Are We Damned? ~ Glee

Absolution

Two days passed. Kurt was sitting in Ms. Pillsbury's office, staring at the pile of pamphlets she put in front of him. They were all about loss, just phrased in different ways. 

"So," Emma said, sitting across from Kurt. "Tell me what happened."

"You know what happened," he replied. "We were at the cast party, Blaine overdosed, he died in my arms while we were waiting for the ambulance." He recalled the events in a monotone voice. he had finally stopped crying after two days, and despite feeling like he had no tears left, he was still trying to hold back whatever emotions he did have.

"And how do you feel?"

Kurt shrugged. He really didn't know. He was never good at describing his emotions, but especially now, he didn't know what he was supposed to say. 

"Well, you're sad, right?"

"Yeah, of course I am."

"Do you feel responsible in any way?"

"Yes. It's partially my fault. I was the one that put all that pressure on him. I hurt him. He trusted me, and... I let him down."

"He loved you," she said, pushing one of the pamphlets towards him. "I think this one will help. It'll teach you to stop blaming yourself."

"Thank you." He didn't plan on reading it.

"Are you sure this wasn't an accident?"

"The paramedics said that with the amount he took, there's no way it was accidental. He knew what he was doing. And I'm sure he'd been planning to for a while. Or at least, he knew he would before he did it. He was crying after the show, I thought it was a bit weird but I didn't question it... I should have. There's a lot I should have done. A lot of signs I should have picked up on. He was counting on me, on all of us, and we let him down. Especially me."

"It's not your fault that you didn't recognize the signs," she said. "Nobody could have predicted this."

He nodded, even though he wasn't sure he believed that. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course, honey. That's what I'm here for."

"What happened when he came to see you?"

"Well... He told me he felt alone, like he had nobody to go to. He blamed himself for that though, saying it's because he wasn't true to himself."

Kurt put that idea in his head somehow. He must have.

She continued, "He did mention you. He said you had good intentions, and he knows that."

That doesn't mean what he did was right.

"He was scared of getting hurt," she added. "He asked me if it was too late to fix things, I told him it never is. See, I could be blamed as well. But am I letting that get to me?" She paused. "No, I'm not. It's natural to try to explain this, but I promise, you are not at fault. Okay?"

"Okay."

He didn't believe her. But what was he supposed to say?

Kurt left Ms. Pillsbury's office feeling no better than he was when he went in. He could have stayed longer, talked more, actually explained how he felt, but he wasn't ready to. Maybe one day he would, but not today. Not any time soon. He had to understand his feelings before he could explain them.

He only wished he knew what Blaine had been thinking. What exactly caused this, and if anyone really was at fault. He knew this wasn't the first time he did something like this, and he knew the first time was to avoid getting hurt. He did say he was scared, maybe his fear took over. Maybe he felt like he had lost everyone and had no reason to stay. There were many explanations, and no matter which one Kurt chose, he somehow connected it back to himself.

If he didn't pressure Blaine, none of this would have happened. Nothing could change his mind about that.