The Beginning Of My Ending (On Hold)

Chapter Four: The Past and Pain

I can't sleep. 

I just can't.

Every time I close my eyes he's there and that's all I can think about. That's the only thing on my mind and I can't help it.

Seeing him last night left me discombobulated and eccentric. It left me thinking about us and why is he back, it left me envisioning.

Why did he have to come back after all this time of trying to get back up and move on from the pain he has caused me. Everything is finally working out for me, sort of but it's better than before.

It's two am and I'm here standing by the balcony wearing the same clothes from yesterday beige ankle jeans and a red oversized jersey, overlooking Catania's bright light's.

Beauty of the night.

The night also holds your nightmares and fears, it holds death and secrets, it holds lie's and tears.

It holds many broken and wandering souls. It's the only time where you can view yourself perfectly.

Cry in the night and smile during the day, that's me. 

It's not right although it's true and you know life has a funny way of showing us that.

As I stand here staring at the city in front of me, I drift off to the conversation we had last night.

I feel uneasy as if I'm supposed to know something, like I'm missing something from the conversation last night. I feel like there was something else, a double meaning to what Gale was saying.

Maybe he's here for The Order business, but last time I remember he left The Order.

Could be the reason I suppose but that's none of my business, I want nothing to do with The Order or Gale.

After that awkward encounter last night and driving home and a cell phone ringing, I don't recall anything else.

We arrived back from the party four hours ago and Xan must have taken me upstairs because I don't remember getting in bed. But that doesn't matter, I trust Xan.

"Are you sure about that?" 

I should trust him? I mean he has always been there for me ever since Tyran, the leader of The Order appeared. I've always lived in fear of him taking me back to The Order and Xan and Gale used to protect me from him. Xan was there to cheer me up when me and Gale used to argue. Xan was there for me when Gale left me for Beradi. I guess Beradi had more to offer Gale than me. 

Gale used to protect me from Tyran. He used to care for me and love me the way I thought a person should be loved. He used to take me to places I've never been before, made me feel whole again and he made me smile, live, love and laugh. He used to hold me when I was down. Guide me when I was going the wrong way. Help me and motivate me. He made me feel beautiful and wanted. I gave him my heart and soul and he broke my heart and tainted my soul at the end.  

I loved him.

I've been so scared to love ever since and Xan was there to pick me up and tell me to look at the road ahead.

"Don't focus on the past Arizona or you will miss the future" Xan would say all the time, I took that advice and moved on with a sore heart but I still moved and slowly after sometime it stitched back bit by bit.

But not fully, I don't think it fully will. I just can't understand why.

Why am I still holding onto the past? Why do I have to be like this?

A pathetic useless girl. An unwanted neglected weirdo. The girl Gale used and left her alone like she is suppose to be, alone. 

I remember all the things they used to say to me.

"You're useless, can't you do anything right!"

"I wonder what Gale saw in you."

"You're ugly."

"Nobody wants you here Arizona!"

"Just do us a favour and leave will you!"

"Freak!"

"Gale must have just felt sorry for you."

"Ugly, Pathetic, Useless, Freak, Weirdo, Sl–"

"No, No, No, I'm not useless!" I screamed into the night. 

"I'm not pathetic, I'm not strong enough, I'm not-

Leaning against the balcony glass and do one thing that I'm good at.

Crying my pain in the night.

Where no one can see or hear my pain.

What's the point of living if I live everyday with pain. Pain that won't fade. Why am I living? 

Maybe they're right, maybe they're all right. Why am I thinking like this? Can't I just make a decision for once in my life. Why now?

Why am I having another episode? I thought I was past that. 

"Maybe it is true we are useless, pathetic, ugly and unwanted Arizona, nobody wants us, You are a freak, who would wanna be surrounded by one. Those people you call your friends only hangout with you, they just feel sorry for you. You only hangout with them because you wanna feel wanted and belonged. Can't you get the fact that we are not wanted in this world–"

"Stop!" I scream tugging my hair in hope of getting rid of the voices in my mind. 

"No, I won't stop Arizona. Just end this and there won't be anymore pain and sadness. We will be happy and content forever. No more noise, just silence. Don't you want that?"

"I do, I want this to stop. I want the pain to stop" I cried.

"Please stop!"

"Please!"

"Then do it Arizona, end everything and leave. Nobody will care."

"Don't give in Zona." A voice said in front of me.

Looking up, I'm met with grey eyes staring into my teary dull brown ones.

"Don't give in Zona please look at me and please don't give in baby." Xan plead to me. His eyes holding so much sadness in them.

I caused that sadness, I'm making him sad. I'm hurting Xan. I'm making him sad. I did that.

I did that.

I just broke down, crying for the pain I'm causing him, the pain I've succumbed to in the past.

I just cried.

Xan held me as I cried. Not saying a word. He just held me there in the cold night.

My sobs were the only thing being heard that night.

I cried myself into slumber, with one thing on my mind.

Should I give in?

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