as unsinkable as i can be // the wilds

chapter twenty-six.

When I woke again, loud voices were ringing in my head. I thought, at first, that they were imaginary, but when Shelby's voice cut above the others, I knew that it was real.

"This! This is what I've been hidin'! I've been washin' this thing every morning and every night in private so I wouldn't have to deal with something like this!" Tears were streaming down her face, and when I sat myself up, I could see what she had extended out in her hand.

It was fake teeth, and when I saw her mouth move, I could see two black gaps.

I look back on this and realize that in the grand scheme of things, missing teeth was nothing to be ashamed of. She had the ability to cover it up, and yeah it probably sucked, but at that moment, all I could think of was how selfish she was being. Toni and Martha were close to dead, and she thought that having fake teeth was a big deal?

Then I noticed Leah, a crazed look spreading through her eyes. She bit her lip in a creepy way, her hands wringing together in sudden movements. What had she been up to? She was physically separated from the group, and an uneasy feeling settled on me. I watched her, no one noticed that I was conscious again, and surveyed the situation.

There was a med bag that Dot was sifting through, propped up in the shade against the rock. I couldn't see any blood on the bandages that had been redressed, so that made me feel better, and there didn't seem to be any fresh piles of vomit around, at least not around her.

I got to my feet slowly and tested my balance. While I felt hot and sticky, my empty stomach was relieving; there was nothing else I could lose, nothing else that could come up and betray me.

Rachel and Nora were huddled around Toni. I could hear them talking as I approached.

"Give Toni the Halophen, she needs it more than me." Tears rushed down Martha's ashen face, but she was so dead set on Toni receiving the one pill that Dot gave it to her. She choked it back up, vomiting more bile on the floor.

My body began to shudder; seeing her that way, watching chills roll hard through her body... it was like I was watching her deteriorate in front of me. I couldn't handle it.

"I-I thought there were two of those pills," I asked Dot, still standing a few feet away from the group. Dot sighed and checked around her, making sure others were out of earshot.

"Leah... apparently, she dropped the bag out there or some shit. There's only one, and if Toni can't get it down soon, I'm giving it to you, Martha." Martha began shaking her head and protesting, but she was immediately cut off.

Shelby shot over to us. She snatched the pill from Dot's outstretched hand and laid on top of Toni. My heart skipped a beat at her being so close, images of her kissing Toni flashing through my head. But when I saw her slip the pill into Toni's mouth and force it down her throat, anger building in the back of her throat, I couldn't help but gain a little bit of respect back for her.

She turned and stalked off from where the group was, and I watched as Leah went in the opposite direction. Toni drifted back off to an uneasy sleep, and I was going to go lay beside her, but Martha was already curled up under her arm. I wasn't going to pull them apart, not like Shelby had done the first few days. I had watched how that affected Toni.

Instead, I helped Dot over to the fire as the sun began to set. Fatin, Rachel, Nora, and the rest of us fell into a heavy silence, and no one was brave enough to say anything. In those moments, there wasn't anything to be said.

I didn't sleep that night. Instead, I watched Toni through the licking flames, a safe distance away from her. I couldn't trust myself around her; my fear had been translated into attraction, and despite her sickly state, my brain just wanted to lay beside her and stare at the stars.

I just kept reminding myself that now, we couldn't do that.

At that moment, a new reality settled on me.