BULLETS | JEMILY

kisses

~~~

Don't fall, don't feel

But I sink farther

Do you feel the same way?

And I know I'll see you, I can't avoid you

Do you feel the same way?

~~~

You are my heart, my life, my one and only thought.

Arthur Conan Doyle - The White Company

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We solve the case in good time, and manage to save the unsub's last victim from being killed. It's a good result, and we should all be celebrating, but for some reason, I'm not in the mood. Everything the unsub said, I felt. I felt angry towards my mother for not allowing me to be who I wanted. I felt hopeless because I didn't live up to society's expectations. I felt abandoned by God and those who should love me, but don't. But most of all, I feel lonely because nobody understands me the way I want them to. I want to find that one person who will love me for me and wouldn't want me to change anything. And I'm done with dating guys, I was never really into them anyway. For now, my focus is on trying to get JJ out of my head, but that is easier said than done. Clearly. Because here I am, still thinking about her.

And speaking of JJ, she walks over to my desk. I'm about to head home and get some rest and call Max when she stops to say hello. "Hey, Em, you want to grab a drink with me?" She asks hopefully. It's not too late, only seven thirty, and I know she doesn't particularly want to go home just yet. "Uh, sure. I'll just grab my stuff." I say and follow her out. We leave our cars in the parking lot and instead walk down to the local bar, O'Keeffe's. "This is our usual hang out, when we're not on cases." JJ says as we walk in. It's definitely a popular bar, almost packed in fact, and we squeeze through the crowd to a small table in the corner. "Looks like it's just us tonight, no doubt Morgan's found some girl to take home." She laughs. "Yeah, no doubt." I smile. "I'm getting a drink, what do you want?" "Martini, please." I say. She shakes her head, "You city folk are all the same." When she returns with a martini and a large pint of beer, I ask, "What do you mean, city folk?" "Oh please, you're definitely a city girl. I mean, I grew up in a small town surrounded by trees and hills and everyone drunk whatever was going cheap. Usually just beer, we never really went for fancy cocktails." I take a sip and smile. "Tell me more about your childhood." I say. She looks caught off guard but carries on. "Oh, alright. It was alright, I grew up with my mom and dad and sister, and my grandparents own a farm. We used to go there now and again on the weekends or holidays. Everything was fine until I was eleven. I, well, my sister, she... she killed herself on her seventeenth birthday, and..." JJ pauses and I don't know if I should hug her or not. I settle for squeezing her hand and she smiles. "Um, I was the one who found her in the bathtub. She slit her wrists with one of my dad's razors, and she gave me this necklace." JJ points to the small heart-shaped necklace around her neck. I give her a look of sympathy. "I'm sorry, I...what was her name?" "Roslyn. She really was the best big sister, she always made me laugh. For ages I couldn't understand why she would do such a thing, leave me like that, all alone, but when I was fifteen, I found one of her old diaries, and it made more sense to me." "Wow, I can't imagine going through that." I respond. "Mmm, what about you? You mentioned that you moved around a lot?" Damn, I should have seen that coming. "Yeah, my mother is an ambassador so we lived in a lot of countries. I spent a lot of time in Italy, though, and I met my friends Matthew and John. But actually, I haven't really spoken to any of my old friends in years. I was really into goth as well, for a year." "Wow, really, goth?" JJ asks, surprised. "Yeah, don't ask, it was a wild phase. I had a few of them." She giggles and takes another sip. "Now that I have to hear about." I shake my head. "Oh, dear god, what have I done? Well, I suppose there was the brief period that I thought grey was a good look, and everything I wore was grey. I tried dying my hair, but my mother stopped me before I could get to it. Lucky, that, I don't know what I would have done." JJ laughs so hard she nearly falls off her seat. I grab her arm to steady her, and something strange happens.

