Cape May

Crazy

"You know Gabby, what I really wanted to ask you before about what happened after Cape May was why did you pull away from me when we got back home? I never asked because I was afraid you'd go back there to wherever it was that you retreated to in your mind and then I'd lose you forever. I mean, there we were, like falling head over heels for each other and then like out of nowhere you wanted nothing to do with me. I felt like my world was collapsing all around me."

"I'm sorry Bobby, really I am. You know, when we got back from Cape May I was so happy. I was on cloud nine. I don't think my feet touched the ground once. But when we got back to reality I got this sudden fear that we would start fighting again, that you'd see me for who I really was, your pain in the ass little sister and you'll stop liking me in the new way. And the thought of that happening made me so afraid. I was afraid you'd treat me like before and you wouldn't kiss me or hold my hand or tell me I'm beautiful. So I thought that before you do that and break my heart, that I would do it and spare myself the heartache. But as the days went by and I saw how genuinely hurt you were I thought 'perhaps he does love me in the new way, that maybe I was being the fool and then it hurt me to have hurt you so much. And that's when I went into your room that night Bobby, to ask your forgiveness."

I hadn't told her that night what I really wanted to tell her when she asked for my forgiveness, because I was trying to play it cool, but now, seventeen years later, seventeen years of lost love, cool seemed so foolish. I turned to her and took her hands in mine and now, face to face I told her what I should have told her that night so many years ago

"Gabby, that night I wanted to jump out of bed and take you in my arms and tell you I forgive you, that no matter what you ever do to me, I will always forgive you. I wanted so badly to tell you that back then, but I was just coming off being hurt and I didn't want you to know that you could do anything to me, anything, and I'll always forgive you Gaby, always. I thought it would show weakness, but I'm so sorry I didn't tell you because now I realize that, that was weakness. If I was strong I would have told you."

"That's ok Bobby. You showed me your forgiveness in everything you did. Actions are stronger than words, remember?"

She smiled. She still had those big eyes, like liquid love I'd love to drown in. The moonlight shone off her hair creating a halo like effect, like an angel. The angel mommy always said she was. I marveled at her ability to oversee my shortcomings and make me seem stronger than I really was. And in doing so, I did become stronger because looking back, my feelings for her grew exponentially after that night.

We stood there holding hands, looking at each other, in the light of night, smiling as the love we thought was dead began it's resurrection, flowing through our blood, through our veins and arteries, coursing through our bodies and reconnecting through our hands as it once did in the back seat of my mother's car.

After a while we continued to walk, but holding hands like lovers do.

"And what was up with you and Patty? You used to hate her so much even though she never did anything to you."

"That's the shit Bobby, you and that fucking Patty O'Neill. I used to hate her so much and I never knew why. But ever since you started going out with her, what was I, thirteen then, I felt like she was taking you away from me. And you were all I had. I mean come on Bobby, we used to sleep together for as long as I could remember. Remember? She asked desperately.

"We showered and peed and farted all over each other. And then you were going to leave me for her? Come on, I was miracle Gaby remember? I know we fought, but who would finish your sandwiches..."

"I used to hate when you did that Gaby. Heck you had your own sandwich. I never understood why you wanted mine........"

Her sudden yelling caught me off guard, 'CAUSE IT WAS YOURS BOBBY! Don't you fucking get it. CAUSE IT WAS YOURS!!"