Jegulus - I'll be good

Part twenty

I really wanted to switch to a weekly update schedule, but I know I won't be able to keep it, so I can aswell update however I please :) Enjoy!

Song listened to: Do I wanna know - Arctic Monkeys

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James watched Sirius leaving the hall and really hoped the brothers would sort out their issues. On Regulus' behalf, but also on Padfoot's. His thoughts wandered back to last night and to how relaxed the Slytherin had been, no hint of his usually distant behaviour in sight. And he couldn't get his face out of his mind when he asked him to stay with him. He had looked kind of ashamed, pleading and hopeful at the same time and he could've sworn that he saw a hint of fear - but of what? Being alone? Him saying No? He couldn't tell. Once they had settled, the slender boy fell asleep quite fast and the Gryffindor had kept his arms around him in hopes it would keep bad dreams away, when he didn't feel alone. He tried not to think about how much he enjoyed the near to him, or how his heartbeat went up when Regulus turned around and pressed his face subconsciously against his chest, or how the Slytherin smelled like snow and pine. And he definitely didn't try to think of how he started to run his fingers through this dark and slightly too long curls and how his stomach felt when Regulus reacted to this slight touch with cuddling even closer to him. And while he definitely didn't think about all these things, he sat there between his girlfriend and Peter, feeling guilty and confused and doomed. As soon as Moony declared to leave, he jumped up: "I'm coming with you."Remus blinked in surprise, but then nodded: "Sure. Joining me for the library?""Uh..yes, sure, let's go. See you later, Lily", he quickly shot a smile at her and quickly kissed her, before almost storming out of the hall. Lily and Remus exchanged a confused look, then Moony followed him outside.

