Little Infinities

My Dreams, My Eternity.

 You know that place, right before you wake up from a really good dream; where you’re not sure of the difference between reality and dream land? I go to sleep every day, thinking about that place and questioning it. I wonder what if someone was just stuck in that place between dream and reality and if they loved it or not. I wonder what would happen if I were to be stuck in that place between sleep and reality someday.

My dreams consist of crazy things, realistic things. I don’t dream about a prince charming coming to take me away to some magical land, and I don’t dream of things eating my face off. No, I dream about falling. I dream about losing my mind on a deserted island; I dream about planning my own death.

Many would say that I’m losing my mind over the last one, but no I’m actually not. I have had that one reoccurring dream that I’ve planned my own death, and yes it did become a success within that dream.  Though, I never did figure out why that dream comes at the most random of times, I did figure out when I started to have them.

They began when my best friend broke his promises.

Yes, I have abandonment issues. What should it matter to you? You wouldn’t care about me either if you knew me.  I do think that I go a bit overboard with it sometimes, but it’s because I don’t like to be lonely. No one does; it’s human nature to want to have to have a relationship with others. Everyone whom I have grown to know has been either taken from me, or left me willingly. I’ve become used to it happening so much that I push people away before they can really get to my core being.

One thing you should know about me, though, is that I take promises very seriously. If you break a promise, you lose my trust. So many can tell you it’s true. One of them would be my best friend.

He was 4 years older than me, putting him at 19 when he broke his promises. Yes I know, it sounds stupid having a best friend with such a large age gap but if you knew him you wouldn’t say that. He acts 5, apart from the drinking part. His eyes were a deep green and his hair was blonde stained with pieces of brown, features unusual to this part of our world. He was also pale, again unusual for this part of the world where the sun is beating on our backs; I was taller than him.

His sense of style wasn’t the best either; I was usually the one over at his house picking out clothes for him to wear, and I loved every second of it. We were as close as two people with such an age gap could be.

Then came the part that I had always hated myself for, I liked him. Not as just a friend, but as more. He was always there for me when my first boyfriend left me, and I loved the way we were around each other, we could be ourselves, and just be comfortable. He knew my secrets, and I knew his. I made him promise not to leave me, not to stop talking to me, and he did. He promised.

Then, I liked him even more, and he started liking me as well.

“I think I like you.” I told him at about 1:52a.m.

“I think I like you too” He told me at about 1:54a.m.

“Do you understand the power of which I like you?” I asked him on that same night.

“Would you do me the honor of being mine?” He asked as soon as I sent the last message.

“Yes, <3” I typed.

I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I wasn’t ready for another relationship; I had just gotten out of one. I was young, and stupid, and a bit lonely, but I felt like it was right.

I did everything with him after that. We skyped all the time because he was afraid to come to my house and meet my parents, I didn’t mind. I loved spending time with him, in real life and on Skype. Now that I think about it, the only time he would come over was when I was home alone. We never did anything, mind you. We would just talk and watch movies, and kiss when he would want to.