The Distance Between Our Love

Vera.

All the things that had created me, had all once originated from him. I've learned to love the way he had hummed along to music in the car, or the way he had made a room full of people laugh. I had learned to love the way he always brought others up, even if he was the one to be put down. I have learned to love the songs that he loved. I have grown to love with a heart only purest could expect.
Maybe I hadn't had just loved him, but I had loved him so much, I had started to see myself within his reflection. I had began to become the person I was happiest as, with the person I was happiest with. I am a walking version of a dead spirit, a changed man.
How am I supposed to live my life when the person I was supposed to spend it with is no longer the same person? You're still the same boy, you look the same, but this isn't you. This isn't the person I had fallen in love with.There's no reflection of myself within you no longer. I am still she, he is no longer he.
Who am I? How do I love somebody else when I am a breathing model of what our love was at one point? Where did you go? How do I look at you, when you're the boy I fell in love with? When did you change? This is not the boy I fell in love with. This isn't supposed to be us.
We were inseparable, the closest of close could be, and here and there, I'll see it. I see him, shining inside of you, time slows. Then the the realizations hit; The questions return.
Why is he like this? How could he do this to me? To us? Do I wait, and be in pain longer, with the slightest chance of us, or do I not? Do I leave or do I stay? This has no longer what it once was. The thought of waiting aches my heart, that only wanted to be loved, not by anybody, but by the boy that was once within. Maybe he's still in there, somewhere within the debts of his damaged heart that I thought I had fixed.
I'll stay here, Right here. Stuck in this position, I know it'll only hurt me more, but I still cant find the heart to leave what once was. I stay. I tell myself the same every passing day; "Just One More Day," " Just One Last Memory," " One Last Goodbye."
I never was good at goodbyes. Yes, Ive been though more than most can say they have, but it still hurts. The day I thought I would never have to long is along the horizon. I love you, How could I ever even think about leaving? Do I even love You? Or do I love him, the version of you in which I fell in love with? Him. I love him. He was happy, sweet, I remember it all as if I were to still be living it. I remember his smile, his dimples. I remember when he laughed, It were almost as if it was at his own jokes more than others. I remember every single moment, every single memory. When we were together it were as if nothing else in the world mattered except us.
Us. It always had such a nice ring to it. You and me against the world, against all. In reality, maybe it was just me all along, craving for the slightest bit of attention. Desiring to be loved. Dreaming of our life when you weren't even alongside me when you claimed you were. Maybe I was alone, maybe not, but whatever we had is gone. Lost. Nowhere to be found, only memories.
Where did the moments go? How come I had only realized the moments would be memories, after we had stopped creating it? How come we only feel the past when its over? Maybe I knew what I had, I just had never thought the day would come where I'd lose it.
"Forever." My heart had told me. If forever were true, why doesn't he love me? Does he? he made my heart speak to me, he made me feel most myself, or maybe I was slowly becoming a version of him. A kept time. A sacred person, lost. Another person, one who learned to love what made him, him. One who felt comfort at most within her own soul, or was it just a copy of another's?
How do I learn to love myself, if it was best within you, if I Am you? Within the mirror I see her, Myself, but within my heart, she's not to be seen. I don't even recognize myself, how am I supposed to recognize him? A thought is brought to my head. My stomach churns; What if he wasn't the one who changed? What if I was?
I flinch, opening my eyes to the sound of my name.
"Vera. It's Like 8 pm-"
I lift my head from my binder, looking around. Everything comes back to me; I was supposed to be studying with Noah, not napping. A wave of dizziness rushes over me, I hold my head.
"How long have I been asleep?" I turn to noah, who was sitting on the bed across the room from the desk I was sitting at.
"About- Maybe- 15 minutes?" He replies, his eyes fixed on me. Before I get the chance to say something further he interrupts.
"Are you alright? We can always study tomorrow." He sounded concerned, as if there were something to be concerned about. My head is filled with so many thoughts, like a hit to the head. Has he never seen me this way? Am I becoming a stranger to him too? "Vera!" He snaps his fingers at me, I zone back in, my attention now on him.
" Seriously- Its not that big of a deal, Ill take you home and we can finish this tomor-"
" Its fine, Noah." I interrupted. After the words escape my mouth, I regret them. I know he was only trying to help, but pretending to care never helps. People only ask out of pity or sorrow. Had Noah actually cared? I flee the thought away. That's what Greyson does, Acts as if he's there for me, then the moment I need him I realize he's never truly there.
He looks back down at his paper, disappointment on his face. I stare back down at mine, pretending as if I were looking it over. How do I do anything? How do I get anything done? Why is my head so crowded? So full? I can feel my head starting to drop, My eyelids slowly shutting, but my mind keeps wandering. My mind sets on Noahs face, the moment after I had turned him down. He was helping, or at least attempting to. I cant believe I've known him longest, yet it feels as if we are drifting apart. Ive known him for the past 12 years of my life, he's the person I used to always see myself coming to, what happened? Noah is the boy everybody wants to be around. He's perfect, why would he want to be around me? I feel the same about Greyson.
I can feel my head on the desk, I don't manage to move, instead I embrace it. Most nights I cant sleep because I Know when the morning comes I'll throw on a smile and a fake " I'm fine, Thank you!" act. The very few hours I get of sleep at night are just constant reminders, by morning I'm still the same girl, the one that fell in love with a liar.
