His Nepenthe | complete

36. Too

T O O M U C H

*

Brandy smiled as she noticed me leaning by the door, but continued to dance along to the song I had, surprising, heard before.

'and i'm a shadow of a ghost.

it's feeling as if somebody has taken host.

babe, i don't wanna make a scene,

but i get self-destructive.'

I watched her lips moving with the words of the heavy bass song, meaning she knew it quite well. Her body knew each key, each symphony.

′and it's driving you away,

it's driving you away.

piece by piece,

day by day.′

Brandy threw herself up into the air in an elaborate spin, in time with the drums that kicked into the song.

'baby, tell me if i'm being strange,

and if i need to rearrange

my particles.

i will for you.′

It was entrancing to watch the way she moved, with so much passion and hidden emotion in just the movement of her body.

When she missed a step, she almost found herself falling to the floor, but managed to catch herself just in time. She stood swaying for a moment as I stepped into action.

"Shit, are you alright?" I asked, rushing to her side as she rested her palm against her head. She took a miscalculated step forward, ending up tripping on her own feet and falling into my chest. caught her immediately, making sure to hold her up gently, "Woah there..." I whispered, brushing her hair back behind her ear.

Brandy used me to help herself properly to her feet, holding tightly onto my biceps as her cheeks tinted a soft pink, "Sorry, just a little dizzy."

I walked her back to the bench at the back of the room with my palm resting against the small of her back to keep her steady. I sat her down gently, "Have you eaten yet today?"

"I don't remember, I woke up early this morning so unbelievably restless and headed straight here."

"The store is like five minutes away, I'll get you something and be right back."

She rolled her eyes, not without a small smile reaching her pink lips, "Christian, I'll be okay."

I grinned mischievously at her as she always did to me, heading out before she had any more chance to protest.

The walk to the store and back took only around ten minutes, and I decided I would buy a couple of sandwiches so she could choose which she would prefer to have.

As I walked in, she grinned, the butt of a lit joint in her fingertips, "Hey."

"Hey."

She took one last puff before the butt was useless, putting it out on the old floor, accepting the sandwich I gave to her with no protest.

As we ate, Brandy's eyes wondered the room.

"What're you thinking about?"

She gave me a soft smile, one that seemed sad but hopeful, "These rooms are all so similar, you know? It's almost as if it's the same room I danced in the first time I began ballet."

"Bet from day one you could entrance everyone."

"I love that you have faith in me but that couldn't be further from the truth," she made a move to stop her story, but I motioned her to tell me more.

The Enigma's stories were always ones I wanted to know.

The brunette let out a small sigh before continuing with her words, "When I was little, all the girls in my ballet class were so much better than me. So much so, that I used to hide in the props closet. I would lie down on the floor and close my eyes, counting down from ten. Then, when I got down to one, I would take one last breath and pretend that I would disappear. Then I'd get in trouble because I was supposed to be dancing but I didn't really mind."

"I don't know much about ballet but they can't have been," I mumbled, a nudge to her shoulder as she tucked her hair behind her ear again and finished her mouthful of food.

"Who can't have been what?"

"Those other girls. They couldn't have been that much better than you."

She held back a grin as her cheeks flushed, "They were for a while, though. I had started doing ballet properly a year later than they all had, so I didn't know as much. But when I started really dancing, I started really getting quite good. It was how I spent most of my time, if not with my friends. I met so many people, I learned so many things. I loved it," Brandy squeezed the bread of her sandwich between her fingertips lightly as she sighed, "Until I was older. Then it was hell."

I wasn't sure if this was where I should have stopped her. But it felt like I had been waiting my whole life to hear about her story, "What... Happened?"

"Pressure got to me. God, one of the worst things I ever did was Swan Lake. I was Odette, so I had to play the black and white swan. I shouldn't have gotten the role but I was both precise and I had fun - what you needed for both," she finished the final bite of her sandwich, brushing the crumbs off her fingers before leaning back on her arms, "I... Um... Well, I had - to put it plainly - bigger boobs than a lot of the girls who were in my class. It didn't bother me until I watched the way the last girl who had danced Odette moved. She was so skinny, and there was nothing in the way of how her body moved." Brandy nodded to herself as she remembered the events that transpired from her inspiration, "So... Well, I starved myself. I smoked as if it were some kind of food, and I binded my chest. It was only when I broke my ankle after two weeks of nothing but dance I saw how dangerous it was for me to be a dancer. I always skipped school for it, and threw up anything I had eaten. It wasn't... I didn't like it anymore. I watched someone who did love the ballet dance for me, and I realised i never really had that same feeling that they did when they were dancing the choreography," She shrugged nonchalantly, "And I quit. Most would be angry, since I had been given everything just to give it up, but many of my peers knew I had an addictive personality and I was stuck on perfection. I was stuck on the thing that lost most girls the role. I'm still close with those at the ballet, and I do visit, I just don't dance anything I've practiced. When I danced in the roses, I was dancing the Variation of Odette. The White Swan," she shrugged a shoulder, eyes glistening as she finally met my gaze, "But it's okay. Now, at least"

"How the fuck do you manage to be so caring with that on your shoulders?"

"Well, I don't want that on anyone else's shoulders. People look at the way you eat differently when you used to do nothing but smoke to fill your stomach."

"So you smoke joints now - "

She finished my question with an answer "- because I was fucking addicted to cigarettes. I switched to cannabis with tobacco, then just straight cannabis just to try fucking heal." Brandy still managed to offer me a grin, a soft laugh leaving her lips, "Now, I love butter. Every day I have butter smothered on something I eat, and I can't help but want to cry that I used to not eat."

"Everyone has a vice, right?"

"Shame mine had to be the only thing I was passionate about."

"You don't need a passion to be a whole person, you know."

A soft smile reached her pink cheeks, as she tilted her head slightly, "I know that now."

*

particles - nothing but thieves