as unsinkable as i can be // the wilds

chapter seventeen.

"Rae..."

Again, more vomiting, but this time, hardly anything came out. Toni handed me a Diet Coke, but I pushed it away, turning to the group. At that point, the sun was bright enough to where I could see everyone's faces. A few of the girls who had been asleep during the initial conversation between Rachel, Nora, Shelby, and Martha were now awake. Everyone had heard about Camille.

"This cave was pretty crappy, Dot," I finished, changing my mind and taking the Diet Coke. "Can we please just go back on the beach and find somewhere else to sleep?"

All she did was nod, and then swished her mouth out with a La Croix before spitting out into the dirt. Apparently, a bat had decided that her open mouth resembled a toilet bowl.

"Okay then, let's go."

The girls packed up and started walking, but I hung back. I needed a few seconds, or maybe a few years, just until I could regain my balance.

Nora, surprisingly, hung back too. I tried to tell her and Toni to move on, but Nora whispered something in her ear to make her continue walking. I slumped down, pressing my back against a rock, and rubbed my eyes hard. Nora came and sat beside me, and without even talking, she wiped a few tears from my cheeks and chin and French braided my hair out of the way.

"Thanks," I mumbled, but she didn't reply the way I was expecting her to.

"When cancer patients take their very first round of chemotherapy and radiation, there's this... 'honeymoon period' type thing where for a few hours after the dosage, the patient feels amazing. They think that they can do anything they want, and they're this strong, capable human being who could go run a marathon if they wanted to.

But about three to five hours post-treatment, they lose that feeling. Suddenly, they're vomiting left and right, their skin turns this ashy-pale color, and they aren't even strong enough to pee on their own or keep their head from rolling side to side. They start to cave into themselves, and while it's mostly physically, it's also mentally.

Going from feeling incredible to feeling like you are truly dying is this terrible feeling, one that most of the patients don't recover from for a while. It hurts, to have something so incredibly powerful sitting on your chest and coursing through your veins."

I looked sideways at her, but she kept her face forward. "Why are you telling me this?"

Finally, she met my eyes. "You can't cave in on yourself, Raelynn. Right now, you're transitioning from the honeymoon period to the chemo period. You're... you're trying to stay strong, I can see it, but Raelynn..." She took my hand in hers. "You can't let yourself die out because of this. You have to fight. You can't let Camille take you down from being in love to wanting to kill yourself. To trying to kill yourself. You have to stay here, and if you don't do it for yourself, do it for Toni. Do it for Leah, and for me, and for the rest of the girls on this island.

We already lost Jeanette, but... at least we hardly knew her. You... we know you. We love you, no matter how terrible we are at showing it. We need you here, more than ever."

I sniffled a little, smiling at her and leaning my head on her shoulder.

"Thanks, Nora. I really needed that." 

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Okay, I know the chapter is really crazy short, but bear with me. 

Also, 5K!!!!

Also, I got a 95 on my geometry honors test. Can we please just take a moment and admire that, cause I may have had straight A's all my life, but man I suck at math, and this was so amazing!

Also, I cut off six inches of my hair, so we really feeling that impostor syndrome creeping up. 

Okay, well, that's all for tonight. I had school for three days in a row for the first time since last March, so imma go sleep for twelve hours. 

Love you guys!

xoxo, 

Em :)