Red Vs Blue, & there's Magenta: Season Two

Chapter 11 I Dream of Meanie

Church: Get out of my body right now Tex!

Tex: Your body? This isn't your body. I stole it.

Church: Yeah, but I stole it first!

Sheila: I am confused, I thought your name was Lopez. And I thought your were a man. This is all so strange. I feel like my circuits are crossed. And I like it!

Caboose: *deep voice* I know how to get her out of there. Wink.

He raised his pistol.

Church: Caboose, don't! Look, just go explain to Sheila, okay?

Caboose turned to the tank and immediately did so.

Church: Alright Tex, now what's it gonna take to get you out of there?

Tex: Well, ever since I've been a 'ghost', I've been keeping an eye on you guys every now and then.

Tucker: Woah, when you say you've been keeping an eye on us. . . when exactly?

Tucker turned and looked at a rock with the words "Keep out, Tucker's Rock" spray painted onto it.

Tex: *sighs* I left Ruby for the first time and that's what I ended up seeing. You should be VERY ashamed of yourself Tucker.

Tucker: It's very lonely out here.

Tex: Anyways, I've noticed a chang in one of your guys. Caboose.

Church: A change? Like what? He's finally learned the whole alphabet?

Tex: You haven't noticed that he's been increasingly aggressive lately?

Tucker: I have! Started about the same time Sheila got disabled and you got blown up. I tried to tell Church, but he never listens.

Church: Tucker, there's a very fine line between not listening and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life.

*A Few Moments Later*

Tex: I had just finished repairing the tank when I overheard Church's plan to warn the Reds about me. From what I could tell, the A.I. calculated the odds of survival and didn't like the results. Once Caboose turned on his Radio to call Church, it took it's chance.

Tucker: And that was then he said his name was O'Malley. So the A.I. that was in you infected Caboose?

Church: Right, everyone's armor has one slot for A.I. and Caboose's would've been vacant.

Tucker: I think there are a few of his non-artificial slots that are empty too.

Tex: And before I could figure out what happened, that pink idiot hit me with a really lucky shot! And the next thing I know, I'm a 'ghost'.

Church: Alright, I get it. Caboose has your precious little A.I. So let me guess, you're holding my body hostage until I help you get your A.I. back, right?

Tex: Wrong. . . You're gonna help me kill it.

*With the Reds*

All of the Reds were gathered on the roof.

Sarge: Ladies, it has come to my attention that we are in need of a new robot type person. Who here wants to volunteer?

Ruby: I swear, if any of you volunteer, I'll shoot myself.

Donut: Are we going on a trip? I love trips. Can we play I spy? And license plate games?

Grif: Shut up, Donut.

Donut: Please!

Simmons: Uh, sir.

Grid and Donut continued to banter.

Simmons: What exactly do you mean by volunteer?

Sarge: Quite obviously, we are without a robot or any other type of recruit with mechanical training it dexterity.

Ruby: I am standing right here.

Sarge: Therefore, the only solution is to turn one of you into a robot and/or freaky cyborg thing.

Grif: Wait what?!

Simmons: Have you gone crazy?! That is the dumbest thing I've ever-

Donut: Cool, I vote for Simmons.

Ruby: No! No, no, no! You do note vote for Simmons!

Sarge: I'm told the cyborg operation is a relatively simple procedure, really. Where the mostly useless guts and slimy goo of the human body are replaced with no doubt superior guts and oily goo of a robot.

Grif: I'm confused.

Sarge: If you're lucky, you may even get a copper rectum.

That out a bad image in Ruby's head that nearly made her barf.

Simmons: Sir, wouldn't it be better if we didn't do that that instead of doing it?

Sarge: Good thinking Simmons, but no. I like the removing the guts thing, so I think we'll stick with that.

Grif: Yes sir, I hate to agree with the kissass, but wouldn't it be better if we got command to send us another perfectly good, brand new, robot instead?

Sarge: Negative meet-sack! Another new robot could be reprogrammed by our enemies just as easily as Lopez. We need someone we know we can trust.

Grif and Donut looked at their maroon ally.

Simmons: Aw fuck me.

Sarge: Or someone who's mental capacity is so unbelievably tiny that he could never be turned against us.

This time, Grif and Simmons looked at their pink ally.

Donut: Hey, pink suit, guys! I think it's somebody else's turn in the barrel!

Sarge: Then again, maybe we just stick with the trustworthy thing.

Ruby: You guys are freaking idiots. . . .