Cape May

If it's Really True Love, it Can Never Be Wrong

The first time I entered Monica Gabriela was a moment that was both frightening and fantasy. Frightening, because I knew we were crossing a border from which there was no return. Fantasy, because it was an act, which thrust us into a world of total surrender, of total unknown. It was all surreal. I loved her. I cherished her and here I was showing her without any limitations that we were destined to be together forever. I was finally taking her into my fold and making her mine forever.

Our love was final. It would be for eternity.

Up to that moment, everything we've done was fun and games, totally reversible. 'No harm done,' as the phrase goes. We could one day look back upon it and laugh, blame it on childhood indiscretions. But the moment that she opened herself and took me inside, there was an unspoken knowledge that nothing would ever be the same again. We had passed through the looking glass and there was no going back. If there was any doubt as to who belonged to whom, that moment made it crystal clear. I was hers and she was mine. My entry into that sacred place of hers bound us together forever.

The world shifted to accommodate our love. I felt as I felt that day I first kissed her in Cape May. We entered into a new dimension.

We waited for a time when mommy and grandma were going to be out of the house. The prom had come and gone with no more drama on her part. We wanted the first time to be perfect. With mommy and grandma gone, we were free to do it without any restrictions and knowing her penchant for being loud, we both wanted her to have the freedom to be as loud as she wanted.

The day came on a Saturday, when mommy and grandma were going to visit aunt Sylvia in the Bronx. Sometimes when they did that, they stayed the night, for grandma didn't like to travel so much in one day. We were going crazy wondering when they were going to leave. Finally, they left around 6pm. When they did, we wasted no time in running upstairs and getting naked. However, something strange happened. Although we've been playing with each other for almost two months, things got awkward. Perhaps because we knew we were about to do something that would change our lives forever. We smiled nervously, touched each other tentatively. We were like two teenage lovers seeing each other for the first time. I saw the nervousness in her and felt my own, so I figured the best thing to do was to talk about it.

"Gabby, you know that all this time, we've been fooling around, and I loved every minute of it, but you know all that was nothing compared to what we're about to do."

"I know Bobby."

"You know that what we're about to do is considered wrong, right? That many people would say we're evil for doing this, that we're committing incest and incest is wrong. That we could go straight to hell for this."

That was the first time the word incest came up in any of our conversations. Although we knew we were heading down that path, it never dawned on us that that was what it was, until now. I did not know what else to say. She was silent. I added,

"Gabby, if you don't wanna do this, I understand."

I mistook her silence for having second thoughts, for wanting to back out, and I would have respected that, but as always, she surprised me.

"Bobby, do you love me?"

"Yes of course I love you Gabby," I replied emphatically.

"But do you love me like a strong forever love. A love that's pure and innocent, like I love you. A love that can withstand anything and everything?"

"Of course, Gabby, of course. You know I do."

"Then would you agree with me that a love like ours is a good thing, a beautiful, wonderful, good thing, Bobby?"

"Yes Gabby, yes. Of course, a love like ours is a good thing." I said suddenly feeling that love coursing through my veins.

"So, if our love is good," she continued, "it can't be bad. You can't have something be good and bad at the same time. You can't have black be white and white be black. And if incest is so wrong, so bad, then what we're about to do Bobby is not incest at all, because our love is so good and anything we do from that love must be good. We're just a boy and a girl in love and there is nothing in the world wrong with that. It's not incest, its love."

She repeated this last fact as to drive her point home. I saw the logic in her argument, as simplistic as it may have been and saw how right she was. If a love is a true, true love, then it can never be wrong. I smiled as the simplicity of it went through me. She smiled back knowing that I got it.

Perhaps I wanted to believe that bad was good, that black was white, that love could make everything right. Or perhaps I just wanted to fuck my sister and so I let it all make sense.

Sometimes we bend the evidence to fit the verdict.

After that we touched each other with the familiarity we had grown accustomed to, with the flame and passion that defined our love.

And so, we touched each other and kissed and played with each other and when the time eventually came, I positioned myself above her and we looked each other in the eyes with an intensity that was scary. Young as we were, we both knew we could never come back from this. This was not something that could be undone. We realized that despite all the love we had for each other, we were embarking into uncharted waters, onto a course we did not know where it would lead us.

And as I held her, I could feel her body trembling from the audacity of what we were about to do. I too was afraid, for we were about to break all the rules. Sometimes in life, we use fear to surge forward into the unknown. Like a catalyst, it moves us, gives us the impetus to continue forward, when we otherwise would not. And we move forward because we somehow believe that on the other side of the unknown are treasures beyond our wildest dreams, treasures that will forever alter our beings. We are attracted by the glitter of the gold and reach for it... unawares of the dragon lying in wait just beyond our sight.