Selenva (Under Edit)

Chapter thirty-two

Chapter thirty-two

2 weeks later, Monday at four p.m.

"Hey babe, you ready to go on our date tonight?" Derek asked over the phone. He's been trying to get me away from home every chance he gets. He asked me to move in with him, and I keep having to explain to him that I still want to stay with my parents. Mom and dad aren't looking to be away from me any more than I am them. Derek says it would be the best thing for our relationship right now and for all the bullshit that's happened. He wants it to be a new beginning for us, but I'm just not ready for all of that.

"I will be. I have to get ready and all that, so just text me when you're on your way." I said pulling the phone away from my ear to check the time. Great it's already four! I will have to rush, he is getting here at seven! "Okay, I love you Selenva." He agreed. I started telling him that I loved him after all the things with Dallas. I really do love him, it's just he is a lot more ready for us than I am at the moment. "I love you too, bye." I said clicking off.

After everything with the police and all the deaths, I just want to be home and feel safe. I hate knowing that everyone that I once cared for has died all in a matter of what? Two months... Yeah way too much to handle. I asked my doctor to please keep my anti depressants coming. The pills are helping me cope with all of this. Aiden is dead now and so are my two best friends. I miss Dallas so much when I think of all the things that I wanted to ask him. I miss Sarah so much when I have to decide what I'm going to wear, like right now.

I have come to think about Adien a lot lately, I think it's only because of the hold he had on me. I think about how sorry I am for his terrible upbringing. I have been wondering if it's because of all that, that he became this way. I don't think you can make a person a murderer, I think he was born this way. Or that he let his hate and jealousy get the best of him. I think of Margo and how bad I feel that three people have been victims to Adien's unhappiness. Derek tries to act like it never happened, that the blood was never on his hands. He refuses to admit that he killed him some kind of old rage, but I know otherwise.

If he was just getting him for all the stuff he had done to me, a normal steady guy would have beaten him to a pulp and let the cops have him. But the sounds of that night are haunting my dreams, and I see now that Derek killed Aiden out of rage. I haven't mentioned my feelings to him, I'm afraid of what he might think of me. I don't want to believe that he did it knowing that he was going to kill him, but when the report shows Aiden died from a snapped neck...I don't know what to think. To much death has been surrounding me and I'm done with it.

Done with hurting, done with hating, and done with the lies. Adien was something to me and I have come to be able to admit that to myself. Cause even with as much hate as I hold for him, he still was someone I grew to love. I don't feel good about myself for knowing that's how I feel, but that is the truth. I'm done lying to myself. I do love Derek more so now than ever, but feeling this way towards him isn't helping it grow.

I want to be able to laugh, smile again, and hold on to him. It's just not here for me yet, and I don't think it will be for a couple of years, or maybe even decades. I will always hold on to Dallas and Sarah in my heart and my every day life. I know they would want me to be happy and not be hurting this much. I can almost hear them now telling me "shit happens," and to "hold my head up." Sarah yelling "be strong!"...but it's not the same as if they were actually here.

I closed my bedroom door and decided it was best to watch a movie while I wait to get picked up. "Selenva, honey did you take your meds?" Mom asked from the kitchen. I looked over and nodded a silent yes. When really I haven't today. I want to be able to feel every emotion as well as show it on this date. I want Derek and I to be okay, and if that means skipping a day, then I will. I turned the television on and clicked through the stations until I found a TV show called The Stalker In The Snow. I watched as this man yelled for his son to follow him. They're on a huge mountain with a lot of snow and ice crystals.