The Missing Soul

Face The Music

        I looked for answers. I tried interpreting my dreams, I even tried lucid dreaming.... Weeks passed.... All the dreams were just becoming worse and each horrible nightmare I had to endure felt like I was getting closer and closer to death. 

        How do I go against a force I can't see? How do I avoid unexplainable events that never stop repeating? What do I do?

        I had been in room lately, only leaving to go to school. I'm always recieving a stare that never ends from Paul everytime he passes me on his bike. 

        I guess Leland was my boyfriend. A boyfriend I hardly kiss, get held by, or even so much as holding hands. He tells me he loves me all the time, and I say I love him back, well, because I do.

       If you try to change the world's future for one person, you do love them. I love him, I mean goodness gracious, I had barely knew Leland and he told me he watched me die before his eyes and he's loved me in every life he's lived. And I believed him, I still do.

        I understand why Leland doesn't give me too much affection, he's afraid. Afraid of losing me again, afraid just for me. The only thing I know for sure is Leland's and my knowledge of what's going on.  I haven't heard what Paul knows.... On how he thinks about it. Hell, he might know more than Leland. After all, I am the one he's suposed to be with.  

        Which was why I was slowly, ever so slowy, walking to Paul's house. I told my mom I was going to a friend's house, which she took it as I was going to Leland's. (She teases me because I'm shy to mention Leland to her.) 

        Leland wasn't even aware I was going to Paul's. I didn't want him to worry or anything. I mean I don't want Paul, I just want to know if he knows more. I want answers!

        Before I'm almost at the corner, Paul is riding his bike. He gives me that forever-stare he always did and I waved at him. I guess he didn't get the hint that I meant stopped. I yelled his name and he immediatly stopped his bike. The tire skidded on the concrete making a loud screeching sound. I walked to where he stopped.

        "Paul..... I need to talk to you." 

        "I knew you were going to stop me and talk to me today. That's why I made it just on time, but I rubbed it in by making you have to yell for me." He smirked.

        Geez what a punk. Seems like a good sign, though.

        "How did you know that?"

        "You don't understand my true feelings on you, May. Yeah, Leland has loved you since the beginning, still, I have too." 

        I looked down at my feet. "That's what I want to talk about. Sort of. I want answers." 

        "Why? So I can help you on your useless adventure to be with that guy? No way! I'm aware of how the outcome will turn out." He laughed out loud."You're just so fucking persistent."

        We went to a park. It's not that far, probably just five minutes away.The walk there was long and serious filled talking. Once I got all my answers, I went home.

        Well, now I'm at home. I ate dinner with mom pretending not to be thinking about how I might just die one of these days and my mother would never know what happened. I wondered about how many other mother's or father's that lost their beloved daughter and still have no idea what happened. No idea if she was alive and ran away, if she'd been kidnapped, or if she were lying dead somewhere.

        "I've always loved you and it always killed me to see you with him. And when no one could find any trace of where you gone, I knew."  I told him about Leland not realizing what was going on until after his life kept repeating. 

        "I always knew. In every life I knew you were supposed to be mine, but you weren't going to be. I knew you'd die. There's some things Leland doesn't remember, some lives he doesn't know he's lived. I remember every life I lived. One trait you have carried in every life is you're so headstrong.  I remember there was another life, with you and him. You was Sarai and he was Ben. Sarai swore on her life that she would do anything to be with Ben. Sarai even tried killing someone... Me. I was Thomas. Before Sarai could get the knife across Thomas's neck she slowly faded away. The details are a little gruesome. You were screaming, claiming all you see is darkness. A hundred years later you tried another way. To live in blissfully in the after life with the forbidden lover. You both tried killing yourselves. Not to sure on the details, I wasn't there, I do know that he lived and there was no trace of you anymore. Every hundred years or so you figure out the truth, you want to change it and you never achieve. Don't you see, May? Leland and I always end up with the broken heart and it will keep going. This time it needs to be you with the broken heart. So, you have a choice. You can keep continuing this never ending cyle or you can be with me and live."

        What if all he said was true? What if there was no end to this? I don't know why, I have this fear. Fear of being reborn over and over again and having the same fate. The fear of living a different life and not knowing what my strong will would get me into. Not only just me. What about Leland? How did he feel? He probably hates the fact that he just can't be with a girl he truly loves. And Paul. Paul was stuck in the middle too. He also has to hate it that he's never the first choice and he knows how it'll always end. What about my other families too? Did I have grandparents, aunts, cousins, sisters, or brothers that mourned me? That prayed everyday to figure out what happened to their beloved granddaughter/daughter/niece/cousin/sister. 

        And Paul is right. Well, I think he is. He knew I was going to see him, he was blessed with the power of knowing me. Knowing my every move, knowing what actions I would make. There is no doubt in my mind he's telling me the truth. Today I seen a different side of Paul. 

        I felt my heart telling me that Paul did love me. He is just as afraid of losing me as Leland is. He's afraid for my future too. This isn't fair! I love Leland and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I knew the phrase "life isn't fair, get used to it." I didn't take it this literally or even think to think of it like this. Does this mean I won't get the happy ending that I wish to have?I have died for in my past lives for the happy ending I desire.

        Yes, I have two choices. How do I make up my mind on something so unexplainable like this? I wish the answer was in front of me. I wish I didn't even have to pick one of the horrible choices. I have to face the music: I'll never actually be with Leland. I was never meant to be with Leland. I was the one breaking the rules and paying for it along with everyone else around me. Geez, life really isnt fair.