Apartment

Apartment // Fourteen.

"I don't want to be the girl who simply takes your mind off things." I tell Matty as I laid my head on his exposed chest. I had swore to myself that I wouldn't sleep with Matty again, but this morning when we woke up, he looked so beautiful. I don't mean to be shallow, but he is so good looking; it was just a perk of Matty being Matty. We lie facing each other, we lie still, not smiling just looking into each others eyes, then he smiles. Then I smile, he tells me I'm wonderful, so I bury my face into the pillow laughing, so he won't see me blush. But he tells me to look at him, he says he doesn't want this moment to end. He touches my face gently with his fingers, stroking my cheek, it feel him burning holes into my skin. As I look into his eyes, and as he burns holes into my skin, it feels as if someone cut me open, because it hurts me to look at him. So I close my eyes once more, it hurts so much more not looking at him. The thing is, I've never lived a life without being in pain, and I guess I'm attracted to it. I need pain to feel or I won't feel at all.

So I dare to kiss him and I know what this is going to lead to but when it was over I didn't want it to be. I am attracted to things that can cause me pain, but I don't want to feel it. Matty has the power to break my heart, but I don't want him to break it. I want him to hold it close and tight, I want him to hold me against his bare chest as he is at this exact moment.

Matty sits up and he looks at me, fazed. I sit up on my knees, looking at him no matter how much it hurts. He finally says "You're not. I swear that to you Luna. You have been so much more, you make me feel like a person. Like I'm me... and I'm alive."

"I don't understand" I speak up.

Matty questions me "you don't understand what?"

"How I make you feel anything at all, when I'm so lost." I finally admit, I truly do not know how I feel about anything or anyone else. All I know was that I love him.

Matty asks me the impossible "How and when did you lose yourself?"

"I don't know," is all I could respond.

"Then how do you know you're lost?" He questions.

"I guess I've never knew where I was and I still don't know where I belong."

*

Matty left, and I felt alone until Chris called me, he reminded me that we had a date and he had made reservations at a restaurant, but he canceled them. He thought we needed to have a simple date like we did before he became rich and famous. It sounds nice.

I get ready and he picks me up, he takes me to a small diner not that far away from my apartment, we thought no one was going to bother us. But we ran into some of his fans, and it made me smile how happy he looked seeing them.

We enjoy a cigarette and coffee along with our meal like old times, as we walk out he wraps his arm around me and it feels like we had never broken up. As we make our way to his car, Matty and Harry happen to be walking towards us. "Luna!" Harry shouts, my heart starts pounding.

Chris asks me "Who are they?" which I answered "Harry and Matty."

He raises his eyebrow remembering what Violet said about them the day I spoke to her on speaker phone about Harry being in love with me and me fucking Matty. "Oh." is all he responded.

Both the boys come towards us and hug me "who's this?" Harry questions in his protective voice. Matty stands there cooly but he does not detach his eyes from me. My palms became sweaty and my mouth is dry. I became hot and start to stutter, I'm being myself so I just spit it out.

"Harry, Matty this is Chris Millington, Chris this is Harry Sty--" before I could finish my sentence Harry had swings at him, causing Chris to jerk back.

"Harry!" I shout and Matty added "What the fuck mate? What was that?"

"This is the bastard that beat her!" Harry yells furiously.

Now this time Matty swings at Chris causing him to fall back. I push both of them away and sit up on my knees taking care of Chris. Nothing happened to him beside his face swelling a bit at the cheek and a purple eye.

'What the hell are you doing with this prick Luna? Are you insane?" Harry interrogates.

"What the hell is wrong with me? What the hell is wrong with you? You just punched a complete stranger!" I shout back getting up. I was furious I was only inches away from Harry's face.

Harry backs up and Chris is still on the floor, worrying about his face, it's his career. "What else do you expect me to do? This coward hurt you... the girl I love."

As those words escape his lips I look at Matty, who can't even look at me.

"Harry..." I whisper "I love him. You can't just go punching strangers in the face because you love me. Violet forgave him, heck even Evan who said he would never forgive him or himself forgave him. Harry I forgave him for god-sake."

"You love him?" Harry scoffs, causing Matty to finally look at me.

My eyes widen I didn't even know that I had said that. "No!" I look at Chris "I mean yes!" then I looked at Matty "I mean I don't know."

"You didn't..." Harry assumes "You were stupid enough to sleep with him weren't you?"

"Hey man she doesn't have to tell you shit." Chris says now standing.

I don't say anything, that's when Harry gets his answer "you through my heart to the ground and you trampled all over it."Harry said hurt.

"That was not my intention" I defended, kind of.

"Of course it wasn't, you never intend anything! That's just great now because now I know what we had was just sex, you slut." Harry said, shattering my heart. Harry calling me such a name hurts but it hurts more knowing that now Matty is thinking the same.

Matty walks away towards Harry's car and Harry follows. But Chris he stands by me, the car ride back to my house is awkward. There's traffic to make things worst, making me get home 30 minutes later than I actually should. Chris gets off and walks me to my apartment. As I try opening the door. Chris stops me. "You love him don't you?"

"No, I don't love Harry."

"I wasn't talking about him."

"Matty..."

"I love you, so that means I have to let you go, but I want you to say it and I want you to mean it."

I stand there choosing what to say, more like making myself understand my feelings. I still love Chris, I'll be lying if I say I ever stopped loving him. I don't think i could ever fall out of love with him but... "I am falling in love with Matt Healy."

With that I know there's no going back and Chris will no longer be in my life as I dreamed he'd be, he kisses me gently on the cheek and leaves. I finally open the door to my apartment where I see Matty standing, he says:

"You gave me a heart and you have stolen it. And I am falling in love with you Luna Soileau."

-*-

COMMENT YOUR IG's SO I CAN FOLLOW YOU!