I remember every moment, every mark he had planted on my body. To the world, the school, the newspapers, the parents, the students, he's just the popular athlete. 'Jock Boy' As they call him. Who would have known the monster he had inside of him? I don't even think he knew the demons he had held within his hand, the bottle. I never knew such terrible things could hide behind such a charming smile. I promised myself not to speak a word of this to anybody. Not even Noah, who I had trusted most. Every time he had raised his voice, or fist in anger, it was like a stab to the heart. I caught myself often defending him for what I know is wrong, but for what I cant seem to let go for. A colored ring wrapped around my wrist, 4 weeks and 5 days ago. He had grabbed me when I tried to walk off. A grey tinted mark on the left side of my neck, usually covered up from concealer, hidden from public eye. A purple bruise stretching across my shoulder, down to my back. That was the worst he's yet to place. Nobody knows. Nobody can know. All the memories, those are the ones I chose to circle back to. Actually no, I don't chose to circle back to them. They just hit me. In class, driving, at dinner, even with Noah. They're always present, Like weight on my back. I couldn't imagine the pain Greyson would put me through if I had told a soul. Covering clothes and orange-discolored makeup have become perfect for hiding it, hiding from the truth; the harsh reality. Maybe thats his way of showing his love?
My mother was never very fond of Greyson anyways, but this, she never would have thought this would happen. Nobody would.
I feel the draining feeling, its happening again. Greysons here.
" ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" I inched away, terrified of what he might do next. He aggressively grabbed my face, looking down at me. His breath had reeked of alcohol. A lot of it. he could barley walk, and here he was, controlling me? " You are weak. Do you hear me? WEAK!" He raised his voice, I flinched every time he had done it. I would assume I would have gotten used to it by now, but no. I'm too scared. Not a word could escape my mouth. " You are a COWARD! A COWARD! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!"I was confused on what he was talking about, but I had never spoken up, in fear of what he might do. He raised his fist, but this time it didn't come down on me. As I looked around I notice we were backed into the corner, I had no place left to go. I felt so alone. " Good thing Noah Likes you, that makes one of us." His tone had changed from anger to disgust as he looked down upon me as if I were helpless, which, I was. " I- I- I didn't- I didn't d-do anything w-w-with him I- I promise!" I shook, holding back tears. I slowly backed away from him. My back had touched the wall, I was now cornered. I remember feeling so lost, I was there, but I was so lost. "Okay then. if you and him haven't done anything then how do you explain all the nights you've been gone?" He stepped forward, we were inches apart, so close, yet I felt so distant. " I- I don't know- We've been hanging out and-" He interrupted. " Save me the excuses, why don't you. So now you're a Cheater and a liar." He stopped for a moment, I could see pain in his eyes. The next moment I was on the floor, sobbing. The time In between was a blur. I was violently shoved into the wall, then on the floor crying as I watched him walk away. I still loved him, as much as it had hurt me, I still loved him.
I jolted awake at the memory of being thrown, my heart racing. I look around frantically as I caught my breath. Noahs head turned, he stared, confused.
" Bad dream?" He was still studying, except now he was at the desk, I was in his bed. I nodded, choking back tears.
"W- what time is it?" I tried to change the subject, distracting myself.
He took a moment to glare at his watch, then he replied.
" Nearly 2 am."
" You're still studying?"
He nodded, looking back at his paper.
" Thank you-" I blurted out.
He turned back around, but this time he turned his body toward me too.
" For?"
" Well- I don't remember Walking over to your bed, and a certainly don't remember falling asleep in it." I giggled, completely forgetting about the terrors of my dream minutes before.
" Oh." I could see his face light up. "Don't mention it." He brushed it off.
I smiled at him. I started to remember the memory as the smile had faded into a blank face. I tried my hardest to hide my emotions. I should have tried harder.
" Vera?" He dazed at me, concerned.
" Hmm?" I looked back up at him.
" I know earlier you said you were alright- But I just would like to ask again- and I-I mean no pressure- I just- I genuinely wanted to know."
I looked down at the floor, not answering. I didn't want to lie to him, but I also couldn't tell him what had been happening.
" I'm sorry- I shouldn't have asked." His voice got quieter as if he were upset at himself. Upset for asking.
" No! No! Don't be sorry- I just- I'm not really- Having a good- d- day?" I lied. I hated lying, especially to Noah, but else could I have done? if i would have showed him or even whispered one word about my interactions with Greyson, I'm sure he wouldn't toss it to the side. He wouldn't have let Greyson hurt me. He wouldn't forgive himself for not noticing sooner.
I teared up.
" Hey.. hey.." He stood. " Talk to me." he walked over to the bed, keeping eye contact.
My eyes followed him across the room. I Couldn't talk. I knew if I would have told him about my day it would have to include the dream. I didn't want to risk it. I started crying.
He slid into the bed beside me. He sat me up, then he held me to his chest. I started to cry harder, he had no clue what was going on. he thought everything was fine. He thought I was fine.
" Shh.. Its alright. Its alright. I'm right here." He whispered, holding me.
I never thought I'd be sobbing into Noahs shoulder. I never thought I'd ever cry to Noah. Everything stopped. The world stopped. Nothing else mattered. I was in Noahs arms and for the first time Ever. I felt safe. When Greyson and I touch, a chill goes down my spine, but now, now it was a peaceful. Everybody's touch had felt so cold, but Noahs had felt warm. It had felt right. I never wanted him to let me go. Noah held me for the next two hours, neither of us could sleep. I was too busy crying, he was too busy trying his hardest to comfort me. After a while, everything got quiet. I stopped crying. I had felt numb. I could feel one hand rubbing my back, the other stroking my hair. I relaxed in his arms. I had felt safe. The tears had dried. I stared at the wall, trying to gather my thoughts. Things were silent.