BULLETS | JEMILY

jj

~~~

You won't say, you won't show
How you feel
How do you feel?

~~~

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind.

William Shakespeare

~~~

The paintings flash by as I pace round and round and round. Waiting is a patient man's game, not mine. I don't care that everybody else is just watching me, or that I haven't slept all night, or that my stomach is aching from hunger. All I care about is what's going on in the operating theatre, and why they're not telling us anything. She's been under for about 5 hours, and still nothing.

That son of a bitch got off without a scratch. I shoved him in the back of the cop car and ran back into the storm cellar to hold her hand. "Em, I'm s-so cold." "Sh... you're going to be alright. The medics are here, they're right outside." I said as we could hear the sirens. "Please, d-don't leave me." "I'm right here, JJ, I'm not going anywhere.... I love you." I whispered the last part but she'd closed her eyes. I think she went unconscious. I didn't leave her side as the medics lifted her onto the stretcher and into the ambulance. "Are you riding?" The medic asked me and I nodded. "Emily, we'll meet you there." Morgan said as he rushed to the SUV. The drive seemed to talk forever. JJ's eyes didn't open once and I was terrified that I was going to lose her without getting to say how I really felt. But I couldn't say it. Saying it out loud would make it real. Too real. And I could never take it back. No, I bit my tongue instead and held it in. I just prayed that she would be okay, and that I wouldn't regret my decision.

The clock reads 6 27 am, and finally, a doctor walks in. He removes his mask and surgical cap. His face is unreadable. "So? How is she? Can we see her?" I ask as we all stand up. "It was a tricky operation, she lost a lot of blood and we needed to remove the bullet before we could start to operate. The bullet split into two fragments, one piercing the left kidney, but the other missed a major artery by millimetres. A little more to the left, and we'd be having a completely different conversation." "But she's going to be alright, doc?" Morgan asks. "She isn't totally out of the woods, recovery might be a long process. But yes, she should be alright. She's asleep now. But you can visit when she wakes up." Everyone breathes a sigh of relief. I could jump for joy right now. "Thank you, thank you so much, doctor." I say with a huge smile. He nods and leaves. "She's gonna be alright." I say again, still not quite believing it. "It was all my fault, you know." I sigh, shaking my head. "I thought I could get the gun away, but he fired it before he let go. I messed up. She's lying in that hospital bed because of me." Tears are blurring my vision and I blink hard. "Prentiss, don't do it. Don't blame yourself, you did everything you could. You managed to subdue the unsub." "B-but she got hurt! JJ got hurt and it's all my fault." I shout at Morgan and push past him. I can hear Hotch calling from behind but I just keep walking. "At some point I reach the outside where I break into a run and just start running as far away from the hospital as possible. Despite the lack of sleep, I'm bursting full of energy and I just keep going until my lungs start to ache for oxygen and I slow down to breathe. All of these emotions just come rushing in and I don't know what to do. It feels like the walls are closing in, which is stupid since I'm right outside, breathing in the fresh morning air.

Too much, too fast. It's all getting too real. I nearly lost her forever. I caused it, and if I see her again, she'll never forgive me. God, this always happens. Whenever I get within touching distance, it all goes horribly wrong. It was the same all those years ago. My mother was right, relationships just aren't for me. I think about Laura, sometimes, the girl I tried to introduce to my mother. I think about how angry she was, how outraged she was that I would even try to be open about my relationships. If it wasn't with a good Christian boy, she didn't want to know. She didn't want to know me. The real me. And it hurt, but for a long time I'd managed to completely detach from my feelings about love and her and everyone I cared about, until now. My phone rings over and over again so I decide to answer it before it breaks. "Hello?" "Emily, JJ's awake." The words I had been hoping for and dreading at the same time. "Emily?" "I'm on my way." I reply and without thinking, I start running back towards the hospital. This time I'm running with my heart, not my head. My head would tell me to stop, because nothing good will ever happen, but my heart aches to see her beautiful smile and her sparkling eyes again. I can't resist it. 

When I arrive, the rest of the team are already there. I straighten my blouse before entering her room and almost immediately, it falls silent. They all turn to look at me and I quickly avoid eye contact and instead focus on JJ. Her face is pale and she has a lot of tubes and wires, but her face still lights up as I approach. "Emily! I was starting to worry." She says with a smile. "Hey, I'm here. I'm here." I repeat as I walk to the edge of the bed and lean over to give her a gentle cuddle. I'm careful to not touch her abdomen area where the bullet went in, and she does her best not to wince. "Hey, could you give us a minute?" JJ asks the team, who nod and start to head out. "Good to see you, JJ." Hotch says as the door closes. 

Once in private, the smile disappears and is replaced with a look of concern. "Em, I..." "No, JJ, I need to say something to you right now, before I change my mind." I interrupt. The words have been dancing on my tongue for some time and I feel that if I don't spit them out, I will never get another chance to. "JJ, from the first time we met, back in the bar when I first came to DC, I've felt this strange connection between us, this sensation that I can't explain, but that I crave, and when I'm with you, I feel content, like there's nothing more in the world that I need, except for you. And I know words have never been my strong point, and I suck at relationships and social cues and everything, but I really want this feeling to mean something, you know, to mean something more than just me liking you. Because I know one thing, Jennifer Jareau, and that is, I really like you. Is that so crazy to imagine?" Silence. Uncomfortable, awkward, weird... those are the kinds of words I'd use to describe what's going on right now. But then, the most unbelievable thing happens. Her hair tickles my cheek as she leans forwards and our lips connect and a feeling of euphoria fills me inside. My heart almost bursts out of my chest. It's the most beautiful thing to ever happen to me, and for some reason I'm crying? She pulls away. "Emily, what's wrong?" Her voice is so caring and genuine and soft. It's amazing. "I'm sorry, it's not you, this is good, I promise. It's just, nobody's ever made me feel so special and it's crazy, but I've never had such a feeling like I mattered, and that I did something right. It feels like a huge weight has just been lifted from me, and for the first time, I'm happy. Truly happy. I don't want this to ever end." I sniff as I start to laugh again. "God, I look an absolute mess." I add. "No, you don't. You're gorgeous." She replies, and her right hand softly wipes away a tear. Her fingers linger on my cheek for a moment longer and we both smile at each. Finally, I feel free. 

"I want to apologise, though, JJ, for getting you shot." I say minutes later. My head is resting on her lap as she strokes my hair with her fingers. "What are you talking about?" "I tried to get the gun away, and he ended up firing it at you." "Oh, please, that wasn't your fault. If you hadn't tackled him, he could have shot any one of us, or all of us. Besides, it's just bullets. What's the worst they can do?" She chuckles. "JJ..." "Yeah?" "Just shut up, okay." I say with a grin and she laughs. "Whatever you want, Em." "Oh, and one more thing." "What's that?" "Can we not tell anyone just yet? I-I don't want to go too fast, and I certainly want you to myself for just a little bit longer." I explain. "Of course, I agree. It'll be our little secret." "That sounds wonderful." We don't move for the rest of the day.