Love Notes

14- Talk to Me

When the couple went back to Beyoncé's place after their kiss they sat in silence for a while. Beyoncé studied Michelle intensely looking for her to relax so that they could have a serious conversation. She could clearly see that Michelle was dealing with some heavy emotions. Michelle didn't know how to approach the topic of what she needed to say.

"Tenitra come sit next to me. Talk to me babe. I want to know what's on your mind."

"Baby, I..." she sighed as she gathered her thoughts.

"Slow that brain of yours down and just speak from your heart. I know you'd much rather write it down but I need to hear you speak about what happened. I know it's hard but that's why I'm here."

Beyoncé used her right index finger tip to lift Michelle's chin and look in her eyes. Both women licked their lips but not in a sexual way. For Beyoncé it was a habit and for Michelle she was buying a little more time.

"My insecurities started the night my parents died. I felt like everyone that I love would leave me. For years after their deaths I pushed Auntie and my cousins away. I thought that if I didn't love anyone they couldn't hurt me by leaving. When I got to be around 13 Auntie sent me to a therapist. First it was by myself and later it was me and Auntie together. The therapist was able to explain my emotions and feelings better than I could. That's when I began to write my deepest feelings down instead of speaking them. What I realize now is that I need to speak how I feel especially with you. You are my mate and I need to be able to communicate without shutting down. That therapist from my childhood helped me but writing became my crutch. Auntie understood but she also would make me speak my feelings.

After my trauma I never really spoke about it. It happened I healed, well at least I thought I healed. All I really did was lock away my feelings towards it in my diary. In college my first year I had a breakdown because I felt like I lacked communication skills. Which I now know that I did and still do to some extent. After that while still in school I began to push myself to garner those social skills and it worked. I made a few new friends and finished my degree. I always wondered back then why I could talk to children so easily but not adults. Now in the present I know why my brain was still stuck in that childlike mindset of not expressing who I was.

Once I began teaching I met Armour and we hit it off really well. Our first two years of dating were good, we had our ups and downs. We were engaged after our second anniversary. That third year together was when you joined the church and choir. Here's the short version of a long story. Amour cheated on me with a man. All the times she said she was working her other job or she had something to do she was with him. When she got caught she had the nerve to say she loved us both. I gave her back the ring and walked away but my trust issues came back again. I trusted no one and didn't for a long time after.

I began a relationship with you without putting my issues in check. I heard one simple ending of a conversation that I now know was probably Kelly and my insecurities kicked right in. So iced you out, believing that you didn't want me and were cheating on me. Then I didn't communicate with you at all, hurting you. If I could take that away I would.

Seeing my new therapist, I brought my concerns, and together we are working on me being able to trust and communicate better. Beyoncé I don't ever want to be apart from you again. Especially not for a month, that was way too long. I am so beyond grateful and thankful to have you in my life. I meant what I said too I wouldn't have asked you to marry me if I didn't want you. I really want all of you, I want to share your hopes, dreams, passions, love and more. I want our kids. I want another dog. I want the house with room to grow. I want to carry our baby and feel him or her grow within me. I want all that and more with you and only you. We are like a pair of Converse Chuck Taylor's, we get better with time. So allow me to have this time and share a fulfilling life with you."