BULLETS | JEMILY

new orleans

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You won't show what I won't show

Do you know what you're doing to me?

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We are asleep until we fall in love.

Leo Tolstoy - War and Peace

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Two weeks have passed, and JJ hasn't mentioned her divorce to the rest of the team. In fact, she's taking the whole thing pretty well, and even manages to joke every now and then. Even working with a group of profilers hasn't fazed her. It's a drizzly Thursday morning, and we've just been made aware of a case in New Orleans, Louisiana. JJ presents the case and the briefing is going well, but all of a sudden she excuses herself and rushes out of the room. "What the hell?" Morgan looks through the window to see her rushing through the bullpen and out of the double doors, out of sight. "I'll check on her." I excuse myself and follow behind. "Do you think it was the case?" I hear Reid ask before the door closes. 

It takes me a few minutes to find her, she's back in her office with the door shut and the blinds drawn. I knock softly, "JJ? It's Emily." I hear sniffles and then the sound of a bolt. "Go away." "We both know that I'm not going anywhere. Please, just let me in." I reply. She sighs and unlocks the door. She opens it a crack and I slide inside before she shuts it again. "I can't do this case, Em. It's bad enough being divorced, but New Orleans is where I first met Will, and where all our memories are, and I can't face his old team and all the questions. I think he went back home, and I haven't told anyone, and they'll all want to know why we split up and... and..." Tears fill her eyes and she hiccups the last few words. I wrap my arms around her and calm her down. "It's okay, you're just having a little panic attack. Just relax, and focus on your breathing. Ignore everything else, just listen to me. In, and out. In, and out. There, keep going. Let's sit down, and take a few more deep breaths." I guide her over to the couch in the corner and sit beside her. Searching for something to breathe in to, I locate a small brown bag that hasn't been used yet, and hold it for her to breathe in. "Remember, in and out. Nice and slow and controlled. Very good." We just sit together in silence as I listen to her breathing, watching her chest expand and contract. After a while, she removes the bag and wipes her eyes on her sleeve. "Wow, that was embarrassing." She says with a chuckle. I wipe a stray tear from her cheek and our hands collide. Her skin is silky soft and gentle. "You just needed a moment. It's okay." I reassure her. "I guess I should tell the others, you know, to stop any awkward questions during the case." "Only if you're ready. You don't have to if you don't want to." "It's okay. It's probably time, anyways, the team have always been supportive about my decisions. Ever since I came here, they've been my family." "Yeah, it sure does feel like that." I nod as we get ready to go. 

On the jet, even though nobody says a word, we both know what they're thinking. JJ clears her throat and makes her announcement. She's strong enough not to look down as she talks. "Uh, guys, so I have some explaining to do. Will and I are getting a divorce. The papers are being finalised right now, and it will be done by the end of the month. I- I don't want to talk about it, just yet, but we might see him down in New Orleans, so, I just want to clear that up." "Thank you, JJ." Hotch says. "I'm sorry." Garcia says over the video conference. "Yeah, me too." Morgan adds. "Thanks, guys. I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier, I guess I was just a bit embarrassed about it." "Don't apologise, JJ, it's okay to be upset." I say with a small smile. After that, she feels more relaxed and we play some card games. Reid wins all the time, which is to be expected, and soon it's time to land. I take a quick glance at JJ, trying to read her expression, but she's got her guard up and seems totally unfazed. I know it's just for show, but I don't want to say anything just yet. For now, we need to focus on catching a killer.

Things are only going to get worse. As we pull up outside the police station, two officers walk out to greet us. Hotch introduces us, and we head inside. JJ stops suddenly and I follow her eyes over to the corner where I spot a tall, dark haired man reading a file whilst waiting at the coffee machine. His back is turned, but one look tells me that it's Will, JJ's soon-to-be ex husband. She grabs my arm and pulls me outside with her without a word. "Whoa, JJ, what's going on?" I ask, totally bewildered. "I thought I was going to be fine, but turns out I was wrong. He's here. And he's going to see me and all the memories of our fights will come back... and this is where I met him. Down in New Orleans. Well actually it was at the crime scene, but still. God, why did I think I could be here? Emily, why I am so stupid?" The smile is gone from her face and it breaks my heart inside to see her so distressed and upset. "Shh, no you're not. You were focused on the case instead of yourself, and that it perfectly understandable. We can go for a walk if you need, or you can stay, but whatever you choose, I'll be right here with you, okay? And so will the team. Whatever you need, you got." She nods. "I'll be okay. I'm gonna stay."

Together, we walk back into the station. This time, JJ ignores him and heads straight to the conference room where the rest of the team is setting up the evidence board. "So... what's going on?" She asks. "Reid and Morgan are going to the ME, you and Emily can go to the crime scene, and I'm going to start with the families." Hotch explains. "Alright." "Oh, and Detective LaMontagne has decided to step away from this case." I see a wave of relief in her face. "Okay. Thanks, Hotch." We go to the crime scene to walk through the murder, and then report back to the team. It's a long day of evidence gathering and talking to families and witnesses, and before we head to the hotel, I need a drink. I decide to go to the nearest bar and order a gin and tonic, just a small one before I call it a night. Someone joins me at the bar but the lights are dim so I can't make out his face. All I can hear is a very Southern accent ordering a pint. "Where you from, gorgeous?" The voice asks. I laugh internally, as I do when men decide to throw themselves in at the deep end. "All over the place." I answer, not looking at him. "Really? A confident, smart girl like you must be from the city, right?" "DC, yes. Good guess." "You're a long way from home then. Maybe you need company tonight?" "Uh, no, I'm quite alright thanks." I reply, shifting away slightly. He doesn't take the hint. "Come on, girl, stop playing with me." He grabs my arm and I shove him back. He doesn't fall but gets up, clearly angry now. Someone else pushes past me and shoves him to the floor. "You don't treat women like that, ever, she said no, so get the message and clear off." Another guy says. He then turns to me to ask if I'm alright. "Yeah, thanks." I say, finishing my drink. I've definitely had enough action for one night. "Can I walk you home? Or wherever you're staying?" He offers, but this, it's sincere and I think he's just checking that I make it safely. "Uh, thanks, that's really nice of you." 

It's dark when we walk out. He keeps his distance but walks level with me until we reach the front of the hotel. "Well, thanks for the company." "Not a problem. Thanks for letting me walk. How long are you going to be in the area for?" He asks. "Oh, I.. you know it depends on my job. I travel a lot, and if things go well, I may be heading back to DC in a couple of days." I say gently. "Right, yeah. I understand. My... my ex used to travel a lot. But, uh, hey, you want to at least grab coffee sometime? Before you leave, I mean? Only if you want, though." He adds. Now I'm torn. This man seems really kind and sweet, but.... I promised myself that I was going to stay true to myself and my feelings. "Uh, gee, that's really nice. But... I'm actually..." "Are you already seeing someone?" He asks. I blush red. "Oh, uh no, but, you see, I'm just... I'm not really into guys like that." He still doesn't catch on. I blurt it out instead. "I'm gay." It just comes out, and it's the first time I've really accepted it. It should feel good, but it doesn't. "Oh, well, have a good stay then. See you around, maybe." I wave and turn around. My heart stops. JJ is standing by the entrance with her arms folded and her eyes wide open. "Will?" Oh crap.