Jegulus - I'll be good

Part Twenty-Three

Should I give you guys a break from posting? I really told myself I won't update today, but here we are. 

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I hope y'all like the new cover, when I stumbled over that picture I had to use it. 

・‥...━━━━━━━☆☆━━━━━━━...‥・James spent some more time at the pitch after Regulus had left, grabbed one of the school brooms and flew a few rounds, which cleared his head even more than sitting around. He couldn't believe he agreed to go to Hogsmeade with Regulus Black. His graduation year really had some twisted and unexpected turns in it. He honestly wished his teenage drama was the worst thing to worry about tho - not the rising war of the wizarding world or how he should continue to live without his parents. He felt selfish, too. His parents weren't the first one to fall in the war and they surely weren't the last either. Others suffered and grieved too. Some were much younger. And that made him even angrier. He was so sick and tired of being damned to sit still, just because he was a student. The wizarding world was on fire and they were supposed like this didn't happen at school?He was walking back to the castle, while his mind got really stuck at that thought. There needed to be a way to do more. To be more involved. To do more. Maybe he could work something out with the others. Sirius would surely agree to it, just for the sake of doing adventureous stuff, Peter said yes to everything they wanted to do anyway, Remus would want to make sure to keep the damage in control and Lily..James stopped walking and rubbed over the sublte stubble on his jaw. He really needed to talk to her. But..before tomorrow? Or when he came back? Would it be wrong to meet up with the Slytherin if he didn't talk to her first? It wasn't like..a date or something, they were just friends. Prongs tried hard to think how Remus would answer these questions. Smart, considerate, mature Remus would tell him to talk to her before the trip and he sighed in defeat. Being terrified wasn't very Gryffindor of him, but how shouldn't he be? He had enough life changes for the year and it was just the end of january.

