another love | spencer reid x reader

fifteen.

recap
you and morgan gave speeches at spencer's funeral.

-

You didn't speak to anyone for the rest of the day. You'd decided to take everyone to the park, which now in your mind could only be associated with Spencer, and just walk around it with them. The team told their favourite stories of Spencer, while you walked with them in silence.

Hotch talked about how he'd failed his gun qualification one time, but then ended up shooting an unsub in the head when he was being held hostage.

JJ talked about his relationship with her sons, and how he was almost a second father to them. It made you miserable how he would never have the chance to be a father himself.

Morgan brought up his lack of ability for eating food with chopsticks, and how he would always ask for a fork whenever he went out.

But Garcia stole the show. She shared all of her favourite memories of her boy wonder, and by the end of it you were all in tears.

They all turned to you, and asked if you were coping.

And you weren't, truthfully. They knew that. It had only been a week, and you hadn't even begun to fully go through what happened that night. Hotch had been able to postpone the investigation into Spencer's death until you were more able, but you didn't know how far away that was. You didn't even want to think about it. You found it disrespectful, if anything, how quickly the brass wanted to get this sorted out and move on. Spencer deserved better than that.

-

You decided to stay off for a month, while you sorted out Spencer's things. You'd met his mother, and she said how grateful she was that her son spent his last moments with 'the love of his life'. You didn't know this, but Spencer had mentioned you at least twice in every single letter he'd written her ever since you joined the BAU. You couldn't wait to read them all, if she would let you.

Morgan came over to help a lot. There were times when the two of you would sit on Spencer's couch and just stare at the walls, not saying a word. You knew you were there for each other if need be.

And then, there were times when you were on your own in Spencer's apartment. And that was okay, you quite liked it. For the first few weeks, you found yourself talking to him as if he was still there, but this was a habit you quickly stopped.

You would find yourself standing in the doorway of his bedroom, reminiscing on your best memories there. You remembered how sometimes he'd kiss you so forcefully, as if he was drowning and you were his oxygen. Other times, however, were more soft and gentle, as if any touch of his could break you. You found it ironic that it was his complete absence that broke you instead.

-

The brass had commemorated Spencer, you noticed, by naming the libraries after him. He'd never liked the libraries, as they were too professional and distant from the books they held, in his opinion. You found this very amusing, as he would have hated it, but you didn't want to tell them that. It was a good gesture, and you decided this could be just another secret that the two of you had.

You were the one who chose and hung up his picture alongside all the other late FBI agents' pictures in the corridor. You chose the most recent one. He looked so confident, so proud of himself and the work he did everyday, and you decided this was what represented him the most. His hair looked great, too.

-

You were having doubts about your career in the FBI ever since you started going to work again. The team was broken, and you were all going to mandatory counselling. You weren't flying either, any work you did was consulted over the phone, and it was usually Hotch or Rossi. None of you had the motivation to do anything anymore.

Garcia would come over almost every night and help you fall asleep. You rarely slept, and on the nights you did, you would have nightmares. Nightmares where Spencer was in a lot more pain, nightmares where he was bleeding out and in constant pain but not dying, nightmares where you were the one who was shot and Spencer had to comfort you, nightmares where neither of you ever made it out of there. Garcia would cradle you as you fell asleep in her arms, but you were there for her too. She would try her absolute best to not make a sound, but you could always hear her crying too.

-

It was now a year since Spencer's death, and yet another day of the year you would quickly learn to dread. You didn't come into work that day. You couldn't deal with it. You couldn't deal with passing the other agents in the corridors. Their quick apologies meant nothing to you, they couldn't bring him back. The looks they would give you, you could usually deal with, but not today.

Because part of you blamed yourself. You knew deep down that there was nothing you could've done, you both decided to enter Holt's house together, you couldn't have saved him. But no amount of counselling or therapy would ever convince you of that fully. You would always blame yourself for Spencer's death, and you didn't think you would ever be able to overcome that.

They'd never replaced his spot on the team. You'd cleaned out his desk after three months, but no one ever took his place. If anyone was to ever join the team, they wouldn't have that desk, that's for sure, regardless of how empty it was. That was Spencer's desk. You and Morgan made sure of that.

-

It was now two years since you joined the BAU, and you were beginning to look forward to work again. The arrival of SSA Luke Alvez and Dr Tara Lewis had definitely helped over the past few months, as you were able to focus on things other than the empty desk across the bullpen.

You found it interesting the only way you were okay with being at work again was when you were wearing the necklace Spencer got you. You couldn't wear it all the time, of course, but you tried your best. It was quickly becoming the only way he was still physically with you, and you wanted to hold on to it for as long as possible.

You were adamant that you weren't moving on from him, as you didn't think you ever could, but you were beginning to learn how to live without him again. That's what he would've wanted, you had to remind yourself. Spencer would've wanted you to be happy.

He loved you, and you would always love him.

-

an
idk how to signify this is the last chapter other than say it here so... this is the last chapter. tysm for reading, i appreciate it sm! <3