Hiding in the Shadows

45. Twisted Sisters

"Hey! You're home." Cristina said as Meredith came into the kitchen the next morning. Her eyes narrowed as she saw her. "Why have you been crying?"

Meredith looked at her.

"You were right about Derek." She admitted.

"I will kill him." Cristina growled, getting to her feet.

Meredith put her hand on her friend's arm to stop her.

"Don't. I knew the risk with getting emotionally involved. I ignored it and this is what happened."

'Which is what exactly?" Cristina asked.

"He doesn't want me." Meredith admitted, tears clouding her vision.

Cristina uncharacteristically put her arms around Meredith and rubbed her hand down her back.

"Well he is a fucking idiot. You don't need him. You can have anyone you want. Several people at the hospital would give their right hands to go out with you, men and women alike. Which do you prefer?" Cristina asked.

Meredith giggled.

"If I wanted a woman, I would just experiment with you." Meredith responded.

"Sorry, I don't do vagina, but thanks for the offer. Izzie might be willing."

"I would get sugar shock." Meredith joked.

The both laughed for a moment.

"Well, if you don't want me either then take your hands off of me, I am obviously easily impressionable and see things that are not there." Meredith said, just slightly joking.

"Meredith, if I was a lesbian, you would be the first person I would screw." Cristina said seriously.

"I know. I love you Cristina Yang." Meredith said.

Cristina rolled her eyes.

"Sometimes, I wonder about you Mer. Are you going to be okay?" She asked.

"Yes. I am. He made his choice and it wasn't me. He is really messed up and I hope that one day he finds happiness with someone."

"How can you be so...understanding about this? I would hate him and I would show it by slicing his tires and breaking out all of his windows and shit."

"I can't hate him. I fell in love with him Cris. And that doesn't stop just because he is an idiot and a coward and a moron and a brainless brain surgeon. He is broken. I feel so bad for him." Meredith whispered.

"I am just pissed off." Cristina said. "What are you going to do? Are you going to wait for him to come to his senses? He is fucked up Mer, that could take years. Your ovaries may be shriveled up before then."

"No. I am not going to wait for him. I can't. I have spent too much time hiding within myself and I need to make myself happy. I am just now finding out who I am and I need to concentrate on me right now."

"What happened to him Mer? To make him like this?" Cristina asked.

"That is not my story to tell. I won't betray his confindence, but there is something I have to tell you about me." Meredith said.

She took a deep breath and poured her heart out to her best friend, her person. She watched as Cristina's face reflected first curiosity, then horror, then anger and finally understanding.

"Why didn't you tell me before? I am your person. I would have helped you." Cristina asked, her voice clogged with emotion.

"I had to face it myself. Derek helped me do that. He doesn't know that but by him being more fucked up than I was helped immensely."

"Does he know about Boston?"

"Yes. Please don't get mad that I told him first. I needed to show him that I kind of knew where he was coming from. We were both betrayed in a horrible way."

Cristina nodded.

"Well, damn. I don't know who I want to kill more...Derek, Matt or your Mother."

"Do me a favor...stay out of jail. I need your half of the rent." Meredith joked. "Seriously, just be here for me."

"Always." Cristina promised, grasping her hand as they sat in silence.

*********************************************

Derek awoke the next day, hung over. He stole a glance at the clock.

2:30pm

Derek groaned. He felt like shit and not just because of the alcohol.

He had told the most captivating, beautiful, wonderful woman who he had ever known that he didn't want her and that basically no one would ever love her. What kind of monster was he?

One who was damaged and full of self loathing.

He had stood there last night and told her that he had used her and what did she say?

That he was a coward but that she prayed that he could be happy with another woman and that she appreciated his honesty, no matter how much he had hurt her.

Derek laughed bitterly.

Seriously?

Honesty?

Not even close.

If he forced himself to be honest, then he would have told her that he had never felt like this before, that every time he looked at her he lost his breath and his heart beat uncontrollably, that just breathing her in gave him a hard on, that every time she smiled he felt lighter, happier.

But he couldn't be honest not with her. She had her whole life in front of her and she didn't need to be stuck dealing with his demons. She needed to find a normal man who could love her openly and freely and she needed to have children and not be worried that her husband was so damaged that he may not be there the next day. She needed to have a quarantee of happiness.

He couldn't give that to her and he refused to be responsible for breaking her spirit.

Of course, if he was honest...he would admit that the thought of her with someone else killed him.

If he was being honest...

But he wasn't.

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More chapters tomorrow or I may post 5 more later will see 😏