Little Infinities

Diary Entry #6

Confession: Exam week is a load of bullshit.

My first exam was Yesterday, Wednesday.
It was Calculus. I studied and practiced that math so hard. We had a long weekend right before this week.

All weekend long I was practicing Derivatives and Antiderivatives, Related rates and curve sketching. I felt so ready for this exam.

I gave my mind a rest on Tuesday. I had no exams, so I did a bit of studying but I mostly just watched YouTube.

And then came the exam day.

I had to go to school early, because I don't drive -my brother does- and I didn't want to walk to school right before my exam. I was at school from 8. Not worrying much about my exam, because it's at 2 pm.

When the clock in the library struck 11:00, panic struck me. The room was spinning, and I felt so sick. Nerves had no place yesterday, because I knew what I studied was correct.

But Anxiety picks the worst times to strike.

I tried to calm myself down without alarming any of my friends. I put my head on the desk, I even pinched myself a few times. Eventually the room stopped spinning, but the sick feeling was still there and all I could think was

Don't throw up don't throw up don't throw-

I threw up at 1 pm.

In the time between 11am and 1pm, I was still panicking, but I was calm enough to have a conversation with my friends. But I couldn't focus. Everything -Even sound!- was coming in and out of focus.

After 1pm, the focusing thing was still an issue, and the nerves in my stomach hadn't left even though I was trying every trick in the book to get them to go away.

The 2pm came and I was sat in my exam room telling myself
You'll be fine, you got this. You know what to do.

And as soon as the paper was given to me, my mind blanked.

I forgot how to do every single thing that I practiced.

At that time was when full blown panic came, and I just started to cry in my exam. My head was on my desk, my calculator in one hand, my pencil in the other and Tears messing up my exam paper.

My teacher checked on me, I was given water and told to calm down. I was even asked if I needed to leave the exam room for a little.

I told them no, of course.

Because here in Belize, if you can't take care of yourself, you are a failure. You've set up yourself for an unsuccessful life. So I said No thank you sir, but thank you for the concern.

And I wiped my eyes, and got to work.(well tried to. I could barely focus) Even though I knew probably 2 things on that entire 10 question exam. I attempted all questions and was out of there in 2 and a half hours.

I probably still failed.

I had one today that went really well,
And I have 2 tomorrow that should be a walk in the park.

Fingers crossed.

Deuces ✌🏾 ,
Chey 🐻