"What, in Gryffindor's name, is wrong with you, Prongs?", Remus asked immediately as he reached him, a bit concerned, but mostly confused. James sometimes had weird moods, but this time he didn't see any reason for why.
"I..god, that's bonkers..can we go somewhere private? The dorm maybe?", James gave back and didn't even wait for an answer, already walking to the staircase. Moony stood where he was for a second..but..the library..with a sigh he followed his friends and they walked in silence.
"I have a problem, I think. A completely unexpected, stupid problem", the Potter announced as soon as the door closed behind him. He let himself fall on his bed and looked at Remus seriously: "You can't tell anyone, yes? This needs to stay between me and you. And you can't especially tell Sirius, because I feel like he's going to kill me."
"What, did you eat his last lemon drops?", Moony asked amused, but James didn't even smile at it. Uh oh. So that was a really serious thing. Okay. He sat down on his own bed and nodded: "My lips are sealed. I'm listening."
James inhaled and exhaled slowly, took off his glasses and tried to find words. He was fucked. So so fucked, and he was a terrible person.
"I love Lily. I really do, she's amazing and smart and funny and after all these years I'm very happy that she gave me a chance", the Potter started speaking, he was honest in everything he said, it was simply the truth. Looking back being such a pushy prat wasn't right and he should've accepted her saying No. He didn't deserve her. And now he was being an awful partner.
"I know. We all know that, but that doesn't sound like a problem to me", Remus pointed out and kept his eyes on the headboy. He was very sure that this wasn't what he had wanted to talk about, why would it?
"Yeah..well, that's not. It's just. I had to say it, just to make sure you understand, alright?", the Gryffindor said with a sigh and put his glasses back on, "what I'm telling you now is something I've absolutely not expected to happen. I'm not..I didn't think I am..well..look. I love Lily, but..I think I'm crushing on someone else, too..sort of." There, he said it. It was now out in the world and the silence that follwed after was a bit uncomfortable. He didn't dare to look at Moony and honestly had the urge to disappear. Maybe the earth could crack open and eat him? That would be great.
Remus let out a long breath and rubbed his chin: "Wow. Well. I'm kind of surprised, but I'm also not, somehow. Things like that happen sometimes and James, you should know that it doesn't make you a terrible person. You can't control your feelings."
These words let James look up in surprise: "But..I'm literally cheating on her!"
Moony raised an eyebrow: "Did you kiss that other person? Did you make out with this person? Going on dates, or anything like that?"
"I..no, but-"
"Then it's not cheating. But you should talk to Lily about it. You have to. You hear me? Because it's not fair to not tell her and it's also not right to not tell her", Remus said emphatically, "because if you don't, it turns into cheating."
"She will hate me. She will break up with me and send me to hell and she'll never talk to me again", James cried out desperately and buried his head in his hands. He was awful, no matter what Remus said. How could he dare having feelings for someone else, after all?
"That might be", Moony had to admit, "but you still owe her that. And you don't know..maybe it's okay. I mean she surely knows that you don't have control over that too. She's usually an understanding person."
"I know. That's one reason why I love her, but..man, this stuff is different", James said quietly, why couldn't he just not be like that? The fact of who it was didn't make it any better. Not at all.
"Yeah, I get that. But you would feel worse for keeping it a secret in front of her", Remus pointed out factually and kicked James' shin lightly.
"I hate you. Stop being so smart. You're right", James agreed with a deep sigh. This was a disaster. He barely was insecure about anything in life, but right now he felt like he knew nothing and was scared of everything that could happen in the next days. How should he tell her?
"Who is it, though?", Moony asked more curious then, but before James could answer, he set one and one together, "wait..I shouldn't tell Sirius especially..you've to be kidding me. Are we talking about Regulus?"
Prongs didn't say anything to that, but his desperate look was answer enough.
"Oh shit. That's bad. That's absolutely fucking bad. But hey, welcome in the alphabet mafia", Lupin said with a bit of amusement in his voice.That really was a surprise.
"Yeah..awesome..I don't know how the hell this happened", the Potter said a bit whiny and buried his head under a pillow. He'd always been supportive of his friends and everyone who didn't fit into what the world saw as default, but he'd never thought to be one of them. Stupid Black. Brought his whole life out of line.
"It will be fine. Three bisexual people in one room, what could go wrong?", Remus tried to lighten the mood a bit and threw his pillow at James, "can I tell Sirius that part tho? He will be delighted."
"God no. He will ask me who I have a crush on that I noticed it and.."
"Yeah, I see. Okay. I just..secrets barely can be kept forever, you know", Moony replied with a serious face.
"As long as I'm walking on this earth, nobody will find out yours", James made clear and threw the pillow back at him after he sat back up. This whole situation was such a mess. He was such a mess.
"Will you tell Regulus?", Remus asked after a moment of silence in which both tried to process the conversation. James was still surprised by how Remus reacted to it. And he was definitely grateful for it too.
"I..no, I don't think so. Why making a big thing of it. The boy's having it difficult enough, he doesn't need me being a creep too", James shook his head slowly. What was even wrong with him? Regulus was just fifteen...no, sixteen now. Which, now that he thought about it, wasn't that much of an age difference, but it still didn't make him less of a creep on some other levels.
"Don't be ridiculous. Why should you be a creep for liking him?", Moony asked blankly and got off his bed, "but it's okay, tho. I mean it's just a crush right? You might get over it within a few weeks."
"Yeah..that's maybe true. So no reason..and when I'm over it, I will also tell Sirius", he said promising. He hated to keep secrets from his friends. But it was necessary this time. Which brought him back to think about the brothers having a conversation right now. He really hoped it went well. They deserved peace with each other, both suffered long enough from the circumstances.
"Can I go now? To the library?", the prefect cut through the silence and had put on his jacket."Yeah..sure. Thank you, Remus. For listening and..you know", he waved vaguely and Moony smiled, nudging him.
"That's what friends are for."

He left James alone with his thoughts and the Potter appreciated the silence. This all was so damn complicated. And he really thought his love life would be easy and stable after finally being with Lily. A knock on the door let him leave his thoughts and he went to open it. A fourth year Gryffindor stood there, with a shy smile: "Sorry to interrupt. An owl dropped this letter for you." He reached him an envelope and quickly left. James looked at it a bit confused and turned it around. The ministry's seal? HIs confusion grew even more. He went back to his bed and broke the seal, unfolding the parchment, that was filled with a neat handwriting.