IMPUMELELO

Chapter 29

Saneles' POV

This is the third night Fisokuhle is not sleeping he has been struggling to sleep and him being unable to sleep means I also have a hard time sleeping. I have had enough of this, I have my own problems they called me back at work today only to hand me a termination letter. They didn't even give me a chance to explain myself and its not like I am the one that beat doctor Nkosi. Doctor Nkosi was also harassing me but they didn't want to hear none of that. I don't get why they would just fire me for that, they just said they will pay me for 3 months then I have to look for another job. I wish I had reported him before all this, but I knew that would be useless anyway because they would fire me anyway.

"Fisokuhle what's bothering you? I am tired of watching you suffer like this for 3 months what's eating you up?" I ask. He looks at the ceiling. "I have done something horrible, I don't think you will forgive me for this." He says. "What is the worst you can do cheat on me?" I say jokingly and he does not respond. "Fisokuhle Sangweni did you?" I ask. He is quiet. "I am talking to you." I snap. He sits up and looks at me. "I am sorry MaZulu." He apologizes. "It was a mistake I regret it everyday. " He says. I am in a state of shock. "She is pregnant." He says. Okay this is too much f*ck why would he do this? "Is it Thabile?" I ask. The reason I am asking this is because I sensed some sexual tension between them when she was here. "Yes." He answers. Okay this is a lot for me. I cant sleep in the same bed as him.

"I cant stand you." I say and I leave the room. I am too angry to even shout or scream or even cry. I just want something that will numb this pain. I don't know what I need to do because this pain too much. I take out his whiskey and I pour into the glass till its full. Sh*t this is too hot. I sip a few times and nope wine will do this is too hot for me. Its 4 am and I want to drive far from here I want to be far from him he disgusts me. I don't know what to do with myself. I get in the car and I drive, without knowing where I am going. I drive and I stop on the side of the road and tears start falling. I cry uncontrollably.

After crying for 2 hours I finally stop and I feel better. I have to go and prepare my boys for school. I drive back home and it's still a bit dark outside, its almost winter and the air is now a bit cold. I get in the house and he is sitting in the living room drinking the whiskey I left. He stares at me as I walk in. He doesn't say anything. I also don't say a thing. I head straight for the shower. The tears start rolling out again, I cry till my throat hurts. I know this feeling all to well where I am questioning my self. What did I do that led to him doing this to me. He made her pregnant on top of everything.

I am done crying over a man, well I am lying I am done crying for now. I wake up the twins and I bathe them and I give them cereal I don't have the energy to make breakfast. Fisokuhle is passed out drunk on the couch. "Mama why is baba sleeping on the couch?" Siko asks. "He is tired he was working all night so he is too tired lets not bother him." I say and they seem to understand. I drive them to school and on the way I couldn't help but wonder what is it that she has that I don't have. Why would he betray his family? Am I willing to forgive him? Will I able to get past this? I drop the twins off at school and I drive back home.

He is no longer sleeping on the couch I think he is in our bedroom. I walk in the room and I hear the water running, I wait for him by making the bed and organizing the room putting everything in place. When I am stressed my anxiety shoots up and I notice everything that is out of place. Everything makes me cringe right now and I obsess over the little things. Like right now the color of the curtain is bothering me, the fact that Fisokuhle didn't close the closet door is bothering me. I close it, f*ck even the sound of the clock ticking is bothering me. The way the chairs are sitting are getting to me. Okay I need to breath. I am sweating it feels hot right now.

Okay I need to do something about this chairs. I fix the chairs to my satisfaction. I am struggling to breath and the damn clock is annoying. I take it and I throw it across the room which leads to breaking the window. I might as well take whole window out alongside the curtain. Fisokuhle comes out and is shocked by what he is seeing. "What are you doing?" He asks concerned, and my only mission now is to take off this curtain, I try to drag it and its not moving. "Stop!" He shouts. I ignore him because my only mission right now is remove the curtain and finally it tears. I throw it out the window. "MaZulu what's going?" He asks he looks terrified. That's when it hit me I am having a mental break down I haven't had this in a long time. I am now having difficulty breathing.

I feel tears fall freely, I am crying loudly now he hugs me and I cry in his arms. "Please give me my phone. " I say and he hands it to me. "Sihle its happening again." I say when he answers. He doesn't ask me much because He already knows what's happening. When I was in Uni after my break up with Tumi I had a tough time coping because my life sort of revolved around him, I was angry at myself, I was angry at the world and I kept it inside me for a long time then one day I exploded when that happens I obsess over the smallest things, I end up breaking things all in the name of fixing it. Lets just say I had broken everything I had in my room and I used the glasses the stab myself continuously and my roommate called campus security and I had to be sedated so I can calm down. Simesihle and I were in the same Uni so people who knew him called him to tell him I had gone crazy.

I feel the same way I felt when I that happened. I am obsessing over the smallest things and if Fisokuhle does not pay attention I might as well burn the whole house down and I usually feel like I have lost control when that happens. I do stupid things when I am angry, like when I almost killed Luhluthando. I need someone who understands what I am going through right now, and Fisokuhle is not the person I want around me when such happens. F*ck okay, these chairs are getting to me they need to go. Calm down calm down nothing is wrong with the chairs its all in your brain. "Give me sleeping pills I need to sleep before I lose my mind." I say and he doesn't move. "Now." I snap. He looks at me and I am scaring him. He comes back and hands me the pills with some water. Drink them I went to the bed and I cry till I feel sleepy.

***

I am in a different room now and it looks darker outside. I am in one of the guest rooms, I look out through the window and it looks like its about to rain heavily, the air is cold yet so refreshing. I walk to the master bedroom and Fisokuhle has replaced the window I broke in the morning. I hear voices from the kitchen when I walk in I see Simesihle talking to Fisokuhle and the twins are here sitting opposite Sihle they are still dressed in uniform whatever they are talking about must be interesting. I wonder what time is it anyway? I walk in and they keep quiet Sihle runs to hug me. "Are you okay?" He asks looking concerned. My right hand is bandaged I must have hurt myself from trying to throw out the curtain. "I am not alright, but we will talk about this when the kids are not around." I whisper to him. I greet my babies. "Fisokuhle can I talk to you." I say.

He follows me to our bedroom and I sit on the bed he does the same. "I think its best you take the kids to Misokuhles' house or my parents place." I say and he looks at me. "What about school?" He asks sh*t I forgot about that. "I forgot about that, you know what I will leave. I will leave with Sihle its fine. I just don't want to see you at the moment I want to be far from you because you disgust me, you make me angry, just seeing you makes me sick." I say. He doesn't say anything he is mute right now.

I stand from the bed and I pack my bags. I leave him seated on the edge of the bed. The twins look at me excited. "Mama where are we going?" Siko asks. "Mommy is taking a break, I am not feeling well I will be back when I feel better. You two have school so I cant go with you." I say. They look disappointed but I hand them their favorite snacks they become excited. Sihle helps me with the bags and we walk out and the rain has started. I just need a break to nurse my mental health which is on the edge right now to protect my kids and myself from myself.