His Nepenthe | complete

37. I

I C A N ' T S L E E P

*

It was times like these I didn't know whether or not I was meant to have been alive. I was such a burden to those around me, always acting as if I had it so hard.

My mind was always fucked, whether I'd had a drink or not.

I was a catalyst burning through everyone's minds to ruin them before I would destroy myself. I was so alone, in a house that reminded me of death and screaming at people you were supposed to love.

I was tired. Beyond it. But I had no intention of sleeping if there was a chance I would see his dead eyes staring into mine again.

I was devoid of many things, but i held onto my ability to touch. My hand reached out to my phone in hopes I might be able to save myself with some words.

The bright light made my eyes ache as they tried to adjust.

I had a lot of saved numbers in my phone. I wasn't sure how I got most of them, I just knew that after late nights where I was in places I shouldn't have been, I found many names in my phone that weren't there before.

I had some texts, asking for my attention, which I had never opened. It wasn't so much a concern to me, if I never answered them either.

All I needed was to text a golden girl who listened to me more than anyone ever had.

I'm sorry, I know it's late. I hope I don't wake you.

I just needed to text you.

I know you won't answer this.

Just as I was about to continue with my dangerous train of thoughts, I saw three bubbles pop up, the sign of her typing.

That's what you think.

If you need to call me, that's fine.

Even if I don't answer, I'm always here for you.

Always?

Why?

Because we're friends, Christian. I care about you a lot and I want you to be okay.

I'm not right now. I'm not okay at all.

That is okay. It is completely fine to feel like utter shit. It's okay to lay in bed for a whole day because getting up is too much. It's okay to do nothing but sit on your phone every so often. It's completely fine to not be okay. The fact that you're alive is incredible in itself, so feeling not okay is more than okay.

Her words made my eyes water in their weakened state. It didn't take me a second before I clicked on the green phone symbol, desperate to hear her gentle voice.

"Hey," there was obvious concern in her tone, but she still greeted my the same as she always did.

"Hey."

My fingers were tied together as I set the phone next to me on speaker, lying in my bed as I let myself cry. It was a quiet cry, one of loneliness and insecurity. Just too many emotions to not have the tears leave me by myself.

"Did you want to vent, or talk it out?" She offered, voice almost sweeter than my heart could handle, "Or did you just need someone on the line?"

"You're well versed in this kind of thing, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I would say I'm your resident expert."

"Good," I rubbed a hand down my tired face to try and wake me up more, "I need the best."

"What happened? If you want to say. If anything happened."

A smile was my the face, even though I knew she couldn't see, "You talk a lot."

"Yeah, sorry," her tone was dejected. It told me that she had already thought about how much she speaks, and had decided that it was a negative.

"No, it's good," I corrected my misconstrued words, "I don't really like silence, I'm starting to realise."

"What about silence?"

"I don't know. I was reading earlier today-"

She gasped mockingly, "You know how to read!?" I could imagine her expression - playful. Her lips would be hiding a smirk, her eyes sparkling. A beautiful expression.

"Shut up," the brunette made me laugh, "That's so rude, of course I know how to read. I read a lot."

"What do you read?"

"To Kill A Mockingbird, Moby Dick, 1984, Jekyll and Hyde. All the classic must-reads."

"You like them, then?"

"Yeah, I guess..." I furrowed my eyebrows as a small smile reached my lips without me even thinking about it, "you distracted me from what I was saying."

"Sorry. I was just shocked."

"Right," I lay on my back, watching the ceiling in the moonlight, "Well I stumbled across this man. Irvan Yalom. He created the 'four givens' of life. I- " a sigh left my nostrils, "I really didn't like them."

"What are they?"

"The inevitability of death. The freedom to make our lives our own. The absence of meaning in life. Our ultimate aloneness."

She was silent on the line for a moment as she thought them over, before she clicked her tongue decisively, "The freedom one is nice."

"He stated that it wasn't so much a positive, as a life sentence. It marks responsibility for all that happens, that you cannot blame anything else for the results in your life."

"Well, isn't he a fucking ball of sunshine," she huffed. There was an obvious irritation in her tone, one she had when she heard too many pessimistic statements, "I think it's too simple to mark life that way. There's a bit too many complications in day-to-day life to state so basically."

I turned to my phone, the silence she sent meaning a lot more than her words. I thought of what it would be like to see her expression now. She would have pink cheeks as she tried to debate the statement she knew was all too accurate.

"Are you just mad that he's right?"

She remained silent on the other line, bar the sound of shuffling for a moment. She let a sigh leave her lips, her voice quiet, "I'm fucking furious that it's all true."

Hours must have passed in the solemn but gentle musings we spoke of. She told me of other philosophies she preferred to that of Yalom's, and forced me to list every single book I had read that I could remember.

Our breaths were slow and shallow over the line, and I was half asleep - the only thing keeping me awake being the light that my phone cast.

"Christian?"

Her voice made me open my eyes, as if I was thinking that maybe she would suddenly be by my side, "Yeah?"

"I'm really glad you called," her voice was barely a whisper for her confession.

"Oh yeah?" a yawn left my mouth as I stretched my arms over my head, "Why's that?"

"I had this bad feeling in my gut that something was horribly wrong. But Pierre is with Saoirse, and my family is well at home. Then I was worried something was happening with you, and I was going to text you earlier today, but the last thing I wanted to do was annoy you with my anxiety."

"Why would I be annoyed if you called?" I asked, my mind in a state where I couldn't filter anything that left my lips.

"I don't know, I just didn't want to bother you because I had an inkling something was wrong."

I couldn't help but to want to hold her hand so terribly, "You're allowed to do that, you know? Bother me."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, any time."

I could almost see the shine in her eyes, the expression of joy on her pink lips, "I'll keep that in mind."

A smile reached my lips as I mumbled out one last sentence before falling into peaceful sleep with Brandy on the other line, "Be sure to."