Jegulus - I'll be good

Part Thirty-Eight

CW for homophobia again
Thank you for 7,3k votes and 206k reads, I'm completely blown away! Y'all are the reason that I keep working on the fanfic.
Since we are understaffed at work again, I won't be able to keep a regular writing schedule (AGAIN haha), maybe I just shouldn't try to create one in the first place XD However - enjoy this emotional part~ 

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With a hot face and racing heartbeat Regulus entered his dormitory. This kiss now had been different, completely threw him off the rails and it was mean too. Doing this to him; not that he would complain. It was difficult to hold back a silly grin as he definitely didn't want to give his roommates something to talk about. Perhaps it was visible anyway, because even tho he had to worry about so much and the recent developments regarding the war situation scared him to the bones, he had never felt so content before, if not even happy. James gave him a feeling of safety he never had experienced before and he even started to appreciate Lily instead of being jealous of her. Of course the situation with Sirius still burned a hole in his chest, they just had made up their years long feud, but he truly hoped it would turn into something better again.

"And that's how we will beat Gryffindor in the next game", the voice of their captain floated through the air. Regulus just now noticed that he didn't hear a word of what he said, which wasn't really the best considering that he was hanging on a thin thread already when it came to Quidditch team. But for some reason he didn't really care about that. With the whole war situation and his personal problems at home it felt almost ridiculous to worry about a school sport event. In all honesty, he absolutely forgot about it too, if not one of the others would've dragged him to the meeting he wouldn't even be here and his brain was somewhere else too. Of course not physically, that was impossible. But his mind definitely was wandering off, switching between James' last kiss and his problem with the girl he involuntarily should marry – hell, he even had forgotten her name already. That's how interested he was in the whole thing. It wasn't fair towards the girl, she was nice and everything, but definitely not his type on so many levels. And even though affairs were quite common in their circles behind closed doors, he didn't plan on living that. Marrying for reputation and money and living a lie; he had done that for long enough and was still doing it in many things. But he hoped that one day he could live a life he didn't wanted to escape from like Sirius was creating his. Sirius...maybe he should confront him.
"Black! In Merlin's Name, where are you?"
"Probably thinking about having someone's cock shoved down his throat, poofy glitter fairy he is", Mulciber mumbled and made his friends laugh with that. Regulus rolled his eyes and turned around to face him.
"Why don't you just admit that your homophobic 'jokes' are just screams for what you want at this point? You're getting boring and your so called friends are also just scared of you and don't actually think you're funny either. So you might as well want to stop before you appear completely desperate and pathetic. That's the last time I'm solving this with words. The next time I might sterilize you, so your stupidity doesn't get spread in future generations", Regulus said with dangerous composure, he was boiling inside but it wasn't very elegant to lose his temper. But he was really fed up with the constant comments, not even because it affected him personally, but because it was also really stupid and annoying.
It shut Mulciber up, not frightened or anything but just not caring enough to engage. Regulus didn't care either as long as he didn't have to hear more of this bullshit. He didn't know if the training was over or not, but he had no intention of staying longer, so he grabbed his broom and jacket and walked back to the castle, leaving his teammates utterly confused.

"You should just ignore it, Reggie. Giving him fuel doesn't make him stop", James said later that day and rubbed over the Slytherin's back, "he gave Sirius and Remus the same shit last year when they started dating openly. He's lacking intelligence as much as he's lacking a good looking appearance."
"I know. But not saying anything to it will make him think it's okay. And it is not, how can you not care about it?", Regulus sighed deeply and buried his head in his arms, "if he's not shutting up now, how worse will it become when he knows that he's been right all along?" He didn't want to admit it, but fear was raising again. Fear of his parents' reaction and how his life would be affected by it in the future. His social status, his future work, literally everything, if he even survived the war. He pictured himself living on a sinister street, no money, no wand, no sanity anymore, left by everyone because of who he loved and being left by those too. His heart started racing and not in the good way, he became dizzy and it was suddenly hard to get air in his lungs.
"Hey, kitten, you okay?", James asked worried as he noticed what was going on. But Regulus didn't really understand his words, the blood rushing in his ears was too loud. With trembling hands he freed himself from James' arms and stood up from the sofa, pacing and trying to calm down, but he was being pushed to the edge more with every step.
"Regulus-"
"I could lose everything, James. My whole life, everything I know. My parents cursed Sirius after he outed himself and he was just the 'bad kid'. They rely on me and they will probably be even more in rage than they were with Sirius, so even if I don't get killed in the war, they might do it and-"
James had gotten up and stepped behind him, wrapping his arms tightly around him: "You're panicking, darling. You're shaking like crazy...come, let's take some breathes together, hm?" Regulus bit his lips hardly and tried to push his feelings of doom down and ended up digging his fingers into James' arm.
"Your worries are absolutely valid and I can absolutely relive that, but you are not alone. You have me, you have Lily, you have Sirius and Remus for sure too. Whatever might happen as a result of this, you won't end up alone and lost. You don't have to rely on yourself only anymore, don't forget that", the Potter reminded him softly, but determined and stroked through the Black's hair.
Regulus let out a sound between a laugh and a sob: "Sirius? He hates me now more than he did before! It already caused problems and it's not even my parents yet. James, I....I don't think I can do this."
"You're scared and that's okay. We can take a step back and we don't need to make it public if it's too soon for you", Prongs said seriously and honest, hoping that was what Regulus was talking about, because he made it sound like something else to him.
"Sirius already knows it and when he does, the whole school will do so in less than a month too. And my parents and everyone else. This was such a stupid idea. How did I think it could turn out good? Why didn't I use my brain to think it through before? I don't know what to do. Why did I have to fall for you? You ruined everything, you idiot!", Regulus complained, feeling like his brain wires completely melted, "why can't you be unbearable?!"
James didn't let go off him and tried to lighten the mood: "Because I'm awesome and have irresistible charm, what did you think?"
The Slytherin let out another of this laugh-sobbing noise and didn't bring out even one word anymore, as his body didn't stop shaking from tears and heavy breathing.

He didn't know how much time had passed since his outburst, but when he woke up it was completely dark. James' arms were wrapped around him and there was no doubt that he had been there all the time. Regulus felt completely exhausted - his whole body was hurting, his head too, his face was swollen and he was dehydrated. But next to feeling ashamed for this emotional disaster, he also felt much lighter inwards. Like this breakdown had released all the fears, despair and stress that had built up over the last weeks...what did he say, months if not even years. He was horribly embarrassed about it, but feeling freer was worth it.
"Do you feel better?", James' sleepy voice appeared behind him and Reg's heart made a little jump.
"Mhm... I'm sorry for this, usually I'm not like this", he muttered and picked on James' sleeve a little bit shyly now, "I didn't mean to act hysterically."
Prongs shook his head and pulled him back into his arms and kissed Regulus' forehead: "Don't apologise for having feelings, kitten. Honestly, I'm quite honoured that you're feeling safe enough with me to let them out, because from what I know how you were raised, showing any sort of emotion in front of others must be very hard for you to do."
Regulus' heart felt like it was growing bigger from the understanding James had. He really didn't get how it was possible that someone was so amazing.
"You must think I'm completely broken tho", the Slytherin sighed and sank back against his chest, inhaling the Gryffindor's incredible calming scent.
"If you're that, you just fit perfectly, love. We all are a little bit broken, that's why we fit together to repair the cracks together", Prongs gave back with a small smile and hugged him closely, "now, let's catch some more sleep, shall we? Tomorrow is a new day and you will need energy."
Regulus only nodded and pressed a kiss on James' lips: "Thank you. You have no idea how much I appreciate you."