The Distance Between Our Love

Noah.

My world collapsed.
My heart, which had started to build a future with Vera, shattered into pieces inside of my chest.
I could feel the ache.
My hand met my chest, hand over heart. How could my heart still be beating after such tragedy? How could I still be alive? I lived for loving her and her only. Everything feels wrong. I wanted to live a life with her, nobody else, nothing else, just Vera. My love, Vera. How am I supposed to live knowing my purpose is gone? To know she's no longer my love? At least before she started to love me, we were best friends, I still had her. I could still make her smile, or make her laugh when she was upset. Now, I'm across the country and its over. Over. Its all Over.
" Cmon, lets go eat ice cream and cry to depressing movies."
Lauren latched onto my arm.
" Lauren, I just want to be alone right now." I held back tears, staring at the floor.
" Noah, cmon! It'll take your mind off of the fact that your girlfriend just broke up with you!"
She tugged on my arm.
" Lauren, I said go!" I snapped, raising my voice a little.
" Noah! Geez. No need to be so uptight." She shrugged and walked off, slamming the door behind her.
A few moments later the door bursted open, there in the frame stood Lauren holding a tub of ice cream and two spoons.
" If you wouldn't leave- I thought I'd just bring it to you."
She wouldn't leave me alone, and somehow a part of me knew she wouldn't give up. I caved in. Her eyes, somewhat like Veras, and her laugh, which sounded nothing like Veras, I convinced myself did. I convinced myself that she was Vera. Maybe it was because I just wanted Vera. Only Vera. I wanted my love, of course she's the one thing I cant have. I could live my life two ways; 1, longing over a girl I lost long ago. Or 2, learn to love something other than that girl.
I don't know if having Lauren here will break me more because she's a constant reminder of what I want, or if having here will partially satisfy the need for love. The only problem is; the only love I could ever need was Veras.
I would give up my world for Vera to have hers. I would do anything for her. I would do anything to be hers; To be Vera's, and for Vera to be mine, to have each other. Us. For the rest of our lives, just Vera and I.
I sighed as Lauren sat on the bed beside me. She handed me a spoon and opened the container, scooping some out with her own spoon. She tilted the container to me, I pushed it away.
Now I understand why Vera could never eat. The feeling she told me about, the emptiness. The heartache. The pain. The torture. The guilt. The void that filled your chest, I could hear my breathing, but with every breath I wished more and more I wouldn't. The void took over, guilt filling every ounce of my blood. My heart drew cold, not understanding how she could just let go so easily.
What could we have been? Why did she let go? What would have happened if she didn't?
"So.. Tell me about her." Lauren sighed, filling the room with her squeaky-high pitched voice.
This was the last thing I wanted to do, but as long as I imagined her as the girl I loved, maybe for just a moment I'll believe it. Maybe for just one moment it'll be what my heart craves. Vera. Maybe for just one second the emptiness will be gone, the plain would stop echoing. Maybe I wouldn't be alone.
I stared into her green eyes, which had looked like Veras when she had stared into the sun. I think, knowing i'll regret this later, I can no longer control my emotions.
I shoved the ice cream container back onto the bed, grabbing Lauren, pulling her close, just as I had done to Vera.
" Noah- I- I knew you felt the same way-" She smiled.
I didn't, I really didn't. I couldn't tell her that, so instead, I kissed her.
My mind wondered to my happy place, Vera. I imagined her sitting on the sofa at my house, with my parents. Back to when we'd all watch movies, I'd hold her. The way our body heat had combined. The way we loved each other, Loved. Past tense.
. . .
March 2nd, 2016, 2 years later.

Vera and I have been broken up over two years. I started dating Lauren  a couple weeks after the breakup. I acted as though it hadn't effected me, when deep down, inside, it still does. With every morning I miss her. I miss her smile, her laugh, her eyes, her hair, and her. Everything about her. All of the reasons I fell in love with her, all of those reasons lie within her heart.
Lauren and I are still together, I don't have the heart to tell her that all along Ive been planning to live out our life plans just as I had with Vera. Although, I  still will never fully be happy without her. I Planned for this life to be spent with her. Not Lauren. Lauren may be the woman I am going to live it out with, but she will never be the one that I wanted to. If i could go back in time, I could have just told Lauren the truth and I wouldn't be stuck in this mess. Then, I'd drop every class, drop my friends Ive made here at NYSU, I'd drop my world for her. I would fly home, to the woman I love. I would love Vera for yet another day. Maybe then, for the last two years, she could have been the one. She will always be The one for me, though she is no longer the one I will be marrying, she will always be the one I want to marry.