She leans forward to sit upright, and we both freeze. My eyes are locked on hers, which are the palest shade of blue with specks of green, and her eyes are sparkling and unblinking. I hesitate, but she moves forwards. Suddenly, all my focus is on her. Forget the other people in the room, all I can think about was how much I want her. How much I really want her. She's so close, I can feel the vanilla scent creep slowly up my nose and her hair tickling my cheek. "JJ..." I start to say but she's not listening. Well, screw it. I press my lips firmly, but gently, on her soft lips and she presses back, her tongue exploring my mouth. Wow, no hanging around there. My hands are cupping her warm cheeks and her hands are on the table. I can tell this is new to her, and I don't want to push too hard, but I have to kiss her. I've waited so long to finally be able to feel her lips on mine. And it's wonderful. But now I want more. I need more.

"JJ, stop. Stop it, you're married." I pull back, suddenly reality comes crashing down. The noise of the bar returns and she looks as if she's only just opened her eyes. "I-I..." She starts to panic. I resist the urge to touch her again. "JJ, I should go. I... I'll see you around, okay?" I get up and grab my jacket. She's still rooted in her seat with shock and fear, but now I'm starting to panic. What if I've just screwed everything up? My god, Emily, she's your friend, your coworker, and she's married. She has a husband. What the hell are you thinking? I can barely see as I head back down the block to the FBI building. I climb into my car and, with no particular destination in mind, I start driving. I'm not drunk, only having one drink, but my mind is clouded with thoughts and I drive clumsily, barely missing cars as I turn the corner. I should head back. I should stop and calm down. But I can't. My heart is racing and blood rushes through my veins. I'm flushed and hot and all I want is to take that beautiful blonde woman to bed....

I dial Max. "Hey girl, what's going on?" He answers straight away. "Emily?" I'm speechless, still trying to figure out how to explain what just happened. "Max, I've messed up big time." I say. "Em, what are you talking about?" "I did something stupid. I kissed her. I kissed the woman that I couldn't stop thinking about, but I think she was drunk, maybe, and now she's going to hate me because she has a husband and she has to go home to him and they're already not in a good place and I think I just made it worse." "Emily, breathe, you're over reacting again." "Max, I really don't think I am." "No, Emily, you're speculating. You have no idea how the rest of the night and morning is going to go until it happens. All you did was express your feelings to that woman, whoever she is, and if she's your friend, then she'll have no problem talking about what may or may not have happened. Now just drive home, carefully, run a bath, have a soak, and go to bed. I'll call you in the morning." "Thanks, Max. Bye." I guess he's right. I drive home.

The phone rings early in the morning. It's JJ. "JJ, h-how are you?" "Emily, can we talk?" She asks. I scramble out of bed and grab the nearest clothes. "Sure, I'll be at the park by Anderson in fifteen." I say and hurry out of my apartment. The sun is slowly rising, the sky a brilliant shade of yellow, and there's a light breeze in the air. It's what I would call a perfect morning. Except it doesn't feel perfect. There's a pit in my stomach that just won't go away, and I'm certain that it's not going to get any better. As I walk through the park, I spot a blonde walking towards me. She looks up and, seeing me, comes to a halt. Instead, I walk towards her and we meet in the middle of the path. "Uh, Emily..." "JJ..." We talk at the same time. "After you." I say politely. She bites her lip and looks down. "I talked to Will last night." She begins. I decide not to interrupt. "We... we're getting a divorce. He confirmed my suspicions... he was having an affair. We loved each other, once, but the job got in the way and we just grew apart. But... I told him about last night. Well, I didn't mention you or anything, but I told him I kissed someone. And he wasn't angry or surprised, he was just sad. I-I miss him, the old him, and I miss how he used to make me feel." "Hey, JJ, it's going to be alright. This could be the start of something new, you know. You deserve someone who will support you and your choices and what you love, and who won't hold you back or talk down about your dreams. This is your time to shine." She smiles and puts her arms around me in a spontaneous hug. "Thank you, Em, for being so kind. I've never met anyone quite like you." "And I you." I say in a hushed tone as I rest my chin on her shoulder.