𝐈 𝐑𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐁𝐄𝐑 𝐘𝐎𝐔 || ꜱ. ᴀɪᴢᴀᴡᴀ

Reach

   I don't know where I was going.

Somewhere.

Anywhere away from Kitsu- just for a moment. Just so that I could take a breath and remind myself to focus on the bigger picture rather than solely on her.

So I did the first thing that came to mind, after making sure I was far enough away from my psychotic sister's eyes, I went to town on the nearest tree.

Anger management 101. Hit something.

Unfortunately, that tree was the something in question.

"Mother- Fucking- Time- Rift- Bullshit-" I pummeled into the tree bark, immediately regretting it as the skin on my knuckles ripped, but welcoming the distraction either way.

It wasn't long before I found myself on my ass, the back of my head pressed against the tree trunk, blinding anger quickly dissipating into frustration as I held my head in my hands, my hand finding purchase in my hair as I racked my brain for any way to leave.

"Why did you leave?"

I lifted my head, half-expecting someone to be directing their question at me, but that was just wishful thinking. I shouldn't have got my hopes up.

"I don't know what I'm really expecting, it's not like you're going to answer."

The voice was all too familiar. The one I had gotten so used to hearing every morning when I woke up, every night when I fell asleep nestled into his embrace.

The one person that made me feel truly safe.

"I don't want to do this... I don't want to go in there and listen to how wonderful of a person you were- because it just makes this seem so final. I know that you're wonderful, I know how brave you are, because I saw those things in you every day. I saw how amazing you were every fucking day- and now I don't get to see that ever again."

There wasn't just sadness in his voice, there was pain. A pain that struck deep within me, as if every word was aimed straight at my heart.

What made it worse, was that there was nothing I could do about it. There was no way I could tell him I was here.

I'd tried with so many people and no one could see me, I would be naive to think it would change now.

My mother had seen me, but that had felt so separate- almost as if it hadn't really happened.

I wasn't one to give up this easily, but there was so much of me that was willing myself to not try, to not get my hopes up. He wasn't going to see me.

I tilted my head up, looking at the sky, knowing that if my eyes found Shota, I'd shatter to pieces once more- and this time, he wouldn't be there to pick up the pieces as he had done before, because this time, he was about to shatter too.

We were both about to break and we weren't able to fix each other.

"You'd probably say something witty about how I should get over myself and just do it. But I can't. I tried. I just... can't."

He took in a shaky breath and I wrapped my arms around myself, tapping my foot against the ground in a constant rhythm.

"We're anything but perfect. You said that y/n, but you know that you were perfect to me? It's stupid, it feels so unreal- like at any moment you're going to jump out of a fucking bush or something and tell me that it's all a joke."

I heard him chuckle lightly, making me smile slightly in turn, tears pooling in my eyes.

"I wish you'd do that. I wouldn't even be mad, I... I don't know what I'd do. Hold you? Never let go? The last time I let you go, you never came back."

He wasn't laughing anymore.

Instead, he cried.

He cried.

And even though I'd heard it before, in the early hours of the morning when he thought I was asleep, when I'd ask him what was wrong and he'd always deflect the question. But even then, that didn't do anything to stop the sound from triggering my own cries.

"She's okay. I know you'd want to hear that. Eri's okay."

I let out a sob, clamping my hand over my mouth, knowing that if I was too loud, Kitsu would hear and know she'd won. I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing she'd broken me.

But she's okay.

They got her out.

"It's funny, because, she doesn't even know she's your daughter. She calls you the angel lady."

"Has a nice ring to it," I breathed out.

"She doesn't know you're gone. She feels so guilty already, everyone said it would be best... heh... reminds me of someone... it hurts, it hurts every time she asks if she can-" He sucked in a shaky breath, "- if she can see you. I don't know what to say, but she's smart. I think she's worked it out. It doesn't help that I nearly break down whenever I hear someone say your name... Why did you have to leave me...? Why did you have to leave me sunflower?"

Sunflower...

I pushed myself up, running my back along the bark as I stood up finally letting my eyes latch on to Shota.

He stood in the middle of the grass, looking forward at nothing in imparticular, in the suit he wore on the date he first called me Sunflower.

Ignoring that part of me that told me this was useless, I walked forward, so that we both faced each other, and though his eyes didn't meet mine, I continued to look into his.

"Scarfy... I'm coming back." I whispered, placing my hand on his cheek and for the briefest of moments, I thought I saw him look at me.

But then again, when you want something that badly, it's even harder to reach.

Because even though we were so close, we had never felt so alone.