The Beginning Of My Ending (On Hold)

Chapter Nine: Nihilities Light

I've have always wondered why is it so hard being a teenager.

Being a teenager should be easy you know. Being in high school should be fun but it seems as if high school is the only place in this world where you see the reality of life.

Surrounded by hundreds of other teenagers who don't give a damn about you, who you don't know and sometimes it's not nice because you have to make friends out this people, you need to see where you fit in with this people. In primary things were peaceful and for some it was horrible. Primary we had friends, we didn't have to worry about how our bodies look and how pretty we are. We never worried about social media and what the world thinks of us.

That's just how I view it.

High school then comes and shows most of us the real world.

Some of us are judged by how our bodies look, some of us were judged by who we hangout with. Popularity matters, the kind of clothes you wear matters.

We get labelled and that label stays with us.

Making friends becomes really hard, feeling accepted becomes even harder, and holding on becomes the hardest.

Wonder how it feels having real friends?

A person to talk to and go out with. Friends that you can do normal teenage stuff with, have sleepovers, shopping, talk, explore you know. I don't know how that feels, I don't know how it feels to do any of that

So this is my life, boring and void with no community, I'm moved and confused by it. I need to experience things that will inspire me to live life before having to see the hardship of it. I mean I'm on my last year of high school and what great memories am I creating...

None.

There are so many things in life we can't explain and this is one of them for me. Often times things happen for a reason and we are forced to deal with the outcome. There are many memories that I have of people that are no longer here present with me in this life– Mesa being one of them. Simply due to choices made by themselves or an ongoing persuasion by others, I have grown to accept this painful life that I live but I can't move on with it.

Everybody knows how to have fun and smile meanwhile all I know is to cry in my room in the night, slowly embracing fate. There is hurt inside of this body and now the scars just prove to all that my internal pain turned external. I remember I was once happy.

I remember I was always happy, I remember how carefree I was and how my eyes shone bright on dull days.
Back in the day with me, Gale, Beradi, Xan, Mesa and D'Angelo and the rest of the gang.

Somehow, someday I ended up in this deep hole with no way out, only dark shadows in it –it's about time before it consumes me with it. I've never done anything wrong maybe existing was wrong. Everybody has the opportunity to change things yet I sit here accepting it but I know I don't wanna live my life like this, I wanna experience.

My mind beats me up everyday and filling me up with this dark thoughts. My heart throbbing with the unbearable sadness and longing slowly giving up on emotions, on positivity and filling itself up with nihility. It's giving up and now I'm holding onto my own heartstrings and sanity, deaths sweet promises lulling my aching heart and encouraging my mind to do the same.

I'm losing this battle.

But for first time in so many years, I get to experience how it feels like to go out with someone the same gender as me. Someone who actually wants to hangout with me.

I look around Versco Café, peace and calmness fills this café.

The vintage styled café, simple decorations  such as a framed chalkboard poster is placed by the exit advertising Italian olive oil, coffee, wine, and croissants, contemporary jazz playing softly in the cafés space. The entire wall area is filled with framed photos or portraits of Italian family members, celebrity chefs and interior vintage shots of the café, colourful vine patterns spread on the beige walls. Wooden kitchen utensils such as a polenta paddle ravioli rolling pin and a pizza cutting board hanging on the wall, on top of the repurposed shelves are spice tin's.