Selenva (Under Edit)

Chapter thirty

Chapter thirty  

3 weeks later....

How come everything I do comes with a price? One moment I'm graduated finally, spending time with my two best friends, and the next going to a party. What I was not planning  to find out was that a single man could rip my world apart. Aiden has yet to be seen or heard from, and the police are still looking for him. The move to Spruce only took a few days, once the police let up on allowing me out any where I was able to help with it. Dad and Derek handled most of it while mom and I had some heart to heart time.

I told her all about how I feel about what happened to Dallas and Sarah. She thought I needed some therapy to help me feel better. I flat refused. No am I going to be made to look like a mental case, all because I blame myself for their deaths. Derek tried to convince me a little, but he apparently had some bad history with therapy in his child hood. He said he did not recommend it for what I have got going on, and to just see my regular doctor. So..I did and he put me on a anti depressant medication. 

I wouldn't say any of it has helped to much though. I still have night mares about how they both looked dead. I wish all the memories I had of them were only good ones, but there not. I still hear them, call them, and wish what happened was all just a dream. Someday I hope to wake up and see their faces again. I have photos of the three musketeers, but now it is not the same. I am the only one left. Derek has been a lot of help. To be honest, I don't think I would be here if it wasn't for him.

He lets me stay with him every weekend, I have been in his apartment so much that it has almost half my things there. Derek says if I want to move in with him i'm more than welcome to, but I prefer to be here with my parents. They are the oldest and closest thing I have left. At least that's how it feels. The medication keeps me from feeling to much, no more anxiety,and no more worry. Derek says it makes me seem like a zombie. I still feel pain, sadness, and hate. 

The house here in Spruce is nice, I still miss my old house. I make Derek drive me past it sometimes just to see it again. It has not changed since we left it. I look at it and remind myself how many great memories of my life have been spent there. All the memories of sleep overs with Dallas and Sarah, all the long nights we would stay up working on homework, and watching Star Wars films. It is not enough to just have all the memories, I want them back with every fiber of my being. I want them back. 

Today is Sarah and Dallas's joint funeral. Emily and Joe spent a lot of time getting it together with Sarah's parents. They said it would be the best thing for them to be buried with each other. I agree, but seeing them both in a casket is not something I wish to endure. That's what funerals are about, saying goodbye to the shell while the soul watches down over you. I really hope when they watch me today that they will both know they are and will always be a part of me.

"Selenva!" Derek yelled snapping my attention into the kitchen. I had been so lost in thought that I had forgotten we were supposed to be leaving. "What? Are we ready?" I asked.. My mom shook her head saying, "Those pills they gave you impare your hearing as well I see." How rude...but that is not entirely wrong. I zone out more and more as the days progress. I stood up ready to go and get this over with. I have never been to any funerals before and I never thought my first would be theirs.

Derek came to stand beside me, placing his arm around my waist. We are all dressed in dark colors, some blues, and some black. Everyone has been on nerve today, everyone but me. I feel pain but not enough to make me cry, the pills make me so......numb almost as if I was a zombie. I could feel Derek ushering me towards the front door. I'm not ready for this. I don't have a choice in this matter. I would never, could never, and wont not show my face. I have to be there for them today, even if it's my fault they are there.