachel and Dot had begun shaping the ribcage of the shelter. "You've got Toni," she scoffed. "You don't need me, and I'm not..." She turned back to me. "I'm not crazy."
I rearranged my fronds in my arms, shaking my head. "Leah, I never thought you were. I don't think everything is completely real in this place, either-"
"So you believe me," Leah said quickly. "You believe that this is all a setup, and we're being u-used or something."
I bit my lip. "Leah, what I think is that there is a lot going on for all of us. Everyone reacts to situations differently, but... I don't think we should let ourselves get caught up in the why. We need to stay in the now so we can stay alive for as long as it takes for us to be out here."
She just nodded, but her eyes were somewhere else. She spaced out, turning back from me and bringing her section of fronds back to where the rest of our team were assembling.
"This is looking really great, guys," I said to Dot and Rachel, dropping our section of fronds back beside their feet.
    "Is she really not gonna do anything?" Leah mumbled, and I turned to see who she was talking about. Fatin was spread out on top of her suitcase, wearing a bikini and sunglasses. Beside her was a headless, legless, and single-armed mannequin that had a painted-on penis and a bandanna around the nape of his throat.
    "Leah, leave it be. It doesn't matter. It's not like she'd be of any use, anyway," Rachel commented, continuing to pile large logs up against each other. But Leah didn't let it go, not in that moment. She marched right up to where Fatin was, and if it weren't for Toni's voice that overcame Leah's, I would've seen the argument, and then the shoving, and then the blood.
    "I said I freaking had it!" The ax, hacking up against the branches. Her hands, throwing woven pieces of twine and vines. Her face, red from effort and anger. Martha's voice, streaming at her to stop, tears streaming down her face.
    I ran towards her, ignoring Dot and Rachel's shouts telling me not to, having to duck as Toni swung until I had an open moment to try and grab it. The first few times, I missed, but when I finally grabbed a piece of it, Toni jerked back and the ax went flying.
    Straight into my forehead.
    Thank God it only grazed my skin, because it definitely could've been so much worse. I fell to my knees, the pain not registering but the fear of how bad it was sinking into the core of my stomach. Toni slumped down, and when she turned and saw the blood spilling into my eyes and up my nose, she stuttered and backed away from me quickly.
    "No. Rae, I'm- I'm so sorry-"
    I tried to stand up, but the loss of blood was making me woozy. "Toni, it's okay, it's not that bad I promise-"
    "I did it again." She turned, and when she made eye contact with Martha, the Native American just shook her head and wiped at her tears. Toni's eyes welled up, and when Martha began running away, Toni started going after her but turned back to me instead. I nodded, giving her permission to leave me, and she bolted after her best friend.
    The smile I had forced myself to put on for Toni fell immediately, and when Dot, Rachel, and Fatin ran to where I was bleeding into the sand, I collapsed up against Nora.
    "What the hell happened?!" Dot hissed, and when she saw the demolished shelter and ax on the floor, her jaw hardened. "Toni."
    I tried to shake my head, but my vision was going blurry. "Not... her fault... at all... shouldn't... have... snuck up... on her..."
    "Don't try to talk," Shelby soothed, coming into my line of sight. Apparently, she had run off for the medicine bag. Fatin grabbed a jacket from her suitcase and handed it to Shelby, who ran out to the water, soaked it, and then ran back.
    "Saltwater?" I mumbled, hissing between my teeth when she pressed it against my forehead.
    "As bonkers as it sounds, saltwater actually cleans and heals wounds quickly. It's really good for cuts, even though it hurts like crazy."
    I turned to Dot, who nodded. "She's right, actually."
    Once the wound was cleaned up, Shelby let Dot take the reigns, especially when it came to the meds. At the time, I had no idea why Dot was so informed about different types of medicines, especially since not many of them had labels on what they were used for, but in the moment, I didn't even care. I just wanted someone to stop the bleeding.
    "God, that's deep," Dot whispered to herself, trailing her fingers lightly over the cut. "If this was any normal day, you'd need stitches." My eyebrows shot up, and I started to scoot away from her. She laughed a little. "Don't worry, Raelynn. I will not be doing makeshift stitches out of vines and grass." I sighed, smiling.
    "So, what do we do? You can't just let her bleed out." I hadn't even noticed that Leah had come back from wherever she had been, but her hair was soaked and there was a little of what looked like blood on her cheeks.
    "I'm not going to let her bleed out, Leah," Dot snapped. "I'm going to give her some of these-" she handed me a few pills. "-which should stop the bleeding and help with the pain. Makes sure she takes them with food," she said to Shelby, who nodded and ran over to grab a bag of macadamia nuts and a La Croix.
    I took the pills, and the rest of the girls started to clean up and disperse. Our shelter was obviously the one that won, so we all started to pile into it as the sun started to go down.
    Martha returned, but Toni didn't. I pulled her aside, away from the others, but close enough to the fire so we wouldn't freeze.
    "I-is Toni okay?" I asked softly, and Martha immediately nodded.
    "Yes, she is, but she needs this night to cool off." Her eyes flicked up to my forehead, and she winced. "Are you okay?"
    "Oh, yeah, I'm fine. It was my fault, anyway. I shouldn't of-"
    "Raelynn. I know you love Toni, but you need to remember that it isn't always okay for someone to get out of control like that."
    My eyes floated down to the fire. "I know. But I want her to be okay, no matter what she does." I remembered something. "Why did she kept saying 'I did it again, I did it again?'"
    At this, Martha's face went from neutral to grim. "I-I think that's something you need to ask Toni on a better day than today. That's a hard topic for her."
    I nodded, and our conversation just sort of... evaporated. We both crawled into the shelter, and I noticed that Fatin's mannequin was making an appearance as well.
    "Well, who is this?" I asked, pointing at him.
    "This is Marcus," Fatin said. "He's Martha's boyfriend." Martha smiled arrogantly, teasing.
    "Toni found him earlier. Apparently, he washed up, so we've decided to make him our tenth man."
    I smiled as Dot passed me the bag of Takis, and I took a few before passing the bag to Leah.
    "Hey, can I have some?" Rachel asked Leah. Leah nodded, holding out the bag for her to grab some. "Don't worry, I won't move too quickly. You must be pretty jumpy, sitting next to a psychopath."
    I could tell all of us were confused, and when Leah's eyes flicked to Fatin, who seemed busy finished off a Diet Coke, the tension in the shelter hit maximum capacity. Someone was about to say something when Fatin talked instead, as if what Rachel had just said never happened.
    "Hey, does anyone have some drinks they could spare me? I just tapped out."
    "You were supposed to manage your own rations," Dot said quietly.
    "Oh, I'm surprised you're out, considering you sat on your ass all day and did nothing." Leah rolled her eyes, and Fatin's face hardened, she blew up.
    "Okay, I don't know what your problem is-'
    "What is my problem?"
    "-since all you do is bust my ass about things that don't even matter." She scoffed. "All I want is for someone to lend me a drink. That's all."
    "You know, I think we should take a vote. Do you want to give up your drinks which you've carefully rationed and kept over the days, to someone who sat around and hasn't really been exerting themselves at all since we've gotten here?"
    No one moved. I felt terrible, but Leah was right. The drinks that we had were all that were keeping us alive, and none of us were willing to give that up. We had worked hard, and Fatin hadn't. Leah was right on this one.
    "Ugh, this is bullcrap," Fatin mumbled, getting up and stepping on all of us to get out of the shelter. She said something else, but none of us heard it.
    Just like we didn't hear her pull two Diet Cokes out of someone's stash, and then walk out and into the woods.