The Potter started walking again and went straight to the Gryffindor tower, climbing through the hole behind the portrait and entering the common room. He quickly looked through it for a redhead, but Lily wasn't there. However, he saw Remus reading a book, having Sirius spread over the rest of the sofa and his head in Moony's lap, face behind a muggle music magazine and Peter sitting on the floor, writing homework on the low table. It was an image of peace and he suddenly felt with all intensity, how much he had missed his friends in the last days, while he was busy hiding away from the world. Remus was the first to notice him and let the book sink with a small smile: "Hey, Prongs. Haven't seen you here for a long time." Sirius head snapped up and he looked at James too, mix of concern and warmth in his face. James cleared his throat: "Yeah, I..I guess I'm done with hiding away from the world." Padfoot sat up and made room for the headboy and he thankfully let himself fall down at the now free space, leaning his shoulder against him: "You okay?"Sirius raised an eyebrow about this question: "You ask if I am okay? Prongs..you really are one of yourself..but yes, I'm doing okay so far. Sad, of course, but..yeah. How about you?"James had feared this question, but to his own surprise it didn't hit him right in the chest, so he slowly nodded: "I'm doing okay too, I guess. It's a bit easier after yesterday, somehow." Maybe because he had gotten to say goodbye. Sirius nodded, he saw it completely the same. Wrapping his arm around James' shoulers, he leaned back: "It was a beautiful funeral, wasn't it? I'm glad they put so much effort into it." "I agree. Thank you guys for coming with me", Prongs said with a little smile and nudged Sirius brotherly. He felt homely and relaxed between his friends in the warm Gryffindor common room. For the first time in a week, he felt really at peace. "Of course. We are family", Remus pointed out and Peter nodded frantically: "Right, family." He shortly looked up from his essay to grin at his friends, before bowing back down. James shortly nudged him with his leg and sighed. He almost dozed off until he remembered why he came up here in the first place and he jumped on his feet: "Does anyone know where Lily is?" He meant to ask his friends, but it was Alice from the other side of the room who answered: "She's at the greenhouse with Marly and Dorcas. They're picking some herbs for potions."James shot a smile at her: "Thank you. See you guys later." He found Lily with the other girls, having some small glasses filled with different herbs on the table in front of them and focused faces. He almost felt bad for interrupting them and throught about talking to her later. Then he noticed he was just shoving it away, because he didn't want the result. "Hey, sorry to interrupt you guys. Can I talk to Lily for a moment?", he made himself noticeable and Lily looked up with a smile."Yes, of course. I'll be back in a minute", she said to Dorcas and Marlene, before kissing James' cheek and leading him outside. Prongs looked at her a bit concerned. It was still quite cold and she didn't wear a jacket, so he took of his own and wrapped it around her shoulders: "Do you want to freeze?"The redhead shook her head with a thankful smile and then scanned his face worried: "Alright, what do you want to talk about? Do you need help?" She stroked some hair behind his ear and patiently waited for his answer. James started to feel terrible again. There she was, patient and caring and just the wonderful person she was and he was going to hurt her. Maybe he should just forget it, stay away from Regulus, like..it shouldn't be that hard, right? He's done that for five years, he could do it again. Until, he couldn't. He had promised him his help and he wouldn't let him down. Damn it. "I'm an awful person, Lily..you're going to hate me after this", Prongs started and ran his hand through his hair, pulling on a handful out of frustration, but quickly moving on before he couldn't get a word out anymore, "I love you, so much. Did since..at least two years now, hence why I didn't let you live in peace from me."He laughed an emotionless laugh and looked at her, concerned about the silence. But Lily just stood there, still waiting for him to come to the point, although her face had hardened a bit, she didn't seem to want to interrupt him at all. "But I...well..it seems like..maybe I'm all wrong, but..I might be crushing on someone else, too and I just noticed it before hell broke loose over my parents and Remus was right, I have to tell you and now I do. I don't know how it happened, and I for sure I don't want it to be like that", he brought out very quickly and getting quieter with every word, "and you have every right to be mad at me, or to hate me and to never talk to me again." He realised that his hands were trembling and shoved them into the pockets of his trousers, his face felt hot in the sudden gust of wind and his heart raced so much that he feared it would jump out of his chest. It felt like an infinity until Lily finally broke the silence that had followed afterwards: "Oh. Well, that..wow. That's unexpected."Her voice was just a mumble and she seemed more confused than upset. Honestly, James would prefer if she screamed at him. In this calm silence he felt even worse and so unfair towards her. "I'm sorry, Lily, I really don't know what happened and I sure as hell won't make any moves on that, but you still needed to know", the Potter replied fast and didn't take his eyes off her for a second. "I...it's okay...I guess. It's not like you walk around and decide to feel what you feel", the redhead gave back knowingly and played with the hem of the sleeves, trying to mask the upcoming wave of insecurity. "Who is she?", Lily wanted to know and looked back at him attentive, "I'm not..mad, I just want to know." And that was fair, but Merlin..if that hadn't shocked her already, the who definitely would, right? "Is it important?", James tried to come out of this answer, just with a tiny sparkle of hope. He just came on terms with it for himself, didn't mean he was ready to carry it out into the world. Clearly he had been more comfortable speaking to Remus about that part than it was with Lily. "Yes, James. It is important. I want you to be honest with me and not just half honest", the Evans gave back firmly and crossed her arms in front of her chest. And of course, she was right. He owed her that. James closed his eyes for a moment and rubbed over his neck: "Okay, well.. It's not..uhm.. not a girl. Regulus." He felt his face heating up even more, and couldn't lay his finger on wether it was embarrassment or shame, but he didn't dare to look Lily in the eyes. The headgirl let out a laugh: "Regulus? Fucking Blacks, I swear..should've seen that one coming..really should've seen it coming." She still didn't sound mad or worse, disgusted. Just surprised and...amused? What in the world..James stared at her in confusion, unable to get a word out. He...She..what? He desperately tried to put one and one together, but it just didn't work out. "It's okay, James, really. Would've been worse if it was a girl, but I can live with you crushing on a guy. It's nothing to be compared. Don't beat yourself up for that, alright?", Lily said a bit more serious then and stepped towards him, stroking over his cheek, "and I know that you love me. Nothing would let me doubt that." She kissed his lips softly and put his jacket back around his shoulders. "Thank you for telling me. I'm very glad that you're honest with me", she smiled and headed back into the greenhouse. James stood there completely overwhelmed by the outcome of this mess and couldn't believe it. Lily must be a saint, there was no other explanation for this.