The Beginning Of My Ending (On Hold)

Chaper One: The Heart

You know sometimes in life. We always have to make a decision based on what our heart wants, never truly understanding where all these feelings come from and why we feel like this.

Describing how one feels is only for one's understanding and usually not even the person themself can understand how the mind and heart feels, what it wants, or what it's trying to tell you. Trying to understand where all these feelings come from and why we feel them is beyond us.

Why is it so confusing and frustrating to understand them?

Because I believe they are the key to unlocking the secrets of the heart and the mind.

Where do all these feelings come from? 

The heart or the mind?

We all don't have an answer for that.

The heart is selfish if I say so myself. It always gets what it wants, by putting up all these emotions, these feelings, these thoughts that manipulate the mind into believing that this is what we want, that this is good for us no matter how crazy the situation is. It always gets what it wants, forgetting the risks we are taking and the pain we have to succumb to at the end of the day.

My friends have always said to me:"Listen to what your heart says, it knows best."

I have never really listened to my heart. I always used logic and I guess that's why my friends have always thought I'm weird and at some point, I believed them. I do feel weird and that made me feel unwanted and some people eventually left me in my path of growing up because who would wanna be with a weirdo like me.

I remember Amanda once asked me.

"Why is your heart so cold Arizona? I don't understand you." Amanda asked.

"I don't know." I replied when she asked. That was a lie, I knew exactly why the heart was not to be trusted, but kept it to myself. Amanda wouldn't understand. Amanda has never experienced heartbreak. Amanda always saw the outward appearance of a relationship, she only sees status, money and handsomeness. It has never to do with falling in love when it comes to her, Amanda only does relationships that benefit her.

Amanda and everyone were always treated like royalty and I was treated like a nobody. I didn't like the way I was treated so I did one thing that changed everything.

For once in my short life I did, I really did. I followed my heart and I guess this is where it all started with me foolishly following my heart. I wanted to know how it feels, to understand what all my friends have been saying about it. All this advice the heart gives them. What can a simple heart make you feel for another?

Until I met him.

The very same heart I've always ignored and used logic to understand human feelings neglecting my own because I refused to show people how I really feel is now the very same heart that would beat so fast in my chest till it hurts, the good kind of hurt, the hurt that I didn't mind, the hurt that was too good to be true, the hurt that would hide my pain, hard to believe that another human being can make me feel like this, another human being can make us feel happy and whole. 

But can also be the same human being that can destroy you, hurt you, cause you more pain than love.

Makes you wanna give up on everything, even your own life.

That's exactly how I felt.

Because I stupidly listened to my heart's desires.

Hard to believe.

A human being just like me and you can have such an effect on one person, that should be a sin. The very same human made my heart sing in my chest, ignoring my minds warning signs, the very same signs that were clear as day but as I said in the beginning, I listened to the very same organ that is evidence that I'm alive and that I have feelings and ignoring the other organ that also keeps me alive, sane and mentally stable. How ironic.

Maybe that's how I just view the heart I guess. I was left with so much pain and sorrow that I couldn't even comprehend nor understand why it hurts so bad and why I have to suffer because of him.

Why didn't I just say no from the beginning, why didn't I just say no.

And now I'm here struggling to hold onto my feelings because of him.

I'm suffering.

I'm hurting.

I'm crying.

I doubt easily.

I'm scared.

I have so many problems, self-doubts, insecurities, burdens, well not really burdens but you get me and every time I think about why my life turned out like this it always rounds off to me.

And you wanna know why because I foolishly listened to my heart desires and I followed them. I don't really know why, I just blamed myself for everything.

But I can't find it in my heart to hate him, even though a part of me loathes him. I mean he made me, me. He made me live life, see places I've never seen before and showed me that there is more to life than what we see in the news and of those around us. He made me smile, complete, happy, whole, loved, strong.

And I loved it and I loved how my heart would cherish each moment like it was my last, while in my mind it would always say,

"Be careful!"

"Beware!"

"He can't be trusted!"

"Run away?"

"Hide?!"

"Leave!"

"He's gonna hurt you, don't say I didn't warn you."

"Why would a guy like that want a girl like you seriously? Look in the mirror, you're nothing like her!?"

I really wish I could pick my heart out my chest and have a mute button for my mind because seriously they are constantly fighting everyday and everyday I have to endure the pain and severe damage they make with each passing day.

We always learn the hard way and we live with it even though things could've been different. I have to congratulate myself at some point and not pity and discourage myself. I mean seriously after everything, I'm still here standing and working on myself with the little support that I have. Working tirelessly everyday to at least make it through the day without caving in or breaking down, having to fight my demons everyday.

Now I'm living life, I'm seeing the hardship, I'm experiencing the pain of heartbreak, the ache, the...everything.

I didn't mean it when I said he destroyed me but he did destroy me inside.

Inside where my heart is, I think?

I'm confused and you know what? 

And it's still beating.

Yay me!

But you know what again, I regret everything. I regret the decisions I made, I regret showing myself and embracing myself, I regret some of the things I have done, I regret everything.

Because those decisions ended me, yes but somehow it taught me to get back up with a new mindset, a new motivation, a new role, and goals and I was taught valuable lessons. 

The heart is insane.

The heart is selfish. 

The heart is understanding but deceiving.

Sometimes we might think we know a person but they might not be the person they portray themselves to be.

But the heart isn't that bad though.

So here's my story on where it all started ...

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