Apartment

Apartment // Thirteen.

"Our parents divorced, it was probably the worst thing that could had happened in our lives. It wasn't as if the man walked out on us, but they simply didn't love each other anymore, they were both empty and could no longer fill each other up. We always thought or hoped that they were soul mates, which is complete rubbish, but we were kids, we wanted to believe it. It's crazy, because I was 17 my brother was going to be 16 and there we were living in our fairy tales. 

Soon after that I became distant, I became cold, but I had the luxury of having my so called "friends." They gave me a remedy to heartbreak, drugs. My brother, what a pure soul he had, he didn't drink, nor did he smoke but like I said before in our town you were doing drugs or nothing, so he didn't have much friends. Mum started drinking because I was out of control, I was acting out, I thought dad would come back but instead she felt as if she failed me, failed us. So these drugs, they made me wallow in myself, there was this voice in my head that didn't allow me to cry, when I did want to cry, I had to do something to get my mind off of it. That's where sex came in handy, I used girls as a distraction, sounds awful but I had no other choice, so I thought. Months passed, I didn't talk to my brother anymore, we were so close before but I couldn't let him see me as the monster I had become. The monster that I am. He was so perfect, I wish he were delusional to everything though, I wish he had been naïve, but he wasn't. He knew what was going on, but I didn't.

I didn't know he was in a greater pain than I was, that he wanted someone to talk to. Someone like a friend, someone who he thought was feeling what he was feeling, someone like his brother. He just wanted his older brother. He became depressed, he never left his room. Until one day, the day I felt better, when I felt like I didn't need the drugs. I told him that we should head out and act our age, we had to get out of that house. So we went into town, we bought some snacks, drinks, we laughed, everything seemed great. This day I felt closer to my brother, more than ever, I told him I loved him out loud for the first time in so long, [too long.] We kept walking, we lost track of time, sunset approached and I thought I had a marvelous idea. I told him we should runaway, just for a day and forget the world. So we headed out to the train tracks, I swear this was the greatest idea I've ever had. I had my little brother beside me, nothing bad could happen as long as we had each other, he looked so happy. The beach sounded great, somewhere to lay our heads, to finally be at peace; I saw the smoke rising over the trees, I swore that train was coming for me. So I could make up those past months of abandonment to my little baby brother. It came rapidly [the train], I felt the wind in my hair; I looked at my brother beside me. The look on his face was uplifting, that is how I want everyone to remember him with a smile plastered on his face.
I swore that train was out for me, for us to take us so far away where we could finally be kids again and laugh. He took a deep breath and looked at me he said "I swear if you follow me I will never forgive you Matty, I swear that to you." I felt the train rumbling underneath my feet, I hadn't a second to ask him what he meant, that is when he jumped. Right before my eyes, he jumped in front of the train. "I'm sorry." Was the last he told me, before the train crushed him. I had looked into his eyes, I never seen him so determined, so at peace, he was ready to leave. He had left me."

Matty tells me as he lies on my bed staring at the white ceiling. His voice doesn't change, he doesn't weep, just a single tear rolls off his cheek. He doesn't wipe it, he wore it proudly. All I could do is lay beside him, hold his hand in silence and let him continue.

"Days went on, I didn't speak to anyone, but myself. There was constant visits by the officials reminding me he was no longer breathing. They kept asking me what happened, but I didn't know. I had no idea what they were talking about. Once school started, I smiled the whole time, I think I went insane for a couple months. If I smiled and didn't believe, it could all possibly be a dream. I smiled so people wouldn't try to fix me because I wasn't broken, I was just in a never ending nightmare. But the thing is you always wake up, you can't sleep forever and I finally realized it. I realized that I was still living, without my brother, living. He wasn't. He was dead. So I did the most rational thing I could think of at that time, which was killing myself. I overdosed on heroin, I put my poor mum through hell, my dad too, he finally came back. But it wasn't enough, it was worst. Luna I saw him, I saw my brother smiling down at me I held him in my arms. He told me I had to live on, for him, that I had to get out of our town and finally live. That that damn town was killing me, that I was killing myself, he told me he thought about bringing me down with him but he saw a future for me. Damn it Luna, he sounded so wise, but he's so wrong. I'm a nobody. A drunk. I'm not living, I'm dying slowly and painfully, I'm a goddamned mistake. It should have been me not him. I should had been there for him. Maybe if I would had gone to him sooner he wouldn't have jumped, he wouldn't had gotten depressed and he'd still be alive. I could have prevented it, it's all my--"

"No it's not." I couldn't allow him to speak anymore. "Matty listen to me, maybe you're right in some sense, no maybe to some people you're right. Maybe your brother could have made someone out of himself. Maybe some people think you should had died rather than him but--" I say grabbing his large hand between both my smaller ones "but I don't want that. Sure I didn't know your brother, but Matty you keep saying it, you keep repeating it, he's dead and that's life. You can't do anything about it. You call yourself a monster, well stop being one. You call yourself a drunk, stop being one. You call yourself a nobody then become somebody! Fulfill your brothers last wish, make it come true. You can change your life around because you're alive."

He lies there, nearly lifeless.

It had been days since Tate & Violet announced their engagement I hadn't talk to anyone because I was busy with work & working on the finishing touches for my boutique. I was enjoying coffee while I was reading Howl by Allen Ginsberg, when there was knocking at my window. I live in the 6th floor, so it was strange. I opened my curtain only to see Matty's dark eyes, frail hair & his hand holding a cigarette. He had climbed six stories from the fire escape, I quickly let him in. He said nothing but went to my bedroom I followed him and he laid there just like he is laying now. That is when he started telling me about his brother.

"I-- I feel safe here. Here on your bed." He speaks tenderly to me, turning towards me.

So I reply "then stay."

We both sit up, he leans into me, placing his hand on my cheek. He leaves a long lingering kiss on my lips, then he rests his forehead against mine. "I think he saw you in my future."

I say nothing but kiss him. Nothing else happens but this is the most intimate thing I had ever experienced with someone new in so long. As we're falling asleep he holds me close to his chest, he smells like cigarettes and something I don't quite know. It's peaceful, I feel alive. I feel loved.

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