IMPUMELELO

Chapter 34

I have been in therapy for the past 6 months and things are starting to look up. The first three months was hard. I thought I wasn't getting any better things went from bad to worse because I had to face things I wasn't ready to face, I had to confront my demons and let everything else that makes me hold onto the pain and I had to look back to my childhood, look back to my teen years and talk about things I have held onto and that was painful because I had to relieve that pain and I hated the process. I had to go back and talk about insecurities, things that scare me, things that make me hold onto the pain and even talk about why I feel suicidal most of the times, I had to talk about why I feel like the world has wronged me and I had to take accountability for some of things that happened to me and that was hard because I always saw myself as a victim in most situations and therapy has helped me to learn to be accountable for some of the things happening in my life.

Today is my last session and I have seen some improvements in my life and I am ready to face my problems head on and start living normally again, but I will miss these sessions in as much as I hated coming here some days, I left feeling lighter each time. Dr Mawila my therapist is amazing at her job, it wasn't hard talking to her and maybe if we met at a different life we would be friends. "Sanele do you think you are ready to face your husband again?" She questions. Thing is I left Fisokuhle 5 months back, because I was still processing everything and him being close to me made me angrier so going to live with Sihle was a great decision for me, because I started seeing progress.

"I am." I reply. She writes something down. I used to get upset when I would talk and she scribbles something down, but now it doesn't bother me anymore, a lot of things don't bother me that much anymore. Yeah sure Fisokuhle hurt me and broke my trust but Fisokuhle has been good to me, he tolerated a lot of things I did, he has forgiven me for a lot of things, he has been patient with me through whatever was happening at the time and most of the times in our relationship he has been always focused on me, and in the relationship I was always focused on myself and I have been quite selfish when he was going through somethings in his life I didn't ask him how he felt about how things were going.

He has always been prioritizing me, even when he found out that his mom wasn't his mom he prioritized me, I always assumed sex makes things better but I never got to know how he truly felt. The loss of our babies I made it about me and I forgot how he is affected by all that, I tried to commit suicide he still was listening to me and he helped me through that, I never bothered to know how that made him feel. He defended me when his father was insulting me which added strain to their relationship and he still was there caring for me and how I felt about what was happening.

I never bothered to know he was doing. We have been through a lot together but this relationship has always been about me. He had a terrible childhood, he lost his fiancé and child before I came into the picture I never bothered to know how he was doing especially on special days such as birthdays and the day his fiancé died, I need to do better as a wife.

That doesn't give him the right to cheat but I think we should try again so we can work on those things because I know Fisokuhle loves me and his love is unconditional, he is everything I ever wanted in a man and I think I can give him another chance. He has made one mistake and he regrets his actions, so he deserves a second chance. "So you are okay with the baby in the mix? " She asks. "I don't know if I am okay but the child is innocent and she is going to be here regardless whether I am okay with her being there, or not my twins will grow to be in her life because they are siblings either way. " I say. She nods and she smiles.

"I am so proud of you, if things get complicated and you need support my door is open. Remember to breathe when things get overwhelming, exercise and meditate, sing, write, pray, whatever helps you to release your feelings. Talk about it and let things go, then you are good to go." She says. Her name is Horisani and I searched the meaning of her name its perfect for her. Her name means heal, some people are born for certain things, like her I think its her calling to be a healer. Her parents saw what type of person she would be I guess. "Thank you so much, Horisani." I say and I take my bag and leave. I am in a much better place in my life at the moment.

I am going to my parents house today because I have called a family meeting, Lwandle has finally agreed to meet the family. Lwandle went and confronted his parents about him having a twin that's when his mother confessed that our mom gave her Lwandle. She said our mom complained that she can't take care of the both of us when she found out she was carrying twins and she in fact wanted to get rid of us. Mom was already depressed at the time and Lwandles 'mom' was a nurse at the hospital and she was struggling to conceive, so she gladly took Lwandle from my mom, and my mom chose me as I was the only girl of all her kids. She never informed my dad or anyone that she was carrying twins so no one knows that I have a twin.

In the past 6months I also learnt that my dad was abusive, he was an alcoholic, and he had numerous affairs all this led to my moms' depression and when she was pregnant with us she struggled to cope and when she had us she couldn't take it anymore so she took her life. I didn't know all that because my family was 'protecting me'. So after the death of mother my dad decided to clean up his act and be this person I know now. I wont lie that took me a 100 steps back knowing that my dad was the reason my mom killed herself. I found out about this when I told my family that I am going therapy because I was suicidal, that's when they thought it would be a great idea to let me know that my mom was depressed and she took her own life. I knew she took her life but I only knew because I overheard mom and dad talking about it.

I get to Sihles' house and he is ready to go. "Finally you are here. I am anxious to know what you want to say, so you are not going to say anything to me as your favorite brother?" He asks. "My favorite brother is Sandile." I say. He laughs. "Don't lie we all know that you and Sandile is too loud for you." He says still laughing. "Mxm Sandile is the only brave brother so he is my favorite brother." I say laughing. "Mxm I can be brave also." He says flexing his muscles as if muscles describe bravery. I take the bags I had packed already before leaving to see my therapist.

***

We are in the house and mom prepared some delicious dinner. I am just waiting for Lwandle to show up he should be here any minute now. "why are we here are you leaving Fisokuhle?" Sandile asks. "There is no way she is leaving that Sangweni he would die." Sthembiso answers and he and Sandile laugh. They are the only ones laughing here, they are foolish these ones but let me humor them because my twin isn't arriving. "Why would he die?" I ask. "I am just saying, the man loves you. The way he bothered dad so he can allow both of you to get married. I was annoyed on his behalf." He says. I smile because I know I hit the lottery when I agreed to be Fisokuhles' wife.

Someone knocks at the door. I get to the door and I see my twin. I welcome him he looks around, and hugs me. I walk with him to where everyone is sitting and when we enter the room and all eyes turn to us. They all keep quiet and my dad looks at Lwandle from head to toe. He seems confused and Lwandle is looking at my brothers taking everyone in I guess. He sits next to me. There is awkward silence in the house and the tension is so thick. "Dad this is Lwandle Ngwenya." I introduce and end the silence I introduce all my brothers. They are waiting to hear why the hell I am introducing someone that looks like them. "Mageba this will shock you, but this is your son, my twin brother." I say. Everyone is confused they are waiting for us to explain. I give Lwandle a chance. He starts explaining who he is where he is from, he then explains the story he got from his mother about how he ended up in their hands and my dad exclaims. He is overwhelmed by everything.

"Nompilo hid this from me, she robbed me of an opportunity to one of my children look how grown you are now." He says he is angry. "Calm down baba. She is not hear to answer for herself, just welcome your son. " Mom says trying to calm him down. "How sure are you that he is your twin?" He asks. "We did tests before coming here." I say and he keeps quiet he is taking everything in, my brothers have been quiet I guess they are also processing everything.