Apartment

Apartment // Sixteen.

Once again I have a drink in one hand and a cigarette in another. My eyes are tired, but I cannot stop looking at the man in front of me, I mean the men in front of me. Matty's making the whole crowd laugh and is as charming as ever, the words rolling off his tongue like silk, making him sound as if he knows everything that needs to be known. He's wearing a blouse that doesn't even look like a blouse because he is wearing it, simply because he is Matty. But all I know there is more Matty than him being just Matty.

Then there's Harry laughing alongside his best-friend and every time he glances up to me he smiles, with that hope that I'll run into his arms. I simply cannot. I'm here loving Matty Healy in silence, breaking my own heart, so I won't break my best-friend's.

My apartment is filled with my closest friends, my neighbors and strangers. Booze and medication fills the air, making me numb and I don't mind, because this pain in unbearable, like I said before it hurts to look at him but it hurts not looking at him.

A cute stranger with a ridiculous mustache that actually works for him catches my eye. He doesn't notice me on my own fire escape. I look back to see if Harry is anywhere in sight or Matty, they aren't. I clear my throat.

From the corner of my eye I see him turn around quickly "oh I didn't see you there."

"Wow, I feel special I'm not even noticed in my own apartment." I reply cool-y not looking at him, taking a drag.

"I'll leave you alone if you'd like" he suggests. The thing is I don't actually want to be alone, so I shake my head offering him a cigarette, which he gladly takes.

I give him a light where he begins to say "My name is..."

"Don't." I stop him "not tonight, I don't want to be acquainted, I just want to have fun."

"Trying to numb the pain? Alcohol, tobacco and sex? It works for a while but then it really fucks you up, so I hear. I'm at your same level at the moment." the handsome stranger admits.

"That's why you're at a strangers party?" I say finally facing him, he looks stunned almost as if he didn't expect me to look the way I look.

"Precisely. But if you're looking for sex why are you out here?" He finally questions.

I give him a cocky grin "I can ask you the same." I look back towards the night sky, the darkness only being lit by The City of Angles lights "But if you must know, then I guess you're not the one."

He chuckles lightly underneath his breath "where do you want to do this? Out here or the bedroom."

I say nothing but leave my beer on my fire escape, I grab his hand leading him to my bedroom but then to my restroom. I open the window "the bedroom is too intimate" I whisper with the little strength I have. I still with a cigarette in my mouth he fucking me against the bathroom sink, I feel nothing but my body moving to his beat, his breath against his neck and his sloppy kisses. I hear the mumbling of music, the stranger grunting and my moaning. We ride off our highs, then he forces me to my knees and I begin to suck his cock, his hands in my hair, making himself go down my throat. Tears stinging my eyes, until he finally cums in my mouth. I stay on my knees lifeless when he says "the first time is the worst then you get used to it, cry your eyes out babe."

He kisses me roughly, he leaves buckling his pants and closes the bathroom door. I find he has left his beer bottle, nearly full, I grab for it but I accidentally knock it over, the glass shattering cutting my upper thigh. I still on my knees curl up into my chest, crying, slowly hating myself. I don't know what has gotten over me, this isn't how I should be reacting.

This is not appropriate behavior, not for this situation, sure I can't be with Matty but I realize it's not just that. I've just finally let my past catch up to me after all those years of ignoring it. The thing is I'm not sad I'm more than that, but I've been hiding it behind smiles and laughter and I actually started believing it and I thought that was how I was suppose to heal it. But that doesn't work for everyone apparently, I guess I hit my breaking point. I love this world but I hate myself, I hate what I have become. I hate how I am attracted to things that can bring me pain and that I bring pain to others.