Little Infinities

A Letter to God, From a Girl who's just trying to get by.

Dear God,

What.

The.

Fuck.

Why did you decide to make me like this? I learn so much slower than everyone around me.
I'm the only one still going to school when all my friends have graduated and are going off to college or whatever.
I'm so confused on whether or not the thing I want to do is actually the thing I want to do,
And if the thing I want to do will actually pay me well enough to have a family.

And family is another thing. My parents are always fighting. My mother is almost always annoyed with us, and my father is never at home.
My sister and brother don't get me and the things that I do. I barely have friends of my own.

And on top of that, I have this crippling fear of being so imperfect that no one loves me. My mind goes on dying at least 3 times a day, and at least one of those times is how I could do it myself. Pair that with the want to stay in bed and sleep all day even though you know you have to get up. And then getting anxious because you have to get up, and you've got me in a nutshell

So I'd just like to ask, why?
Why did you make me that I want to hurt myself.
Why did you make it that my family is so different from me that its hard for them to understand the way I feel?
Why did you make it so that I feel anxious at the most inopportune times?

Why did you make it that I have to act as if everything is fine just to make sure that no one really worries about me?

Just why?

How come I'm the only one who can't apply to colleges because my grades are so shit? How come I can't focus in class if it's longer than 30 minutes?

How come my friends still think I'm fine when I'm clearly burning?

How come my parents refuse to see that I am burning?

Please. I need answers.
I just want to be normal. To feel normal.

Sincerely,
A girl just trying to get by,
Cheyenne.