Make Them Burn

Talking to Lilyanna

CHAPTER 17: TALKING TO LILYANNA

At ten minutes to midnight, I'm shaken awake by my daughter. "Mom, you're needed in the hospital. Something's happening with Peeta."

I jolt upright and throw on my pants. Then I give Lilyanna a kiss on the cheek, and race towards the hospital. It's five minutes until midnight when I throw open the door. An array of doctors in white coats are assembled, each has a pen whittling away on the paper, analyzing Peeta's behavior. Haymitch, Everdeen, Plutarch, and Fulvia are gathered as well.

They explain to me that Everdeen is going in to talk to Peeta. He said he wanted to see her. Once everything is explained to me, Haymitch gives Everdeen the okay to go in.

For a moment, they just stare at each other. Everdeen is looking at Peeta's condition, and Peeta tries to decide if she is a mutt. Finally, she walks over towards him until she's standing about a yard from the bed. "Hey."

"Hey." He responds. It's like his voice, almost his voice, except there's something new in it. An edge of suspicion.

"Haymitch said you wanted to talk to me."

"Look at you, for starters." There's more awkward silence, until Peeta says, "You're not very big, are you? Or particularly pretty?"

Everdeen looks offended. "Well, you've looked better."

IDIOT! He's been tortured and hijacked!

To room is filled with Peeta's laughter. "And not even remotely nice. To say that to me after all I've been through."

"Yeah. We've all been through a lot. And you're the one who was known for being nice. Not me." What. A. Jerk. "Look, I don't feel so well. Maybe I'll drop by tomorrow."

She gets to the door when he speaks up again. "Katniss. I remember about the bread."

The bread. Our one moment of real connection before the Hunger Games.

"They showed you the tape of me talking about it." She says.

"No. Is there a tape of you talking about it? Why didn't the Capitol use it against me?" He asks, confused.

"I made it the day you were rescued." Everdeen replies. "So what do you remember?"

"You. In the rain." He says softly. "Digging in our trash bins. Burning the bread. My mother hitting me. Taking the bread out for the pig but then giving it to you instead."

"That's it. That's what happened." She says quietly. "The next day, after school, I wanted to thank you. But I didn't know how."

"We were outside at the end of the day. I tried to catch your eye. You looked away. And then...for some reason, I think you picked a dandelion." He pauses, as if carefully choosing his next words. "I must have loved you a lot."

"You did." Everdeen coughs to hide her cracking voice.

"And did you love me?" He asks.

She manages to keep her eyes on the floor. "Everyone says I did. Everyone says that's why Snow had you tortured. To break me."

"That's not an answer." He tells me. "I don't know what to think when they show me some of the tapes. In that first arena, it looked like you tried to kill me with those tracker jackers."

"I was trying to kill all of you." She replies defensively. "You had me treed."

"Later, there's a lot of kissing. Didn't seem very genuine on your part. Did you like kissing me?" He asks.

He's asking the wrong questions to the wrong person.

"Sometimes." Everdeen admits. "You know people are watching us now?"

"I know. What about Gale?" Peeta continues.

Oh, god, she looks angry again. Haymitch and I exchange a glance. This is going downhill, and fast.

"He's not a bad kisser either." She says shortly.

"And it was okay with both of us? You kissing the other?" He asks.

"No. It wasn't okay with either of you. But I wasn't asking your permission." Everdeen tells him.

Peeta laughs again. "Well, you're a piece of work, aren't you?"

No one says anything when she storms out, huffing and puffing in anger. Peeta lies back down on his bed, staring off into space distantly.

***

When I come back to the Compartment, Lilyanna is there waiting. She's still awake, fiddling with my ball of yarn that I finished.

She tells me Chase is fast asleep, and has been since he came back from his hospital checkup.

I collapse on the bed and begin to cry.

Lilyanna isn't fazed, not in the slightest. She pulls me into her bed and pats my back while I sob.

When I've gained a measure of control over myself, I tell her what happened. She sympathizes with Peeta, gets angry with Everdeen, and comforts me. My daughter is only 13, and she is comforting her 25 year old mother. I should be stronger than this.

"It's okay, Mom." Lilyanna's saying to me. "Just let it all out."

So she doesn't mind this scenario. But I do? Do I?

I'm so unstable. Why? Chase is here, Lilyanna is here. Johanna will survive. I've reconnected with Everdeen. What can I still be mad about? The war, I guess. And Peeta. Peeta. Is Peeta's hijacking what's killing me? We weren't really all that close.

"Why am I so unstable!" I cry.

Now that I actually said it out loud, I explain it to Lilyanna.

"Mom," she says slowly, carefully choosing her words. "I think you're caught up in thinking that what happened to Peeta could have happened to Chase or me." She pauses a moment to let that sink in. "But it didn't. It's done. And Peeta will get better."

No, Peeta will not get better.

Lilyanna gives me a warm smile. "Get some rest, Mom."

I nod, and lie down next to Chase. Peeta will get better.....