The Beginning Of My Ending (On Hold)

Chapter Five: The Present

I fail to understand why the smallest things can affect us in a drastic way. That one minute we are happy and whole and next we feel dull and void. I don't understand why we always have to cry because of the unknown yet we know why we're crying in the first place. We feel this ache and dark cloud loom above us, following us wherever we go and we feel it but we don't know it, but I feel like it's deep within us. So deep locked up in our mind and heart but we can unlock it if we want to.

But we can't.

We can't just unlock the reasons why we're like this because we're scared, scared to acknowledge the fact that we are not well, the reasons and memories that we buried deep within ourselves. Only you as the person knows and can unlock them. We don't wanna unlock those memories because what if we feel the hurt and pain those in the past have caused us and remember things we would rather forget, what if we lose our insanity, what if we give in?

Just as you have been holding on for so long you decided to open the one thing holding you together.

Cause if we fall will we ever get back up? Will someone catch you when you fall? Will they help you get back up?

The souls secrets they say. Maybe it's true, maybe it's the only thing that keeps us sane.
Maybe the soul is supposed to have secrets to protect us from the truth. From drowning in our own sorrow, pain, tears, hurt. 

I believe that you gotta train your mind to be stronger than your emotions or else you will lose yourself every time. The hardest battle is between what you know in your head and what you feel in the heart.

And that is true.

I know people that gave in and lost a bit of themselves every time and I don't wanna be like that. I don't wanna lose myself.

I've been holding on for so long and I refuse to give in.

But last night Xan didn't show up.

I know deep down I would have done something to myself, something that I've done in the past, lately it's been getting worse and seeing Gale last night triggered old wounds.

Wounds that were sealed but not closed. Wounds that leave scar's behind as a reminder of your past. 

Your scar's stay longer than your friends, and that's a fact. Your scars will never leave you.
The commitment of your scar's never leaving. Promising to never leave you, to remind you and make you savour the sweet moments on how you got them.

But as time progresses, you learn to embrace your scars and acknowledge the past.

We just need to learn not to relive the past.

There is a difference between relieving and acknowledging. 

Nobody wants to relieve pain and hurt, but we can acknowledge that we have been hurt and in pain.

We need to focus on the present, what is in front of us and look forward. They say the present is a gift. But you first need to open and see what's inside first. 

It may be bad or it may be good but at the end of the day it's still the present and just needs to move on to the future.

Waking up this morning, I felt a strong arm around my waist as I turned around on the bed and came to face the sleeping Xan beside me, even in his sleep he is still handsome, holding and pulling me close to him until our chests were touching. As our legs were tangled together as if we were lovers. I slowly reached and lightly pushed a lock from his face. A frown marred my face when I realized, why he took care of me, why is he still here? That every time I needed someone he would be there, he never left me and Xan would always say to me that, Even when the sky starts falling I will hold you tight, he would always look at me with light in his eyes, what does that mean, why does he always look at me like that, does he hate me or is he getting tired. He is always looking at me with that expression, at first I never noticed, more like never paid attention to it but now he does it a lot and I am so confused on why I feel this way every time he looks at me deep down I know that I like the way his eyes would bore into mine and chase all my demons away, how he would let me cry and tell me to hold on and to never give in.

I never had a shoulder to cry on, Gale would never let me cry. He used to say crying is for the weak and he can't be seen with a weak girlfriend.

So I never cried, when he hurt me I never cried. Even when he abused me I never cried. Because crying was for the weak.
He taught me that I should be strong. That I should not let people see me vulnerable.
That's how it was back in The Order. 

You are all weak with no purpose. Tyran used to say this all the time.

It was engraved in our minds until we died. Gale used to protect me from him but surely he was destroying me. He was worse than Tyran. Gale was loving the fact I was broken and bruised. 

Tyran loved the fact we were all broken children.

Meanwhile Xan allowed me to cry. Xan protected me from Tyran and saved me from Gale. Xan caught me when I was down, he taught me that crying is not for the weak that crying was a way of acknowledging your feelings, that it was a way of release, a way to let it all out. He taught me to be strong and to be graceful. Xan took care of me while my family was in Atlanta doing business, he was a angel from heaven that I never had, a shoulder that I never had to cry on. A person that I could talk to all day and not to be scared of myself. A safe haven. He made me light. He made me feel different.

He said I should always embrace myself and I'm learning to do just that.

Why does he care about me, and why do I feel like this? As I stare down at his sleeping expression I realize that I have been caressing his face along, I remove my hand.

Did I just do that, and I mean a part of me enjoyed touching his face and being this close to him. Did I really just do that? My heart beats fast across my chest as this new weird feeling creeps in my chest.

I need air. 

I slowly wiggle out of his tight embrace, standing on the side of my bed, slowly stretching my aching body. Walking over the white carpeted floor towards the balcony, memories of last come flashing, I quickly shake those thoughts away. 

Focus on the future Arizona.

The bed creaks lightly, I stop walking slowly, turning over looking over at Xan's sleeping figure. 

His light breathing told me that he was still sleeping and not resting his eyes. I wonder how someone could look so handsome sleeping. 

Like I said before, don't focus on the past or you will miss the future.

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