Are We Damned? ~ Glee

A Quiet Night At Home

TW: Self harm

Kurt was in his room, skimming a book. He didn't really have any interest in it, but he had to seem busy in case Finn came in. Burt and Carole were out, so he'd have the house to himself once Finn left. 

He heard a knock on his bedroom door. "Hey, it's Finn. I was just gonna ask one more time, are you sure you don't want to go? I'm leaving now, but I don't mind waiting if you want to get ready and come with me."

"I don't want to go," Kurt said. "Have fun, don't do anything stupid, don't stay out too late, and most importantly, good luck."

"Isn't it supposed to be 'most importantly, have fun?'" Finn asked. "Whatever. You sound like my mom... But if you change your mind, just come. Or text me and I'll pick you up, if you don't wanna take two cars."

"I'm not changing my mind. Just go."

"Alright, alright... I'll see you later." Finn waited a few moments, just in case Kurt changed his mind, then left.

Kurt watched from the window as Finn's car pulled away. He smiled a bit when the car disappeared down the block, happy to finally be alone. He went to the living room and laid on the couch rather than staying in his room. He almost wished he had gone with Finn, but he knew he wouldn't have enjoyed the party anyway. Besides, it was nice to have some time by himself.

He wondered what was happening at the party and considered asking someone, but didn't want to seem annoying, or make someone feel bad that he was missing out. He kept checking his phone in case he got a call or text from Sam, but he never did. It was probably a good thing, but he was still a bit worried that something might be happening, or that Sam wasn't actually watching Blaine like he had asked. He wished he had asked for updates rather than just hearing if something happened, but he didn't want to ask now.

Trust was important in a relationship. That was the main reason why Kurt even considered breaking up with Blaine. Maybe he was overreacting, but it was hard for him to be with someone who insisted they keep their relationship a secret. He wondered if it would be the same if Blaine was with someone else, if he'd hide no matter who he was with, or if Kurt was part of the problem.

He couldn't help but question if Blaine had fallen out of love, or if he was ever in love to begin with. He didn't know why he'd lie, unless he only agreed to the relationship because he felt bad saying no. That would be a good reason to hide, not wanting to risk anything for someone he never truly loved.

Kurt didn't know why he did this to himself, why he always thought of the worst case scenario and convinced himself it was true. Blaine being afraid to come out was valid, there didn't need to be any explanation besides the one he was given. But he couldn't stop convincing himself there was something more, that he was somehow the problem. And he hated himself for that. He hated his paranoia, his anxiety, his constant need for reassurance that everything was okay. He hated everything, everything, everything.

He didn't know how it happened, he didn't remember doing anything, but the next thing he knew, he was holding a paperclip, bent so it was straight. The end of the paperclip was pressed into his skin at the end of a fresh cut. He dropped the paperclip and ran to clean the cut. He had completely forgotten about the party and wasn't worrying anymore, now the only thing he was thinking was how angry he was at himself. It had been years since he last considered doing something like this, he spent years convincing himself not to, and now it seemed all he'd done was gone. 

Maybe being alone wasn't the best thing for him right now. He didn't want to go to the party, but he couldn't stay by himself. He got in the car and started driving to Puck's, hoping he wouldn't regret going.