13 Novella 4

Yaz

TW: mentions of self harm

You sit on the deck the next day, leaning on the same pillar as Yaz as the three Time Ladies talk techno-bable that you can't be bothered to even try to keep up with.

You catch Yaz's eye who is grinning sheepishly into the distance. You raise your eyebrows at her and she blushes, changing her train of thought, but not before you catch a revolting image of what her and The Doctor got up to late last night.

You choke as her face turns crimson and she scowls.

"Well don't go through my head then!" She says defensively as you try to clear the image.

"Jesus Yaz could you at least try and control yourself?" You say and she blushes.

"Well it's not like you're so innocent!" She replies and you stop.

"What do you mean?"

"Two girlfriends?... double the fun" she winks and it's your turn to blush.

"You know Jenny is asexual!" You say and she shrugs.

"Missy sure as hell ain't" she adds slyly and you roll your eyes skywards. "Don't tell me nothing has ever happened, you sleep in the same bed" she says and you thump her on the shoulder while she laughs.

"I mean it Yaz, I have a very effective weapon" you threaten and she laughs.

"Which I believe you would use if you weren't so embarrassed by it."

"I'm not embarrassed, it was just... unexpected" you explain and she raises her eyebrows in disbelief.

"So this-" she forces another intimate picture of her self and The Doctor, now tied up to the headboard by the looks of it "-doesn't cause you any discomfort at all?" She says as you jump to your feet, shaking your head while she howls in laughter.

"Oh my god what the hell Yaz!" You say and she laughs even harder.

"I've got nothing to hide!" She calls as you pace in disbelief.

"Clearly" you mutter and she smirks, but that's when you catch another image that stops you dead in your tracks. You keep it in your mind, watching the blood pour down Yaz's wrist even faster than her tears.

"What. The hell. Was that?" You ask and she looks suddenly fearful.

"It was nothing! Forget it! It doesn't mean anything!" She says desperately while you stare at her in silence.

"You tell me right now Yasmin Khan, what that was" you say seriously and she looks uncomfortable, getting to her feet.

"Hey what's going on?" Frowns The Doctor, having noticed your standoff.

"Excellent question. Maybe Yaz should explain... or I could?" You say softly and she glares at you, all good humour gone.

"Don't you dare" she growls and you straighten up.

"Give me one, one good reason why I shouldn't" you hiss and she pauses, scrutinising you carefully.

"Because you of all people should understand" she replies and you breathe.

"Understand?" You say quietly. "It's completely irrational! It's insane! And stupid and selfish and careless!" You exclaim as Jenny comes to your side.

"What's going on?" She asks hurriedly as The Doctor asks Yaz the same thing. You both push them away, circling dangerously.

"And who do you think gave me the idea you filthy hypocrite!" She bellows and you glare at her.

"I am a fuck up! A screw up! A mistake! I have every reason, you don't!" You exclaim and she advances as The Doctor steps between you.

"Someone tell me what's going on, right now" she says but you ignore her.

"You don't get to tell me what to do, it's my choice!" She screams and you are beyond furious. You don't even know why, she was right, you were a hypocrite. How many times had you turned to a blade rather than a friend, yet here you were, lecturing her still. You are disgusted with yourself, but that is nothing new. Now all you feel is rage.

"Fine! You want it? You want to see what happens? What is does to you? fine! Have it!" You shriek, squeezing your eyes shut and pushing image after image into her head of blades running across your wrist, your blurred vision, the worried faces of those around you, the crimson pool of blood on the white tiled floor. On and on it goes until she drops to her knees with her hands over her head, screaming in agony, but the feeling of powerful justice is back, amd you're not stopping.

"STOP IT!" She yells as The Doctor holds her.

"Missy get her to stop!" Calls The Doctor in a panic, and you feel warm hands find your temples and press down, causing a sort of shock to convulse through your entire body. You stumble into a waiting Jenny as the connection breaks, and you see Yaz curled up on the floor, sobbing quietly into The Doctor's shoulder.

"Yaz..." you say, realising what you've done.

Jenny let's go and you catch both your girlfriends' expressions. They look horrified. The Doctor is quietly calming Yaz before she lifts her and takes her away.

"I- I didn't mean it go that far" you stammer in fear before breathing on your inhaler.

"We know" says Jenny shortly. She doesn't approach. You don't blame her.

"What was that for?" Asks Missy and you turn away in shame.

"I was trying to protect her" you respond to The Tardis doors.

"By doing that?" Says Jenny in disapproval and you hang your head.

"If you had seen... if you knew" you start but your thoughts are scrambled and incoherent.

"My love, we care for you so much, but this has got to stop." Says Missy and you shake your head.

"I know, I'm so sorry" you say, determined not to cry. You aren't going to wriggle out of this one.

"It's not us you need to apologise to" says Jenny sadly, before leading the way down the corridor to the medbay. Missy gives you a long calculating look before following her. You know they are right, that you went too far, that they aren't being unreasonable, but you already feel like you've lost them.

Eventfully their respective thoughts and footsteps die away, leaving you alone in the console room, deciding what on Earth to do next.