BULLETS | JEMILY

new orleans 2

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How can I keep myself away

When I'm falling on for you

I've never known this kind of love

I can't help that I'm falling on for you

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He sweeps her hair back from her ears; he swings her above his head. He says she is his émerveillement. He says he will never leave her, not in a million years.

Anthony Doerr - All the Light We Cannot See

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Her face falls and I want to run to her. "JJ, wait." I say as she disappears back inside. Will just stares and starts to walk away. Now, I'm torn. I want to give him a piece of my mind, but I also want to follow JJ to make sure she's okay. He was sweet and charming, but definitely not JJ. And it probably really hurt to see him again. God, why was I so stupid? I head inside, but she's not in the lobby. I can't remember what room she's in. I go to the reception desk and politely as for the room. "Hi, I forgot what room I'm staying in. I have a key, but I cannot remember for the life of my what room it is. The rest of my team have probably returned already." I say with a smile. "Of course, what's your name?" "Jennifer Jareau." "Room 203, second floor." "Oh, of course, thanks a lot!" I say and rush to the stairs. The elevator is going to ages. Room 200, 201, 202, finally I reach 203. The door isn't even locked. I knock gently before walking in and see her sitting on the bed with her back to the door. I don't need to ask if she's okay, because I can see her shoulders shaking and hear the soft sobs from where I'm standing. 

"JJ... I didn't know that Will was going to ..." I start to apologise but she interrupts. "Ha, it's not you're fault, Emily, it's me, it's always me. I knew he was cheating, when I was away, but I was an idiot to hope that he would end things and try to fix our relationship. It broke me to find out, not because he was cheating, but he thought I didn't know and didn't tell me anything. I knew for a long time before we finally separated." She starts laughing whilst wiping her eyes. "Of course he'd be back to his old charming ways." "What a jerk." I add, which made her giggle. "You're not, though." She says. "Not what?" "A jerk. You're so nice, and caring, and wonderful." She continues. "I wish everyone was like you." "Believe me, if everyone was like me, the human race wouldn't be able to survive." I say, but secretly my heart jumps in delight. "Why do all my relationships suck? What am I doing wrong?" She asks, leaning against my chest. Her intoxicating scent fills my nostrils and again, I want more from her, but I'm not going to take advantage like that. She deserves that perfect someone, whoever he is. "Nothing, you're perfect." "No I'm not." She sighs. "Yes you are." Crap, what am I doing? Voices are swirling round and round in my head. Stop talking right now, you're going to screw everything up. "JJ, you're gorgeous and you're full of love and passion for what you do and the people you help, and anyone can see how gentle and funny and smart you are. It's amazing." She sits upright and wipes the tears from her cheeks. "Emily, nobody ever said that to me, you know, like actually meaning it." "Well, they should because it's true." 

I can't explain what happens next. Somehow, we end up lying next to each other on her bed, our hands tightly squeezed together, breathing in synchronicity. Her hair is spread out in a golden halo on the pillow, and she has the radiance of an angel. God, why did I have to fall for my coworker? Before you ask, no we haven't done anything. But that doesn't mean I haven't thought about it. No, we just lie beside each other, comforted by the presence of the other. I don't want to make things awkward or uncomfortable, so this is enough for me. The clock ticks by and we don't move or speak, but for some reason, it doesn't feel strange at all, it's oddly uplifting. JJ closes her eyes and soon she drifts off, but I stay awake. I want to keep this feeling going for as long as possible. I know it's stupid, because I know that this can't carry on. I have to accept that she will never be mine, I could never take her home with me as my girlfriend, or lover, but I just can't help myself. My head and my heart battle each other every time I'm with her, and somehow, my heart usually wins before my head fights back. I should go. I should go while I still can. Not just from the room, but from her life. I should walk away before I ruin everything, like I always do, but whenever I try to leave, something holds me back and I punish myself all over again with longing and hopelessness. 

