The Missing Soul

Make Me Understand

        Why? Why? Why?! Why couldn't Leland just tell me? Why did my feelings and I have to be shut out in the dark? You wouldn't understand! The moment when he said that just kept flashing back in my mind. 

        My mom is Harper Jensen, an accountant for a bank. A bright, strong woman who puts her blood, sweat, and tears in everything she does. I'd never met my dad nor did I care to. He was crazier than hell to leave a woman like my mother. My mom is a bubbly and happy person. Her and I have always been close, I told her everything... But, not today. When I came home she knew something was disstressing me, still after all her questions like "What's the matter?" "What has your panties in a bunch?" I told her, "It's nothing, mom. Just a project that's a little stressful."

        I was so glad it was Friday and I had the weekand to look forward to. Even though I had no plans at least I could be away from all the snotty kids at school. It was 8:00 P.M. and I was pacing back and forth thinking of Leland. All I could do was try to make excuses for why he didn't say "Oh, May, I like you too! Let's be together and ride off on my white horse to the sunset!" Unfortunately, life isn't about getting that "happy ending" and it sure as hell isn't a movie. 

      The only thing that seem to put my mind at ease was to take a long, hot shower. I felt exhausted from trying to run after Leland. Leland, I'm thinking of you. I wonder if I'm on your mind or if I can just be brushed off your shoulder like dust. 

     

          I'm finally going to have a baby! A beautiful baby. When I felt the warmness of sperm shoot inside me, I closed my eyes. But, oh God! I feel like I'm drowing! I can feel myself being taking away. Why can't I see anything? My lungs are burning and darkness engulfs me. Where am I? I tried screaming but there is no sound. There is no noise, no light, nothing. Then I know I'm gone. 

        I shot straight up from my bed. I looked around my bedroom and it was morning. I put my hands over my face and shook my head. What the hell was up with that weird dream? Who cares? Dreams are just the subconscious thoughts, that's all. I got up and put on a cute white, red-polka dot dress and little white shoes.

        I'm not a stalker, I'm just going to wow Leland with my looks. I mean because really, I'm not THAT bad. I have brown hair that reaches my waist, green eyes, and I'm curvy. I have a good smile too, my teeth aren't crooked and I don't smoke so they're really white. 

        I made my way down the steps and to the front door, but before I can make outside my mom stops me. "May, honey, where are you going? Don't you want breakfast?" She is always so concerned for me. That's ok, I'm thankful for a mom like her. I'm smiled and gave her a hug. "No, mom. I'm just going out for a little bit. I'll be back." I went out the door and walked along the sidewalk. 

        As I'm walking I'm thinking of how I can talk to Leland or how I'm going to even approach him. Maybe yesterday wasn't a good day for him so I'll just try it again. My mom always said things like "May, you need to calm down. You're way too persistent." Well, like I've said; I've never had a big interest in the boyfriend and girlfriend thing. I felt different towards Leland. As I'm walking I hear a loud screeching sound behind me. I quickly spin around to see a boy on his bike trying to stop. 

        I jumped off the sidewalk and the bike tire hit a rock causing him to fall off the bike. "Dammit! Are you ok?" His elbow was all scratched up. At least he's wearing a helmet. I stood there examining him. He wasn't too bad for the eye. He had golden hair, with blue eyes less brighter than Leland's, and just by looking at him you could tell he was in shape. When I stopped looking at him, he was still rambling. "I'm really sorry. Are you ok?" I shook myself out of my own daze. "Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry I was in your way." I continued walking along but once again he stopped me. 

        "So, that's it? Sorry I was in your way. You know everybody meets for a reason." I stopped and turned to face him. "You was in my way for a reason. I always ride my bike this way at the same time and I've never seen you." I smiled at him and giggled. "Yeah, but I wasn't walking out to see you. I'm going to meet someone else." I continued again only for him to cut my way off with his bike. I put my hands on my hips and gave him a rude look. He mimicked me. "Seriously? I have somewhere to be!" I moved around him and took off sprinting. "I have a bike, you know!" He called from behind me. 

        When I finally made it to the path I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. This is it. As soon as I lifted my foot up to take a step forward, there he was the boy on the bike. "You just going to walk into the woods? By yourself?" Ok, this boy was making me mad. "Yes! What's it to you?" I resumed walking and he just rode his bike behind me. I didn't care,if Leland saw him he might get jealous and make him go away. I grinned. Right before we reached the opening he called out, "I'll see you again!" I turned around and he was riding away.

        I was about to resume my way to Leland's when I notice Leland was making his way towards me. "Leland!" I shouted. His shoulders were tensed. "What are you doing here, May?" I shrugged my shoulders. "Oh, I don't know...Hmm... Maybe because I like you!" He rolled his eyes. "What about that boy? Do you like him, too?" Damn. Did he seriously think I was like that? "Leland, no. He almost crashed into me and he wouldn't leave me alone until I got here." Leland shook his head. "It doesn't matter. You need to go." Tears almost came pouring out. I'm giving my all to let him know I really like him and he's just brushing me off. 

        "No! I'm not leaving! What about my feelings?" Tears were flowing out of my eyes. I couldn't help it. He was being so mean. Leland put his hand over his face and sighed. "May... I'm sorry but you won't understand." There he goes again with that. I don't care, my feelings are involved, too. "Make me understand!" He stood directly in front of me. "Ok, you want to know so bad? May... You was my wife in many past lifes."