Apartment

Apartment // Twenty-One.

I wake up on a hospital bed, those terrible fluorescent lights burning my already sensitive eyes. I hear nothing but soft breathing, not mine to which I turn to my right only to find him staring at me with that smile. That smile that made me almost look away from all the tubes leading inside him. That smile almost distracted me from the contraption connected nose providing him with oxygen. That smile almost made me not realize that I could see the pain in his eyes. I could hear him struggling to breathe normally. "You are so damn beautiful" he speaks, how dare he pay attention to me when he should be paying attention to himself. I don't say anything but walk towards him caressing his arm, my fingers tracing his tattoos until they hit the wires giving him the blood he cannot produce. My eyes begin to form tears but he dares to say "don't you cry, I'm fine, I'm more than fine." He has lied to me. But how can I blame him when I am here about to cry, when we know that no one likes seeing people they love in pain. How he is in true pain yet doesn't slip a tear.
Apparently after the phone call last night I just left my apartment without a goodbye, I couldn't tell Harry. He saw me leave and called out for me but I pretended that I didn't hear him. The funny thing is I'm right next door, the hospital next to Harry's flat. I got there and Chris was undergoing an emergency surgery. I was tired and emotionally exhausted but the doctors thought it was a good idea to let us watch the surgery to assure us that Chris was fighting to stay alive that he was stable but I fainted at the sight of his exposed heart and all the blood surrounding it. His chest wide open, almost as if he was letting anyone in. Almost as if he was screaming "come on in! Do what you please with this heart it's all in your hands." Something Matty once told me. That is how I ended up here in this room with Chris.
"Sit with me." Chris says I do holding his hand, "you love me don't you?" He asks.
I can't say a thing but I nod, I want to scream of course! Of course I love you Chris, you are my first love and I love you!
"It's unfair how that we love each other so much yet me can't be together."
"And it's all my fault."
"You can't blame yourself. Blame love if you must, you've just got so much of it to give."
"Chris... I just want you to know that I was undeniably in love with you from the moment I met you..."
"So was I."
"And I never stopped loving you even through the pain. That I didn't want to leave you and I've come to realize that I wouldn't have left if it were for me. Meaning I was angry at myself but I left because I knew it was what you needed. Because I knew you weren't that man. That is why I forgave you, I lied to all my friends by telling them that I ever hated you. I even started to believe it and that fake hatred made me cold. But I never hated you, not for a second. I loved you more than ever when I left you. I wish I would have reached out to you earlier maybe then I wouldn't be in this mess I am in and I would have had more time..."
"Luna this isn't goodbye. I'm still here don't you dare try to say goodbye right now. I'm not ready. I don't want to go. So I won't."
I smiled but then I remembered one winter morning when we were together he didn't want go to school, I remember him saying "I don't want to go," because he wanted to stay in with me. Normally I would tell him to do so but he had a final exam that day and I was not going to allow him to miss that.
So he left and I was alone in our shared apartment, where I watched movies and was trying to keep busy. So I decided to clean the house, I cleaned everything and yet he wouldn't be home for another couple hours, so I cleaned out my closet, checking my pockets for old receipts and loose change and I decided to do the same with his closet. Chris had this thing where he always gave me small gifts. Every date we had he'd give me a cute little knick knack, like a small action figure, to slappy hands and just cute little worthless things that meant the world to me. My favorite was a yo-yo with Deadpool drawn on the side.
Well this week we had a date that we had been planning because we hadn't had one in so long, because of school. However Chris was really trying to get this perfect and I assumed it was to make up for hurting me when he was drunk. So as I'm cleaning out his jackets I'm excited to see what gift he will give me this time, all I find is lose change, lint and breathe mints. As I continued cleaning I saw a new suit he had bought I grabbed it and there is when I realized I had to leave him. This was the day my heart broke and I packed my bags, the day where I took him to the crappy diner with the amazing coffee and I told him I was leaving, that my car was packed and that I would leave no trace of me behind.
So here I am with the man that I love and left before the date he would make something up to me, buy it was so much more. "You were going to ask me to marry you... Three days after I left."
He stays quiet his bushy eyebrows soften, he no longer smiles. He lets go of my hand and lays down. Chris sighs "I was... I knew you for a year and I knew that I couldn't let you get away. But you did and there is why I changed. I had a ring and everything. Well you must have known that."
This time tears do run down my face "no... You had the ring. I just saw your suit Chris and I knew then. I thought you were going to ask me with no ring but with a cute knick knack."
"You know me so well, it was actually going to be a small Deadpool action figure in a suit on his knee holding it in his small hands."
And here is where I realize that the smartest decision I had ever made was one of the dumbest that he was the one who got away.
Chris continues by saying "you may be wondering now what happened to the ring well I diamond I had it crushed and the band was made into this necklace that acts like a locket and inside is the diamond. I never take it off."
I'm not able to react because the nurse comes in and says I have to go. I walk down the corridor unaware of my surrounding I don't know how I end up in Harry's flat. But I'm knocking on the door finding a concerned Healy and Styles who haven't stopped calling and texting. They tell me to sit down and begin to ask me question which I don't answer. I can't hear anything but warning noises and I break down. Crying telling them I was with Chris and how we were to be married. Harry goes to his room angry with me that I dare go see my abusive ex and Matty is comforting me, saying that I have every right to cry because he was my first love and you never forget them and the pain you feel when they break your heart.
Right now at this moment Matty feels more like a friend that Harry has ever been and it pains me to say it.