His Nepenthe | complete

30. Keep

K E E P H O L D I N G O N

*

Brandy was a determined person. When she told me that she wanted us to paint for an entire afternoon, I scoffed. She persisted throughout the whole week.

I finally agreed when she said she would stalk me home for the next week if I didn't spend the afternoon with her. I hadn't been sleeping at the time, and wasn't particularly in the mood for a stalker, so I didn't have the energy to fight.

She linked her arms with mine as she dragged me to her room.

Her parents and sister were out for the night, all with separate engagements to attend to. I had only met the infamous Maya once in a short greeting of a wave. Even then, I could tell she was just as psychotic as her older sister.

Brandy offered her bed for me to take a seat on as she took out her art supplies, laying them out on the floor haphazardly.

"I'm just going to put on some music first, I can't bare painting in silence," plugging her phone in, she grinned as the music played softly.

'it's been a few years since you've been gone.

there's been a few tears, but that was years and years ago.′

"Did you want anything to eat or drink?"

'yeah, i grew up to be exactly what you wanted.

yeah, i've been living out the dream that you dreamt up.'

I rubbed a hand down my tired face as I gave her a lazy grin, "Water would be nice."

She threw me a wink over her shoulder as she playfully bit her lip, "You got it."

Her room felt so warm, in colour and in nature. Her music was so quiet, so gentle, but it made it's attempt to punch me in the gut at the meaning behind each lyric.

'and i can bend your words,

so they say exactly what hurts the most.

but silence is better than fake laughs or faking,

we're always up.'

Brandy's voice was audible just outside her door. The tone she used was pleasant, and I was glad she wasn't currently being given any more issues than she was already handed just this year. She was probably just talking to Saoirse or Pierre. Someone who made her happy.

A ghost of a smile reached my lips as I rested back on her pillows with my arm behind my head, no intention of slipping into a dangerous sleep. It was tempting, however, the soft sound of her presence on the other side of the door. My eyes were shutting before I even realised they were.

'out of love.

we talk through lines.

we're made of smoke

and just in time.'

My mind procured the image of my car, along the highway at night with the headlights slowly dimming. It hummed along in the city lights with no one else in my vision. I was behind the wheel.

'we drift away.

diffusing light, confusing times.

growing up, or cascading down?'

A boy's bright eyes were flashed by the headlights before the image of his blood flying over my windscreen woke my tired eyes in an instant. My head was aching and I was alone.

Brandy was still talking outside. But she was happy, and that was all that mattered.

'if you hate what's in your head,

the fuck, would you speak your mind?'

The weakness of my eyelids caused them to droop again, falling into the images played in my reckless head.

The lights beamed on white lines as he stayed strapped into the seat beside me. My hands were taped to the wheel, foot stuck on the accelerator.

He was calm, however, breathing normally as we flew along the empty highway. Crystal eyes were watching the glass, bracing himself for his body to be shattered.

We were both waiting in silence for him to die again. He would always die in my hands, it would always be my fault that he died.

The lights flickered. There was someone else on the road ahead, but I was unable to help either of us. He cast me a soft smile, one that made my eyes water and my heart ache. I'm sure he was wondering why my dreams kept on killing him this way. Why his breath always had to stop for me to wake up.

What had he done to deserve this?

The lights.

The horn.

His eyes.

The glass.

His blood was imbedded in my skin while I held what was left of his hand.

'i think you fucked me up.'

"Christian! Hey, are you alright?"

Hazel eyes met the water of mine with concern laced in her irises, an imbedded frown on her soft lips.

I shook my head dismissively, sitting myself up at her headboard. I wiped my eyes free from the tears which welled within them, "Yeah, just haven't been sleeping well."

Brandy raised an eyebrow, pushing my hair back from my face as she rested the back of her palm against my forehead to check my temperature, "Are you sure? I couldn't tell."

She was someone who really knew how to care, that was for sure.

I mockingly laughed back to her, making a small smile light her lips.

She had no idea what was in my head, but somehow that made it feel less real. Less terrible. He was gone, but that wasn't how he was let go by the real world.

Her fingers were laced between mine as she held my hand closer.

"Why do you always hold my hand?"

Her cheeks flushed, her fingers slipping out of mine and gripping the hem of her shirt for comfort in her embarrassment. The blush on her cheeks was so pure, so innocent.

"I like to know you're still there," revealing her intentions did little in helping me figure out the riddle of the enigma who sat across from me in her bed with a lopsided grin.

"Where else would I be?" The question may have been redundant, as I understood her meaning. I was a burden to her she didn't want to admit to. She was terrified of my death but she wouldn't say it like that. She was the strong girl, she always had to be.

"I don't want to think about that," her smile was insincere as her eyes faltered. She was thinking abut it, again. My death. She must have thought about it at least a hundred times since we had met, if that's what her expression told me.

The music that played around our silence didn't reach me the same way my focus on her lips did. Her eyes were cast to her fingernails, picking at one another as she always did in an anxious state.

"Brandy?"

The golden eyes of a girl filled with so much love peeked through her lashes.

"Yes?"

My lips curved in a way I couldn't anticipate as I spoke, "I don't mind."

A soft smile reached her lips, the pink of her cheeks emphasising her dark pigment. With ease, she slipped her fingers back between mine, tightening her grin on me as if a sign she was going to stay for as long as she could, "I'll be sure to remember that."

*

crash - eden