13 Novella 4

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You are awake when The Doctor comes to check on you the next morning, laid with your eyes open, staring ahead unblinkingly.

"Good morning (Y/n)" she says politely before scrutinising your face and sighing.

"Did you sleep at all last night?" She asks quietly.

You don't bother replying.

She dips a flannel in a bowl of water and begins to clean your face gently. You don't even flinch. She can do whatever she wants.

She drops the flannel back in the bowl and sits back.

"Missy and Jenny want to talk to you" she says carefully.

You can't even imagine explaining this to them. At best they would turn away from you. At worst, they would be angry and offended, and Missy would hunt him down...

You shake your head and she looks at you with aged eyes.

"They love you very much you know" she says but you ignore her. They wouldn't be able to see past this. You blink and she rises carefully.

"Would you like me to give you something to help you sleep?" She offers, and you know she wouldn't be offering potentially addictive drugs unless she was seriously worried. Still you shake your head.

"It may not seem like it now, but things will get better (Y/n). This isn't it. Things always turn out alright in the end, if it's not right, it's not the end."

And she leaves you with that thought, spinning around your otherwise empty head.

You stay in the medbay for another week, refusing food and drinking only sips of water. Jenny and Missy visit alternately, but you ignore both of them until they leave.

Missy is the only one who tries to touch you, but you can barely feel her, and what you can feel you don't enjoy. Sensing this, she doesn't try after that.

Jenny talks softly but you don't hear her, and Yaz tries reading to you, but the stories all blur together and don't make sense.

You are most communicative with The Doctor, but that's mostly head shakes and tears. She doesn't give up, remaining determinedly hopeful but it has no effect on you whatsoever.

She tries therapy again but you don't engage which you know is dangerous. She will likely try and return you to the ward soon, but you find you don't care.
You don't even contemplate ending your life, not that that would be easy given the amount of security The Doctor has on all somewhat dangerous items.

You feel that would be letting yourself off.

You don't get to escape that easily. So instead you make yourself lie in pity, a dull shell of the person you used to be.

About day five you wouldn't even be strong enough to move, so from then on The Doctor stops pushing gentle movement.

Another week passes and you can barely see straight.

You could try to fight off the tube The Doctor attaches to your stomach, except you just don't care. She starts in small amounts, but you still vomit regularly. It sticks in your hair, reminding you of the smell constantly, but you don't take a shower. The effort involved would be astronomical.

You stop communicating completely after the first week, but no one stops visiting. You keep track of the days by The Tardis day cycle, but still you are surprised to find almost three weeks have passed and you haven't left the medbay.

Today everyone except Yaz enters quietly, which is surprising as they have so far made an effort to come one at a time so as not to overwhelm you. Still, you don't react.

They stop, and Missy and Jenny pull up chairs while The Doctor begins the usual night routine of gently cleaning your face. Of course, you don't react.

"I don't understand what's wrong with her" mutters Jenny, reaching for you hand. You don't pull away, but let her squeeze it with no reaction.

"She's like a zombie" says Missy, looking at you sadly. "She didn't even react to golden girls' touch just then" she adds.

The Doctor sighs, bending over you and shining a light in your eyes, blonde hair falling forward slightly. You want to close your eyes at the light but that seems like too much effort.

"She's in a state of mental shock" sighs The Doctor, stepping away while you stare blankly upwards.

"A depression?" Asks Jenny, gripping your hand harder.

"Sort of, a little more severe. It's more like catatonia than depression- she literally can't move. Everything seems like a huge effort." She looks at you a moment then back to the others. "Her body has shut itself down to protect her, so she has little sensation and almost no reactions."

"What do we do?" Asks Missy, Scottish voice husky.

"There's nothing we really can do. We'll just have to wait I think, and keep talking to her in the meantime so she doesn't detach completely from reality."

They lapse into silence. You blink once.

"Why won't you tell us what happened?" Whispers Jenny, stroking your hair. You almost can't feel it.

"Because it was her choice" replies The Doctor firmly.

"But someone did this to her" growls Missy. You want to react to her tone, but your body is too lethargic.

"She will talk to you when she's ready" says The Doctor gravely. You expect Missy didn't like that.

"Can either of you two feel her?" Asks Jenny suddenly and they both turn to her in surprise.

"What do you mean?" Asks The Doctor slowly.

"Well I wouldn't be able to, but sometimes she transfers her own images and feelings to others, remember? It's two way!" She rushes, sounding hopeful.

You feel both Missy and The Doctor turn to you, then place a hand each on your left arm. You feel nothing. So neither must they.

They shake their heads and withdraw, confirming simultaneously. For a second they may have believed in you.

It hurts.

"Well can you try and give an image to her?" Jenny suggests desperately, and you feel Missy's warm hand close over your wrist again.

It's quiet and distant, but you see yourself, asleep apparently and in your normal bed, looking complete serene, all worries wiped clear, Missy and Jenny propped up on pillows either side, just smiling.

A single tear rolls down your pale cheek.

"She heard you" gasps The Doctor, breaking into a smile.

"Yes, I think she did" smiles Missy sadly.

"But it wasn't enough" adds Jenny and they slip back into thoughtful silence.

You lie, feeling your Tardis family around you, and wishing more than ever that you could respond, if only for their sakes.