BULLETS | JEMILY

waking up

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So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

Stephen Chbosky - The Perks of Being a Wallflower

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{EMILY}

A nudge on the shoulder wakes me up. I almost jump out of the chair. "I'm up, I'm up. What's going on?" I look around. I'm still in JJ's hospital room but there are more people here now. Doctors and nurses in blue scrubs. Penelope is by my side. "They're going to wake her up now, Em. Let's pray for good news." She squeezes my right hand tightly as we sit and wait. I hear them whispering but can't make out any words. I take a deep breath in as they start to unplug JJ from the machines and my heart stops when the room goes silent. Come on, JJ, come on. I can't hold my breath much longer. Penelope's eyes are open wide with shock as we wait. Come on, JJ.

Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurts? It physically hurts to think of them in pain, or in danger, or to think that there's a chance you'll never get to speak to them again. I beg with everything I have that JJ is fighting for us just as much as I am, because I don't know how to live without her. I don't know how to be if she's not in my life. Please, JJ, please just hold on for me.

And then it's over. The heart monitor roars into life and JJ splutters to take a breath. I allow my lungs to fill up with air once more and Penelope gives me the biggest hug she can manage. "She's awake, and there doesn't appear to be any lasting damage. Just take it easy." The doctors instruct us before leaving the room. 

Penelope wheels my chair closer to JJ and I take her hand as soon as I can reach it. Her face breaks into a small, sad smile and, very slowly and hesitantly, she opens her eyes. "JJ? JJ, it's Emily. Are you okay?" I whisper. Her voice is quiet and weak but she blinks and looks up at me, "Emily? I-I thought..." Tears form in her eyes and I gently wipe them from her cheek with my good hand. "Shh, it's okay. Everything's going to be okay."  I smile widely. "What happened?" "Just a bad knock on the head, JJ, you're going to be fine." "I-I don't remember. When did that happen?" I realise that I don't remember the date either. "Um, a day or two, I think. Something like that. But it doesn't matter, you're safe and I'm here." "Who did- Em, you're hurt." Her face falls when she notices the cast and the chair. "Oh it's just a scratch." I shrug. "Are you okay?" She asks so sweetly. I love how she's the one who came out of a coma and she's asking me if I'm okay. "Yes, JJ, I am. Because I'm here with you, and that's all that I need." 

JJ looks so relieved and her eyes are open wide. God I've missed those beautiful blue eyes. I suddenly remember that I haven't called Max in a very long time, and he might start worrying that something happened to me... well, okay something did happen, but I'm fine now. "Emily?" JJ tugs at my hand slightly. "Yeah?" "Who did this?" I don't know what to do. Do I tell her the truth? In which case she'll feel terrible and think it's her fault, or do I lie and make up a story. We both know that I can lie pretty easily, but she's usually able to tell. I decide to tell her the truth.

"Firstly, JJ, nobody blames you. He just wanted to get back at you for..." "It was Will, wasn't it?" She interrupts. Her eyes are full of sadness and hurt. "It was, yes, but please don't blame yourself." "Why shouldn't I? He was my husband. No one else's. He was my responsibility." She suddenly gets quite angry and defensive. I try holding on to her hand but she pulls it out of my grasp. "Please go. I-I need some time, Emily. Time to think. Please." She asks. My face falls but I respect her wishes. Penelope looks sad but she pushes my wheelchair out of the room and we just wait in the hallway, not sure what to do.

"Garcia, please don't tell the rest of the team about this. Not yet. Just let me handle it, okay?" I ask her. She nods as a single tear rolls down her cheek. "I'll just let them know that she's awake." She says and slowly walks away. I lean back in my wheelchair and just let the tears fall. There's no point trying to keep them in now. I knew that she would do this, she would blame herself even though she did nothing wrong. And now I've made her feel worse.

{JENNIFER}

It's all my fault. Everything. If I hadn't asked Will for a divorce and if I hadn't told him about Emily then none of this would have happened. Emily's in a wheelchair with a broken arm and I almost died, apparently. I...Maybe I'm just not cut out for being in a relationship. Maybe I should just stay single and save everyone the trouble.

I'm so lost in thought that I don't notice the doctor talking to me. "Ms Jareau?" "Sorry, what were you saying?" "We're going to keep you for the next week, but if all goes well then you can go home afterwards. Avoid stress as much as you can and you'll need some time off work." He says. I nod, not paying too much attention. "How much time?" "About two months. Your head needs time to heal and relax." "Fine. Is that all?" I ask, starting to fidget. "Are you alright? Can I get anyone for you?" He asks, putting the chart away. "No. Just, if that's all, can you leave please?" I say, not trying to be rude but starting to get irritated. He nods and leaves the room. As soon as the door closes, I burst into tears. I put Emily in terrible danger and there was no excuse for that. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt her and I did. How will she be able to trust me after this? I don't trust myself. And now I'm stuck at home for the next two months and who knows how Emily's going to manage with her arm in a cast. 

There's a knock on the door and I don't respond but it opens anyway. It's not Emily, it's Morgan. I quickly wipe my eyes as he approaches. "JJ..." "I'm so sorry." I interrupt. I get the feeling that I'll be apologising for a long time. "Jennifer I'm sorry for blaming you. It's not your fault." He says. I shrug. "You had every right to. It was my fault, it was all my fault." "Will was obsessional, he wanted to get close to you again, and he used Emily to hurt you." "Derek, I made Emily a target. If I hadn't gotten involved... God she must hate me." He shakes his head. "No, she doesn't. JJ, she loves you, she really does." "Well she shouldn't. It's a curse." I respond. He definitely didn't expect me to say it, but I can be pretty stubborn sometimes. "Look, just don't lose hope too soon, okay. We're all here for you and Emily, and I know you'll work it out." He says, realising that there's not much else he can say to cheer me up. 

I stare at the wall in front of me as he quietly leaves and bring my knees up to my chest. I have a lot to think about and it's making my head ache, but I need to do what's best for Emily. I need to let her go.