Diary Entry #11

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Confession: I've been taking a lot more showers to ward off thoughts.

I just might be the most cleanly person in my house at the moment. I don't know why it helps, taking a shower, but it does.

And I'm grateful for that.

When I want to tell someone of what I'm thinking, I take a shower.

When I want to take all the pills in our medicine cabinet, I take a shower.

When I'm working with knives, and think how easy it would be to just pierce my skin, I take a shower.

When I want to tell someone, I take a shower.

And it's funny. Cause I want to tell someone. I know I should tell someone. I know I should tell someone, but I don't.

Because the someone I should tell would be my parents. And that would mean medical bills. Which means money. Which means, I would be costing my parents money for me to get better of something that's all in my head

And I just can't do that to them.

We're supposed to be saving for college. I'm supposed to be doing well in school. We need that money that would've been spent on me, for my brother and sister to go to college in January. For food, and clothes. For my stinking school fees at a school I don't even want to be at, but have to.

We need that money that would be spent on me going to a doctor to "get better" from thoughts that are in my head, to do things that would benefit my family.

So yeah. When I want to tell someone, I take a shower.
Because I know that if I tell someone, everything goes downhill for everyone else in my family.

So for now, I'll make sure I keep far away from the medicine cabinet. I'll make sure I keep away from the knives. I'll keep taking showers.

Deuces✌🏾,
Chey🐻

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