It's past three, and I try to slip out of bed, but her grip is too strong on my hand. She turns on to her side, facing me, and instead, I just lie there and watch her sleep. I don't know how long for, but I also fall asleep. We wake up to the sound of a ringing phone. It's JJ's. "Uh, Agent Jareau." She answers quickly. "Uh huh, oh, right, of course, we'll be right there." "What happened?" I ask as she gets out of bed. "Another murder. I'll call Hotch and the rest of the team." "Yeah, I should head back to change. I'll meet you and everyone else in the lobby." I say and slip out. Back in my own room, I have a quick shower and pull on a plain white shirt and black pants and my boots and grab my badge and gun and head down to the lobby. Everyone but JJ is there. She arrives a few minutes later, out of breath and looking as if she just ran a sprint. I raise an eyebrow, but she shakes her head. We split up to cover the crime scene, and talking to families, and soon enough, we get a clear lead. The only step left is to arrest the suspect. Garcia narrows down the location to his home address, or a small warehouse on the edge of the town. 

JJ, Morgan and I are heading to the home address, and the rest of the team go to the warehouse. The strategy is pretty simple, JJ and I take the back whilst Morgan breaks down the front, accompanied by another officer. He counts us down, and we break in at the same time. "CLEAR" echoes through the room and we congregate in the lounge. "It doesn't look like he's been here in a while." Morgan says. "Yeah, look at the layers of dust." I add. "Hey, guys, check this out, he has a storm shelter." JJ points out of the window. "Let's check it out." We all go outside with our guns drawn. Morgan opens the door and I head down first. It's very dark and I turn on the flashlight only for horror to fill me eyes. It's is literally like a medieval torture dungeon. There's metal tables, chains, blades and a hundred other bloody tools scattered around the room and drops of blood on the stone floor. "Oh my god." I say, putting my gun down and surveying the room in the dim light. "Well, this is definitely the guy." Morgan says. JJ wanders over to the corner, near a pillar, and it takes me a minute to figure out what happens next.

"Get out, all of you!" A loud, harsh voice shouts. I hear a muffled scream and turn around to see a ragged looking man with scraggly hair and an overgrown beard. He's got JJ in a headlock with a gun shaking in his non-dominant hand. Both Morgan and I instinctively aim our weapons at him. "Whoa, drop the weapon, man, and let her go." Morgan says calmly but firmly. "T-this is my place. N-nobody is allowed here. Leave me alone." He cries. "I'm afraid we can't do that. Now let her go, and maybe we can figure this out." Morgan tries his best but the man just isn't listening. He's getting angrier and starts to shake even more and JJ's struggling to breathe. She looks at me and nudges his chest with her head. I think I know what she wants, but it's too risky. I shake my head slightly. I can't do it, I could hit her. I've never been a perfect shot, not like her. I aim for the biggest part, not a precise area, and I could shoot her instead. Time is running out, though, as he isn't loosening his grip and Morgan can't get him to let her go. I guess I have to try, at least.

"Hey, hey, my name's Emily. Okay, you want to tell me your name?" "Mmm...R-Robert." He says slowly. "That's good, Robert, that's good. Now my friend here, she's having a little trouble breathing, can you see? You can help her with that, if you just loosen up slightly. You don't want to hurt her, or any of us, because then you won't make it out of the door before a shower of bullets comes. You know that, right? So do the right thing, okay." He's confused, definitely confused. He starts banging his head with the butt of his gun. "No. No. It's not right. It's not supposed to be like this." I take the opportunity to dive at him, tackling him to the floor. For someone so nervous, he's got a firm grip on the trigger of his gun. I try to prise it out of his grasp and as it slides out, I hear a loud bang and a groan. I throw the gun on the floor, and pull him away from JJ. Blood starts forming a small pool on the floor and I have no idea who it belongs to. I'm more concerned about handcuffing him so he can't hurt anyone else.