BULLETS | JEMILY

breaking the silence

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You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart...I'll always be with you.

A.A. Milne - Winnie The Pooh

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{EMILY}

I've been at home for two weeks and it sucks. JJ's really done it. She broke up with me. I still don't understand why. I told her over and over that it wasn't her fault and that I love her, but it wasn't enough. I just don't understand what went wrong? We were doing so well up until that incident. And now she won't answer my calls, she won't open my texts and she won't talk to me. What else can I do?

The cast on my arm itches so much. It's not coming off for another month and it's driving me crazy. Penelope signed her name in bright pink marker and drew several hearts and flowers on it. Even Hotch signed it, very small, in the corner. The only person who didn't sign the cast was JJ. That hurt the most.

I check my phone every five minutes but still nothing. The silence is unbearable and I've done all I can to reach out to JJ. It's up to her now. The phone rings and my heart flutters for a second before I see that it's not JJ. "Hi, Penelope." I say, unable to hide the disappointment in my voice. "Hello to you too, I'm guessing that you were hoping for JJ." "You picked up that, huh?" I ask. "Yeah, still nothing from her?" "Not a word. Why won't she talk to me, Penelope? I thought we were together, you know?" I can hear her sighing from here. "Em, I wish there was something I could do." "She doesn't want to talk to me, Penelope. I've tried, but she won't answer my calls." I say, trying my best not to cry. "Nobody's heard from her in the past two weeks. We're all worried." Penelope's voice is filled with sadness. "I'm going to see her." I decide. I've had enough of sitting around. It's time I went to talk some sense into her. She can't carry on ignoring us forever. "Good luck, Em. I really hope it goes well." "Me too." 

I grab my keys and head out. It's not a long drive to JJ's and I know she's at home. The curtains are all closed but her car is parked out front. As I climb out, I see the curtain move slightly in a window upstairs. She's watching. I knock on the door and wait. "Jennifer, I know you're in there." I shout. "JJ please, I need to talk to you. I'm not leaving until you open the door." I stand there and wait, praying that she actually opens the door. Thankfully, my prayers have been answered. The door opens a crack and her face appears. She looks terrible. "Please leave." She whispers. "We both know that I am not going anywhere. Please just let me in." I plead with her. She sighs and closes the door. The latch comes off and she lets me in before shutting the door quickly behind me.

I thought my place was a mess but hers is even worse. Books, papers and plates everywhere. She doesn't say anything as I look around and settles down on the sofa with her legs tucked up underneath her chin. "JJ, what's going on with you?" I break the silence. She shrugs and picks at her fingernails, just like I do. "Emily, I- I can't do this with you, okay? I need to be alone and I need you to understand that." My face falls. "JJ, I can't just leave this alone. I can't. I love you so much, why can't you see that?" "I love you too, but I'm no good for you. I have too much past and when it came back, you could have died. You could have been seriously injured. I don't want to put you through that again." Tears roll down her cheeks but she still maintains her eye contact. "JJ, that's done, there's nothing we can do about it, but it's over. Will's in prison and he can't hurt you again." "I don't deserve this, Em, I don't deserve you." She repeats. "Why are you doing this to yourself?" I suddenly snap. I've had enough of this. "What's really going on here? Are you afraid of something?" She closes up and looks away. "Can you go, please? This conversation is over." "No." "Excuse me?" She untucks her legs and slowly stands up. "I'm not leaving until you talk to me. I mean, really talk to me. I know you, JJ, this isn't you." 

We stand inches apart. It's a battle of wills, who's going to look away first. This is breaking her heart just as much as it breaks mine, I just don't understand. The tension is unbearable. Neither of us speak but we don't turn away either. The longer we stand there, the harder it is to say something. But I notice her left arm twitching every now and then. She's trying to ignore it, I can tell, but she gives up and folds her arms over her chest. 

Finally, she gives in. "Em, I'm too tired for this." "No, you're not." I say firmly, looking directly into her eyes. "What?" "You're hiding something." "N-No I'm not." She takes a step away from me. Her eyes flicker momentarily down to her arm and I take the opportunity to reach for it. She tries twisting away but my grip is too firm. "Emily, get off me." She groans. I pull her sleeve up and she immediately looks away from me. I let out a loud gasp. 

Her left arm is covered in red cuts up to her elbow. "JJ, what is this?" I shout. She pulls her arm away and rolls the sleeve down. "Leave me alone. It's none of your business." "You need help, JJ. How long has this been going on?" I ask. She mutters something inaudible. I ask her again. "A few weeks." "Why, JJ? Why?" She shrugs and sinks onto the sofa. I sit at the other end, watching her closely. "I just, I just needed something. Something to stop hurting." "This isn't the answer, JJ. You should have come to me." She shakes her head. "I couldn't. I-I couldn't face you after all of this. And I didn't know who else to turn to." Her body shakes as she breaks down and I pull her into my chest. "Shh, it's going to be okay. Come here." She settles against me and I gently stroke her hair until she calms down. "I'm so sorry, Emily. I'm sorry for messing up again." "It's okay. I'm here now, and I'm not going to let you go. You're safe with me." 

"I love you." That's all it takes, those three words, and I know that I have JJ back. She's been through a lot, and she needs help, but she knows that I'm here for her, and I'll be by her side through everything. "I love you too, JJ. Always."