IMPUMELELO

Chapter 17

Fisokuhle left yesterday and I am already missing my husband we have spent a lot of time together in the past month so I am used to his presence. I know I said I was tired of being around him but I was lying, I miss his annoying self. "Shame you miss you him already?" Zenala says. "You have no idea I miss him babying me." I say. "You guys are so cute but y'all are disrespectful. You leave your house to have sex in my house, leaving us with your kids I will never forgive you for that." She says laughing. I am now embarrassed, they heard us. I look down and I am now gazing at the floor suddenly the tiles seem more interesting than modern family. She suggested we watch it and I never really liked the show till today, and I was wrong for judging it according to 2minutes of passing.

I stand up to get some ice cream, and I am so craving it. She and I will get along just fine, we have so many similarities between us, I like her she is a wholesome person funny, intelligent and she just makes one feel warm and welcome. I feel like I just wet myself, is probably just sweat it happens. I proceed to walk and my trousers feel wet, okay that's weird. I feel cramps creeping up on me, okay that's not good. "Oh my God Sanele!" Zenala exclaims. I look down and I see blood on my trousers. My heart sinks I already know what's happening. My heart beats faster than ever before. I feel a bit light headed. I walk back to the couch and I seat down. She rushes to my side.

"Are you alright? Should I call the doctor?" She asks. "No please don't, I just need to go to the bathroom and shower. " I say she looks at me she seems to understand. She helps me to the bathroom. I take off my pants and they are bloody the last time I saw this much blood was during my student days when I was helping out during in a theater. She opens the shower for me. "I will bring you some pain killers." She says. So the woman was correct once again I lost my babies. I get in the shower and the blood and tissue coming out none stop. This is like a long period except it isn't, these are pieces of my babies.

I have been in the bathroom for past four hours. I cant get myself to face Zenala or anyone for that matter I don't even want to see my babies. I just put the long overnight pad which will be filled soon, I know. I take the pain killers Zee gave me. I finally gather the courage to come out. She is sitting on the couch watching the TV but its like her mind is not here. She is far away with her thoughts my boys are playing around with the toys she just placed in front of them. Siko sees me he rushes to me screaming mama, and Luhle just looks at me then back to what he was doing. I don't want to pick him up I just look at him. I am not in a mood. Zee sees me and she looks at me like she sympathizes with me.

"Can you please look after the boys, I just need to have sometime to myself." I say and I walk to the bedroom where I am sleeping. I have lost my babies, I didn't even get the chance to know them I didn't know whether they were boys or girls or maybe both. My body wasn't even that aware that there are babies here. I only just found out and I have been afraid of losing them, or losing my own life that I forgot to embrace that they are here, I didn't even get a chance to celebrate them.

I don't know who to blame, I don't know what to do with myself. I have always dealt with women who lost their babies and I knew how to advise them, I could sympathize with them. I knew I would always refer them to a gynae so they will clean whatever is left of the miscarriage, I knew I would tell them it happens to a certain percentage and that they should try again, that everything would be alright, but now I don't know this is all so different from textbook content. Maybe I should be to blame I should have encouraged Fisokuhle to look into what the woman said while it was still early.

The door opens and I see a worried Fisokuhle, argh Zenala must have informed them that I just miscarried. Why did she do that? "Sanele are you alright?" He asks concerned. I just feel a rush of tears falling. "They are gone, our babies are gone." I say and I cry. He doesn't say anything he just holds me like he always does whenever I am going through something. He doesn't say anything he just keeps me in his arms silently. "Its my fault I should have acted faster when we received the warning. I am sorry." He says. I don't know what to say because I also feel like we should have acted faster.

"This is supposed to be the honeymoon phase of our marriage, we are supposed to be celebrating the pregnancy and preparing to have another set of twins. We are supposed to be happy, not crying over our dead babies. " I say and tears fall with no stop he is also sniffing like he is crying. "I am sorry I failed you and I failed our kids I couldn't protect you and them, its my duty to protect you and I failed." He says and his voice breaks. "There is nothing we could have done, they wanted them so they took them its not our fault." I say to comfort him I wish I could believe what I am saying. We both lost the babies, and in as much as I was carrying these little ones that I loved unconditionally, we both were expecting to see them and hold them and name them. We hoped the prophesies were not true, we hoped that God would give us an exception, we hoped for the better not this.