another love | spencer reid x reader

eight.

recap
you, garcia, jj and prentiss had a girls' night, where they seemed very sure that reid has a crush on you. you find this amusing, as they don't know about the conversation you had on new year's.

also, in case you forgot, 2x19 is the case for what happened to y/n's family.

-

This day was never easy. You woke up and an instant wave of guilt hit you. You laid in bed for a few minutes, preparing yourself for the day to come. A shower would improve your mood, right?

Ten minutes later, you found out you were wrong. You were drying your hair, with a towel wrapped around your body, and looked at yourself in the bathroom mirror. Physically, you were the exact same as you had been for quite a few years, but emotionally, today was different. You knew it would be, but of course there was nothing you could do to stop it.

Not that you hadn't tried. The first few times the calendar reached the 21st of March on whatever year, you'd done whatever you could to forget about it. You even recalled not sleeping for several nights before so you could try and sleep through it, but it didn't work.

The anniversary of your family's murder had never, and would never, be easy.

It was going to be different, however. You'd never opened up to your previous co-workers about what happened to you, as it hadn't come up. But obviously, the BAU knew what had happened to your family. You didn't know if they would remember that was 8 years ago today, and a part of you hoped they wouldn't. That, however, was very unlikely. Even if the rest of the team didn't realise, Reid would know. And you didn't know if you were ready to have this conversation with him yet.

It had now been two and a half months since New Year's, but you had all been so busy. When you and Reid weren't working, you were helping your roommate with her studies and he was still trying to work out what to do about his mother. You'd hoped he was going to do something for Valentine's Day, but all you knew was that his mother was especially ill that day, and he had to fly out and see her. That then meant that you and Reid had still not talked since your near-kiss. You could work together fine, and those little moments you had together at work where it was just you and him made the past few months of longing and waiting all worth it. You had your own little world, yet you were worried that today would ruin it.

It wasn't that you were always a lot more difficult on the anniversary, which would be expected. If anything, you were more considerate. It always reminded you to be grateful for what you had, but it made you miserable. You got dressed and left the house for work, where you'd told Reid that you wouldn't be going in with him today.

You were relieved to find out it was a paperwork day, however. You didn't think you could deal with having to help a grieving family, while you were grieving yours. 

Hotch had, of course, offered you the day off, but you didn't take it. You knew that you'd end up wasting it slumped on the couch, staring into nothingness all day while you were thinking about what you could've done differently on that fateful day to save them. Ultimately, to save yourself.

You were never the same since then. It was completely understandable, though. You blamed yourself, you had done and you thought you always would do. You very much doubted anyone would be able to change your mind on that.

You were the one who discovered the bodies. You were the one who didn't get home fast enough.

You were the one who should've been home too.

You should've died that day, too.

Your thoughts were interrupted by none other than Penelope Garcia, who gave you a warm hug as the elevator doors opened. She'd been waiting for you. She'd remembered, and that meant the whole team did too. You weren't sure if you were okay with that or not.